“Some people try to become tall by cutting off other people’s heads.”
- Paramahansa Yogananda
“How other people make you feel is always a reflection of how the world feels.”
-Anonymous psychologist
The Mayo Clinic Research Group defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior to others and care little about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of overconfidence lies Fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
Narcissism in popular culture is often interpreted as someone who loves himself. It is more accurate to describe a pathological narcissist as someone who likes an idealized self-image, which they display to avoid feeling (and being seen as) their wounded and deprived true self. Deep down, most pathological narcissists feel like the “ugly duckling,” even if they painfully don’t want to admit it.
What are some ways narcissists compensate for their inferiority complex? Here are five pointers, with references from my books, How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists, and a practical guide for narcissists to change toward their higher self. While some people may engage in these behaviors on occasion, a pathological narcissist typically dwells on one or more of the following traits on a regular basis, while remaining largely unaware (or unconcerned) of how his or her behavior negatively impacts their others.
- Excessive sense of self
“It’s not easy being superior to everyone I know!”
- unknown
“My fiancé and I drive a Mercedes. The best man at our upcoming wedding drives a Mercedes too!”
- unknown
Many narcissists enjoy bragging about themselves in exaggerated terms, whether it’s their physical attractiveness, material possessions (trophy), social popularity, exciting lifestyle, merit badge accomplishments, high-status connections, or other enviable traits. . While there is nothing inherently wrong with describing themselves in positive terms, the pathological narcissist does so in the following unhealthy ways:
A: Self-flattery statements are often exaggerated.
B. Self-flattering statements are often uttered, directly or indirectly, at the expense of others (“I’m better than you,” “You have nothing I have,” “They’re nothing compared to me.”) The narcissist’s fragile ego is reinforced not by affirmation. Positive on oneself, but by belittling others.
C. Expressions of self-admiration are meant to make you look up to and glorify yourself. In essence, they want you to worship them, so they can feel “special,” “exceptional,” and “important.”
With this superficial and compensatory external “mask,” the narcissist builds his false identity, submerging his wounded and insecure self.
- He reacts poorly to criticism
“How dare you tell me I’m wrong – she’s nobody!”
- unknown
One easy way to detect a narcissist’s fragile ego is to observe the way he reacts to criticism, even when such comments are made in a diplomatic, reasonable, and constructive manner. Most mature adults can accept fair criticism, evaluate its validity, and use helpful feedback as a valuable learning tool. However, chronic narcissists tend to feel extremely offended, and hypersensitive to even minor criticisms, especially those that have merit, because they fear that the truth will “reveal” how false and hollow they are (narcissistic injury).
- Jealous of others, possesses attention
“How was she chosen? She must have cheated!”
- unknown
Jealousy can be defined as the feeling of envy for not having what another person has. While some people are jealous at times, many chronic narcissists are envious and resentful of others’ happiness and success on a regular basis, and make pathologically derogatory remarks in order to make themselves feel better.
Many pathological narcissists are also attention-grabbers in their personal and/or professional lives. They want you to constantly focus on them and meet their needs, because without your attention and appeasement, they will feel unimportant.
- They manipulate to get what they want
“There are those whose primary ability is to spin the wheels of manipulation. It is their second skin, and without these spinning wheels, they simply do not know how to function.
- C. Joey Bill C.
Examples of narcissistic manipulation include, but are not limited to:
a. Negative Manipulation – Aims to gain an advantage by making the victim feel inferior, incompetent, insecure, and/or self-doubting.
B. Positive Manipulation – aims to emotionally bribe the victim to gain favors, concessions, sacrifices, and/or commitments.
C. Deception and conspiracy – aims to distort the victim’s perception to facilitate exploitation.
Dr.. Strategic helplessness – aims to take advantage of the victim’s good faith and guilty conscience.
e. Hostility and abuse – aims to dominate and control the victim through overt aggression.
The truth about narcissistic manipulation is that many narcissists, deep down, don’t believe they have what it takes to get what they want in a healthy, reasonable way. To make up for the deficiency, they resort to false personalities and deceptive machinations to get as much of what they desire.
- Inability to face your true self and inability to see you as a real person
The bottom line about being in a relationship with a pathological narcissist is that your thoughts, emotions, and priorities are constantly being invalidated. You exist only to serve the whims and pleasures of the narcissist. The flip side of this dynamic is that by creating and facilitating such relationships, the narcissist refuses to acknowledge the hard truth: that he is incapable of having a true relationship of love and respect. Many chronic narcissists have little to offer and will never admit it, because it is better to have a false self than a deprived true self.
Can a narcissist change for the better? maybe. But only if he or she is highly aware and willing to go through the courageous process of self-discovery. For narcissists who are no longer willing to play the charade at the expense of real relationships and authenticity, there are ways to break free from falsehood and gradually move toward a higher self. For those who live or work with narcissists, awareness and assertive communication are essential to establishing healthy relationships based on mutual respect. See references below.
