We hear the term narcissist a lot these days in casual conversation, in news articles, and on television. Most people use the word to describe men and women who think very highly of themselves and care little for the feelings of others. It’s often used as an insult, and in politics as an offensive weapon.
If you listen to the way the word narcissist is commonly used, you might get the impression that all narcissists fit a fixed pattern. But narcissism actually occurs along a continuum of expressions, with healthy self-esteem at one end and narcissistic personality disorder at the other. Even men and women who exhibit its most toxic forms—those I refer to in my new book as “extreme narcissists”—don’t behave in a similar way. They have different personality types and different ways of promoting their inflated self-image. And they affect your self-esteem in different ways when they interact with you.
From least to most toxic, here are five types of extreme narcissists you might encounter, along with some tips on how to deal with them (and yourself) when you do get into a conflict. (Each type can, of course, be of any gender.) Keep in mind that extreme narcissists always need to prove that they’re a “winner” compared to others who view them as a “loser,” although their methods vary.
The Know-It-All Narcissist
This person is always eager to express their opinion, even when not asked for, and believes they know more than anyone else, no matter what the topic is. They love to lecture, and have a hard time listening because they’re too busy thinking about what they want to say next.
How to deal with it: If possible, ignore their “helpful” suggestions, or offer a polite thank you and move on to another topic. A direct challenge will likely lead to them escalating their efforts to prove that they’re smarter or more informed. You can also try modeling humility and expressing a flexible point of view. Be open to their opinions without necessarily endorsing them. Having a sense of humor also helps. If you’re not affected by her superior or condescending behavior, you may find the know-it-all narcissist to be a bit silly and ultimately harmless.
Grandiosity Narcissist
This type displays a familiar type of narcissism that we’re all familiar with: He sees himself as more important and influential than anyone else. He touts his accomplishments, exaggerates their importance, and wants to arouse your envy or admiration. He believes he’s destined for great things. When he’s charismatic and driven, his accomplishments may match his ambition, and you may find yourself drawn into his orbit of admiration.
How to deal with it: His assertions of superiority may make you want to defend yourself and compete. Don’t. Any challenge will only escalate his efforts to appear superior. On the other hand, you may find yourself drawn to a charismatic grandiosity narcissist because you want to share in his superiority. He may strike you as a kind of celebrity, someone you want to submit to and serve. Be careful not to over-give: A grandiosity narcissist will not feel grateful and will not do anything to help you unless there’s something in it for him. If necessary, he will abandon you without a second thought.
Seductive Narcissist
Unlike the other types of extreme narcissists we’ve discussed here, this narcissist manipulates you by making you feel good about yourself. At first, she’ll seem to admire you or even idealize you, but her ultimate goal is to make you feel the same way about her so she can use you. She wants your support and admiration and will flatter you to get it. But when she no longer has any use for you, she’ll ignore you.
How to deal with it: It helps to be humble. Don’t be swayed by flattery or excessive admiration, no matter how great it feels to receive it. Watch how she treats other people who may be her competitors or outcasts. Seeing them suffer under her callous indifference may give you a glimpse into your future, once you’ve outlived your usefulness.
TheBullyNarcissist
This is a man who builds himself up by humiliating others. While he may share traits with the grandiose or know-it-all narcissist, he is more brutal in the way he asserts his superiority. He often relies on contempt to make others feel like losers, proving himself a winner in the process. He will belittle and ridicule you, and when he needs something from you, he can become threatening. At his most toxic, he will make you doubt yourself and your worth as a human being.
How to deal with it: This may sound cowardly, but the best thing you can do is avoid upsetting his enormous ego. Don’t respond in obvious ways to defend yourself: A direct challenge will only escalate his attacks on your character. In the face of his attacks, you will need a very strong belief in your self-worth, without having to prove it, and if you find that you cannot tolerate such treatment in silence, you may want to put as much distance between you as possible.
Vengeance Narcissist
While it is possible to live with a bullying narcissist, provided that you do not pose a very obvious threat, once you become the target of a vengeful narcissist, she will try to destroy you. You may have challenged her superior position in a way that you are not even aware of, and as a result, she needs to prove that you are the ultimate loser by destroying you. She will talk badly about you to friends and family. She may try to get you fired from work. If she is your ex-wife, she may try to turn your children against you and spend years tying you up in family court.
How to deal: Whenever possible, distance yourself before the damage to your psyche and reputation escalates. More than with other types of extreme narcissists, your approach here must be legal: Vengeful narcissists often know how to hide their true nature from people other than their victims, so your survival depends on hard evidence. Keep everything, especially toxic emails, text messages, and other communications. Get witness statements from any friends who may have been bystanders to the behavior. If necessary, hire a lawyer.
