Individuals with Cluster B personality disorders regularly use blame-shifting to manipulate conflicts within themselves because admitting fault is not an option for them. Here’s everything you need to know about narcissistic blame shifting.
The existence of a malignant narcissist depends on extracting the narcissistic supply from their significant other. The narcissist always operates in a psychological void.
Hence, they couldn’t maintain the facade that he had masterfully crafted during the Perfection Stage for very long. Inevitably comes the stage of neglect/devaluation, repeating the cycle of idealization – devaluation. The abuse survivor is startled when the partner suddenly brings out their pent-up feelings on the object of love.
This projection was originally formulated by the psychoanalyst, Sigmund Freud, as a condition in which a person defends himself against his unconscious impulses, emotions, or beliefs by denying their existence in himself while attributing these traits to a significant other/family member/person. Among the survivor’s projection is commonly known as “blame shifting”.
Related: The 7 Deadly Sins Of Narcissism
The narcissist will easily engage in blame-shifting when they have experienced a narcissistic injury, or their partner has set a limit, or cut off the narcissistic supply, leading to the narcissist feeling a lack of control/power.
What are the most common narcissistic blame-shifting techniques?
- Playing the victim
Playing the victim is the most common type of blame-shifting. You notice his mistreatment towards you and suggest that it causes you pain. Since this situation paints you as a victim, they are quick to turn the tables (because they always need to be the most pathetic victim).
Instead of addressing your legitimate concerns, they will bring up (or makeup) something completely unrelated to your past where they claim that you are the one who hurts. Before you know it, you are the one apologizing to them out of guilt.
Related: 4 Key Behaviors A Narcissist Displays That Reveals Their True Colors
- Minimizing your feelings
Suppose they have offended you and you point it out to them right away. They will immediately ignore your feelings, invalidate them, and laugh that you are so sensitive and emotional. “You’re so sensitive. You’re crazy. You’re hysterical. You have no sense of humor. Calm down! Chill!”
They are no longer blamed for misbehaving. They mistreat you but instead, it falls on you to react to their misbehavior.
Ironically, if you criticize a narcissist the way they regularly criticize you, they turn on you. So, it’s somewhat of a double standard when they blame you for having such thin skin.
Related: 7 Signs of A Female Narcissist
- Argument over the argument
Each argument becomes a meta-argument about the argument itself, rather than the point you’re trying to make.
They drag you into pointless fights, interpolating words and debating semantics to put you on the defensive.
Instead of focusing on the actual point of the discussion, they comment on your voice, gestures, and tone of voice, and accuse you of doing the things they do (playing the victim, gaslighting, showing). It was no longer them to blame, but instead, the way you handled the controversy.
Related: The 7 Things Narcissists Are Most Afraid Of
- Tripping over guilt and stories of compassion
If you tend to feel empathy for others, chances are they will take full advantage of this. If you point out something hurtful that they did, they will start talking about their abusive childhood or their nasty ex.
Before you know it, you are comforting them, even though they are hurting your feelings. After all, how can you be mad at someone when they open up to you about something so hurtful? Now the urgency of focus is shifted to their painful past rather than their present anxiety.
Everyone goes through trials and tribulations. But healthy individuals don’t use these experiences as excuses to hurt others, and they certainly don’t bring up those stories of pity to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior so easily.
Related: Divorcing The Female Narcissist, Borderline, or other Abuser
- The stink bomb
This is the last resort, usually when they have been flagrantly arrested or called out for something they know they did wrong. (Remember that shyness is an unacceptable feeling for people with group B personality disorders.) And so they make a terrible and unfounded accusation against you.
You think you have a slam dunk case. I was prepared with proofs, evidence, and everything.
Then they come back with this:
- Well, you offended me.
- You hit me
- You raped me
- you cheated on me
- You never loved me
- You are mentally ill
- You’re after me
And suddenly, a slam dunk affair isn’t like a slam dunk anymore. Now you are defending yourself against wild accusations that you could not have even dreamed of. Who could be prepared for that?
And again, that’s the whole point. The blame is now away from them, and now you are in hot water. Now you easily find yourself fighting to win your case.
Related: What Is Lofi Music? 5 Reasons Why It Is Good For Your Mental Health
How do you deal with narcissistic blame-shifting?
The best way to deal with narcissists and blame shifters is to ignore them and avoid getting involved in any argument. Don’t fall into their trap and make sure to simply walk away if you feel the narcissist is teasing you, hurting you, or attacking you.
Here are some steps you can take to deal with a narcissistic blame shift –
Refuse to accept or give in to their manipulations and lies
Do not argue or give any explanations
Keep the conversation focused on the topic at hand
Stick to the facts and use the information effectively to your advantage
Control your urge to stand up for yourself
Don’t expect them to apologize
Try to be empathetic and understand their feelings
Prioritize your physical, mental, and emotional health
Narcissistic blame-shifting stems from defensiveness, so make sure you don’t buy into ugly, distorted truths and don’t let their words influence you.
What more can you do?
When blame shifts onto someone like this, there’s an (understandable) temptation to explain yourself, stand up for your name, and prove your point. But the problem is, that’s exactly what they want you to do. They shift the blame so you will fight back. So you are giving them the attention they need.
They will always accuse you of doing everything they do themselves because it’s so infuriating to just have to say something. But again, that’s the point.
By getting sucked into these arguments, they are consuming your energy and watching as you gradually destroy yourself, so they can use your reactions to prove their points. (“Wow, look how bitter and angry you are!”)
