the main points
Narcissists often lack empathy for others, meaning they don’t care much about their partner’s feelings or needs.
Narcissists may withhold affection or attention, making the other person feel unimportant or unworthy.
Although narcissists are hurting inside, they are deeply hurtful to their loving partners.
Taking care of your emotional health is key to managing a narcissistic partner.
Rachel, a 40-year-old client, sat across from me, crying.
Finally, she said, “I kept giving and giving to Gabe. I don’t know what I did wrong, but I wasn’t enough for him. My friends kept saying he was a narcissist and that narcissists are toxic in relationships. But I thought if he saw that I loved him, he would change for the better,” she said. Instead, he dumped me.”
Narcissists’ selfish and manipulative behavior can cause harm to their partners, as they may be unable to give and receive love in a healthy way. However, with these challenges in mind, it is important not to demonize narcissists.
BeAware that Narcissists are hurting
Despite their outward display of confidence and superiority, narcissists can experience a great deal of pain and insecurity. This may stem from a variety of sources, such as past trauma, feelings of inferiority, or a deep fear of rejection or abandonment.
Narcissists may also suffer from a deep sense of shame and self-loathing, which they may try to hide with their grandiose behavior and attitudes. They may be afraid to reveal their weaknesses and insecurities to others for fear of being seen as weak or unworthy.
In addition, narcissists may suffer from internal contradictions. For example, they may crave attention and admiration from others, but feel resentment and envy of those who receive it. They may desire intimate relationships but fear vulnerability and the emotional intimacy that comes with them. However, despite their struggles, narcissists can impose emotional turmoil on those they love.
5 Ways Narcissists Hurt Romantic Relationships
Lack of empathy. Narcissists often lack empathy for others, meaning they don’t care much about their partner’s feelings or needs. As I detail in my book Why Can’t You Read My Mind?, empathy is the emotional glue that holds relationships together. A narcissists’ lack of empathy can make their partners feel ignored or undervalued, leading to resentment and hurt. Dan, a counseling client, recently told me how dismissive and critical his wife was of his feelings. This left Dan feeling isolated and lonely.
manipulate. Narcissists can be skilled at manipulating others to get what they want. They may use guilt, intimidation, or charm to control their partner, which may result in the other person feeling trapped or powerless. In Rachel’s example from the beginning of this post, Gabe repeatedly tells her, “You’re making me treat you like crap.”
Mind manipulation. Narcissists may use gaslighting tactics to make a partner question their perception of reality. They may distort the truth, deny facts, or blame their partner for things that are not their fault, causing the other person to question their sanity. Shauna, a 31-year-old client, shared with me how her head would spin when her boyfriend, Trey, would often simply deny saying something hurtful or accuse her of being too sensitive.
Currency devaluation. Narcissists may devalue their partners by criticizing, belittling, or insulting them. They may also withhold affection or attention, making the other person feel unimportant or unworthy. One narcissistic man, James, told me, “I know my wife is interesting, so I treat her poorly to keep her down until she thinks she has no one else to go to.”
Cheating. Narcissists may betray their partner to fulfill their desires without regard for the other person’s feelings. This can cause great pain and damage to the relationship. Jamie, another client, shared with me, “My boyfriend is a great guy, but sometimes I just want to have sex with other men. He’d be scared if he knew, so I protect him by not telling him.”
Tips for managing a narcissistic partner
Managing a narcissistic partner can be difficult, but some strategies can help:
Set boundaries. Narcissistic individuals can be very controlling, so it is important to set clear boundaries and communicate effectively with them. Be firm and consistent with your boundaries, and make sure your partner knows what behaviors are unacceptable.
Don’t participate in their game. Narcissistic individuals thrive on attention and drama. Refuse to get involved in their drama, and don’t give them the attention they’re looking for.
Ask for support. Dealing with a narcissistic partner can be emotionally exhausting. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can provide a listening ear and help you process your feelings.
Practice self-care. It’s important to prioritize your own needs and take care of yourself. This may include practicing mindfulness, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and pursuing hobbies that bring you joy.
Consider couples therapy. If your partner is willing, couples therapy can help improve communication and address underlying issues in the relationship. However, it is important to realize that narcissistic individuals may be treatment-resistant and may not be willing to change their behavior.
