Do you feel uncomfortable about your relationship, but can’t figure out why?
At first, your partner showers you with attention and affection. But now, that’s gone, and it feels hard to describe. user? Criticize? No longer free to be yourself?
Perhaps you are suffering from covert narcissistic abuse.
It’s easy to be attracted to a narcissist. They are often magnetic, confident, sexy, and exciting. Just by being around them, you feel special.
But narcissists are fundamentally incapable of true love. They cannot care about someone else’s well-being.
Related: What It REALLY Means When A Narcissist Says ‘I Love You’
Covert narcissistic abuse is not always easy to identify.
Covert narcissists only care about their ego, and being perceived as attractive, successful, and admirable. They are looking for “supplies” – anything or anyone to boost their ego.
In order to maintain their self-esteem and protect their ego, narcissists feel the need to control the behavior of others – especially their romantic partners.
The essence of covert narcissistic abuse is control.
But narcissists are clever – they can often control you without you even realizing what they are doing. This abuse is extremely devastating to you.
How do they impose this control? By offering or withholding consent – although their methods are subtle.
For example, covert narcissists may say they are helping you “level up your game” or “reach your potential,” when in fact they are criticizing you.
They express concern about your misinterpretation or forgetfulness. But they were causing these lapses by gaslighting you—lying and denying in order to make you doubt your own perceptions.
They indicate that your friends and family are not actually the type of person you should socialize with. Their real goal is to isolate you and remove your support system.
The secret to spotting covert narcissistic abuse in your relationship is not to examine what your partner is doing, but to look at your own feelings and behavior.
Related: How To Recover From Being Raised By A Narcissistic Parent
Here are 5 warning signs of covert narcissistic abuse in your relationship.
- You feel confused.
This is the biggest warning sign that you are attached to someone who has narcissistic, antisocial, psychopathic traits, or a full-blown personality disorder.
You won’t be completely sure what they want or the status of your relationship.
- You’re walking on eggshells.
You don’t say what you want to say or do what you want to do, because you are afraid that you will upset or provoke your partner.
You never know when they will attack. It’s easier to stay calm.
- You always apologize
You always seem to apologize, even when you didn’t do what you were apologizing for.
In fact, if you go out of your way to question your partner’s bad or reckless behavior, he or she will react with anger or self-pity and you’ll quickly apologize for bringing up the issue.
- You always give up
And more and more, you are the one who gives in, surrenders, and moves on. There’s no discussion, just requests from your partner, which, you know, are actually demands.
- You are hypervigilant
You find yourself observing your partner and your environment, sensitive to every sideways glance, change in tone, and cryptic text message.
You try to anticipate what your partner wants, even as they keep moving their goal lists.
Covert narcissistic abuse creates toxic relationships.
In a healthy relationship, you and your partner support each other, negotiate daily decisions, and share responsibilities and joys.
If these red flags are familiar to you and you’re doing all the work of the relationship, then maybe it’s not really a relationship, but covert narcissistic abuse.
