An overt narcissist is someone who explicitly says: “I am great, I only deserve the best, no one is as great as me,” etc. It’s very easy to spot.
The covert narcissist is different.
It’s still all about them, but they never say outright that they feel they deserve special privileges.
Instead, they will unconsciously make everything difficult or impossible for everyone else until they get their way. They often play the “victim” card to excellent effect, making everyone do their bidding out of guilt.
Some examples of covert narcissists are:
A sick or disabled parent who does not allow his child to separate in adulthood because he needs the parent’s care
The “depressed” parent (with a thriving social life and hobbies) therefore needs to adhere to a strict visiting schedule, otherwise she will not be able to perform her job.
The parent who needs to spend all the holidays at home because they “can’t travel”
The wife who makes snarky remarks to you on all occasions, then shouts to your wife that you are the one who doesn’t love her
However, with covert narcissists, it can be difficult not to blame yourself for how poorly the relationship goes. People may look at the relationship from the outside and assume that you don’t care enough about this “poor” parent who valiantly suffers through whatever problems they have.
Unlike an overt narcissist, a covert narcissist often seems like a “really great” person, at least until others try to change their minds about something. (It then quickly becomes clear that there is no flexibility, and that this person’s needs are paramount at all times.)
It is important to balance empathy for narcissists with boundaries (which arise from working on self-love).
It is not the narcissists’ “fault” per se that they are this way. Many of these people were treated as victims by their parents, were actually victims of abusive parents, or saw their victimhood as modeled by their parents.
They often really feel that they “can’t” handle things that don’t go their way, and will throw childish tantrums or completely ignore people’s requests and continue to do things their own way, as children do. You can sympathize with the helplessness these people feel.
However, do not allow the victim’s behavior to hurt you. Remember that often times, the people who keep trying to have meaningful relationships with narcissists or covert narcissists are those who have low self-esteem.
For example, if you think there’s not much to look at, and your mother-in-law comments about your weight gain and boring clothes, you may not get as angry as you should, because you secretly agree with her. But if you work on developing better self-esteem, you may find yourself angrier toward your parent as you become healthier.
This is why, when some people go to therapy and become more confident, their relationships with dysfunctional family members get worse, at least for a time, as they assert themselves with people they never expected to be challenged.
Here are 5 tips for dealing with narcissistic parents or in-laws (or “victim”):
- Ask your husband or friend for help
Even just having someone to vent to or do a reality check (for example, “It’s not normal for my dad to say he can’t help me move because the game is on TV at that time, right?”) can be very helpful in terms of Mental.
- Find your own therapy if you cannot deal with the guilt trips you are experiencing
A therapist can help you explore why you are experiencing guilt trips and brainstorm ideas and/or role-playing to assert yourself.
- Cultivate friends as family
You can choose your family if the family you have is not working.
Although you will always be attached to your family of origin, you can think outside the box and forge deeper relationships with chosen friends or extended family members. When you rely completely on a covert narcissist to give you a “family” feeling, it never ends well, because they don’t know how to be in reciprocal relationships.
- Allow your children to grow up differently
It can be very helpful to treat your children very differently than you were treated.
If you are ridden with guilt, shackled, and shamed by a covert narcissistic parent, it can be wonderful to see your children’s independence grow and notice how they don’t feel fear or pity for you the way you did for your mother. Own parent.
Related: 6 Things Narcissist Enablers Say to You
- Affirm yourself kindly and firmly with your parents/spouse; Compromise, but not to the point of excess
Try not to raise your voice or get involved on an emotional level. Stick to the facts.
For example, “I’m sorry you’re upset, but we’re going to visit my parents this year for Thanksgiving. I know you get anxious leaving the house, so we’ll call you that day and see you next month for Christmas.”
Be strong if you have a victim/secret narcissistic parent or spouse in your life, and share it with someone in your life who needs this post.
