It’s easy to fall in love with a narcissist early in a relationship, but over time, many narcissists’ partners and others who love them become frustrated and want to help them change. But can a narcissist ever be changed?
Many will say no. However, I disagree with that, and I believe that a narcissist can change – if he wants to!
Before you can commit to helping a narcissist change, you must know a few things about the person you are dealing with.
A narcissist can be characterized by his self-importance, arrogance, and sense of entitlement. They expect special treatment and praise when they cannot handle criticism. They often exaggerate their contributions and accomplishments in their minds, lack empathy, and may take advantage of their partners and friends.
It is important to note that beneath their facade, narcissists often have fragile self-esteem. Their narcissistic traits may have arisen from feelings of shame, leading them to embrace the belief that they are always right and superior.
This adaptation allowed them to maintain a sense of self-worth, albeit a distorted one. They protected their self-perception in various ways, such as blaming others, denying personal responsibility, and rejecting any semblance of insight or self-awareness.
If this person wants to change (sometimes called a “self-conscious narcissist”), there are some ideas I can share as a therapist on how to support a narcissist who wants to change.
Related: 7 Secret Things Narcissists Do That Are Signs Of Abuse
Five ways to support a narcissist who wants to change for the better
1. Know what you are working on.
Clearly identify the specific behavior that needs to change and stay focused until you feel satisfied that you can move forward. This clarity and focused direction will take you to celebration day sooner rather than later.
Years ago, my husband and I used a Bristol board and colored pencils to liven up our coaching discussions. So, while working on personal responsibility and accountability, we first wrote down the title and then a list of times he said, “I did that” or “I will fix it.” Although it sounds corny, this list was posted on the kitchen wall and became a family sharing project. We discussed privately the times he made excuses and practiced doing better things.
2. More than just accepting that your partner needs to make changes to his or her daily choices.
They are only human, and they are bound to get tired of the arduous process of self-improvement. They just want to get on with it and I don’t blame them.
What if you wrote a mantra under your kitchen board poster that said: “I am responsible and it is no one else’s fault.” Of course, this only applies when they are responsible and it’s no one else’s fault.
3. Know when you have succeeded.
After a few weeks of discussing one topic and you both agree that it’s time to move on, do so, and accept that you may have to reconsider it. I can (almost) promise that each successive visit results in a happier family. Change begins with the sincere intention to change.
Related: 6 Signs You’re In Love With A Serious Narcissist
4. Celebrate the wins along the way.
Take the time to acknowledge and celebrate every step of progress and positive change. Recognizing accomplishments, no matter how small, boosts motivation and fosters a supportive and encouraging environment.
By following these guidelines and communicating your reasonable boundaries, you can effectively train your partner in mutual respect, interdependence, team effort, and power-sharing. Remember, it is a collaborative effort where you are both equal and can work towards a safer and happier life.
5. Know the change you are training for.
There may be aspects of your partner’s self-absorption that are more problematic than the following six, and you will give them the highest priority. But do not ignore these signs of behavioral change in a person with a narcissistic personality.
Related: Love Shouldn’t Hurt: Are You Dating A Narcissist?
Six positive indicators of change in a narcissist’s personality
1. Personal responsibility and accountability.
The key to a strong relationship is personal responsibility, and when your partner follows up “Yes, I did that” with “I’ll fix it,” you’re on the road to accountability success. This attitude is in stark contrast to the attitude of blaming and making excuses, which is frustrating and sends your communication into a dead end.
Personal responsibility, combined with vulnerability and humility, inspires your confidence and commitment, and reassures you that you are with the right person.
2. Positive feedback
Although your partner may not always agree with your comments, their ability to listen and respond to your completed sentence is an indicator that you are on the path to progress. If they take this a step further by incorporating this feedback into changed behavior, it also indicates that they have gone beyond talking about growth and improvement.
3. Manage emotions
Narcissistic individuals often control their partners by responding with excessive anger and hurt, preventing ongoing communication and problem solving. Building a functional rapport requires them to observe body language, facial expressions, tantrums, sarcasm, or floods of tears, to name a few.
Discuss the private feelings that have interrupted your conversation in past times and gently contract with your person to refrain from shutting you down in this way. Practicing reasonable emotional expressions is essential for a partner who uses dramatics to shut you down and justify himself.
Related: 10 Ways To Make A Narcissist Panic & Fear You
4. Putting others first.
Setting true priorities for others involves more than just words. It entails making real sacrifices of time and resources to put your interests and the needs of your family first. It may take some time for your partner to consistently demonstrate this altruism. But then you’ll know there’s real change you can trust.
5. Insight and awareness.
One of the big challenges with personality disorders is a lack of awareness of their impact on you and other relationships. It is important that your partner can identify their behavior and acknowledge the negative impact rather than attributing everything to external factors. Personal responsibility will support your campaign to enhance visibility.
Think about being inclusive and in your relationship, write journal entries titled “How Difficult Parenting Left You Down” or “How I Let Down the Kids.”
6. Offer apologies
A sincere and sincere apology for past behavior can make a big difference in how you move forward in your relationship. Apologies show remorse, accountability, and a desire to make amends. By focusing on these areas of growth, you can encourage positive change and create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
Genuine apologies were rare and were only used as an escape strategy.
Given the origins and complexities of narcissism, it is important to evaluate your situation, have strong boundaries, and determine your next steps if change fails. Your emotional and physical health should be your priority in any relationship.
Related: I Gained Trauma Weight From A Narcissistic Ex
