Key Points
Divorce from a narcissistic spouse is often fraught with conflict and stress, so it’s important to be mentally and legally prepared.
Ending a marriage requires organization, strength, and a team of trusted, supportive individuals.
Strategies include hiring a strong attorney and therapist, keeping accurate records, and cutting off direct contact.
Getting a divorce is hard enough. But when one spouse has a personality disorder, things get even more complicated.
When your spouse is a narcissist, whether or not they’ve been diagnosed, navigating a divorce is likely to be just as confusing and difficult as your marriage. While this can be hard to bear, you probably already know that divorcing a narcissist will be difficult. However, it’s not impossible.
As a family and matrimonial law attorney, I’ve worked with many clients who have encountered a narcissist on the other side of the table, so I’ve learned a few things over the years that may help you as you prepare for this difficult time in your life.
I spoke with Susan Bava, a marriage and family therapist, to talk about the disorder and its typical characteristics.
Signs of Narcissism
I spoke with Susan Bava, a marriage and family therapist, to talk about the disorder and its typical characteristics. She explained that someone diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has the following traits: lack of self-identity, poor emotional regulation, a sense of superiority, intolerance of other people’s opinions, a sense of entitlement, an inability to value others, a lack of empathy, a disregard for the needs of others, and a truly desperate and insatiable demand for positive attention and approval from others. This last part they seek is called “narcissistic energy.”
Related : How to Divorce a Narcissist
“Because their ego is fragile and their self-esteem is highly protected, narcissists’ thoughts and therefore their behaviors are heavily armored, protecting them from the self-loathing that is at the core of their being,” Bava continued. “Deep down, they feel a profound sense of emptiness stemming from early childhood traumas such as psychological abuse and neglect, both of which are experienced as emotional pain. Because of these traits, narcissists are highly toxic individuals.”
I have seen firsthand how narcissists use control and manipulation throughout a marriage and then use these elaborate techniques in divorce to try to manipulate the process in their favor.
No matter the outcome, divorcing a narcissist is sure to be highly contentious and can quickly spiral out of control unless you are mentally and legally prepared, and have a team in place to support you.
How to Deal with Divorce with a Narcissistic Partner
- Don’t alert the narcissist to your plans until you have your team in place. You will need to address many issues, including documenting financial records, before you officially file for divorce. Alerting them to the fact that you want to leave the marriage may not be in your best interest. Remember, however, that everyone’s situation is different. Therefore, seek advice from someone with experience and someone who will stand by you.
Important Note: If you believe you or your children are in imminent danger, do not stay under one roof and do not wait to act. (See Resources)
- Hire a strong attorney as your advocate, and if possible, a mental health professional before telling your partner about any plans to separate or divorce. Try to find an attorney who has experience working with conflicted couples who have or are affected by personality disorders. Talk to mental health professionals, friends, and family for referrals. For example, narcissists do not give up easily, and you need to choose an attorney who will go the extra mile with you, and ideally, who has experience working with someone who is controlling and, in many cases, simply irrational.
- If you are being emotionally and/or physically abused, including through text or email, ask your attorney about filing temporary restraining orders, including protective orders, that keep this abuser away from you and your family.
- Keep a record of everything. Narcissists often lie, are likely to want to litigate, and will not give up without a fight. It’s best to be prepared and ready. It is very important to keep copies of important documents as well as emails and text messages that refer to specific incidents. This information will be useful later if you need to convince a court that your partner is lying. Share this record of information with your attorney and therapist. Evidence and witnesses can be very useful in proving your case.
- Don’t let this person control your mindset any more than it already does. Do yourself a favor and insist that he communicate with you through your attorney regarding financial issues, because he knows how to manipulate you and will do everything in his power to keep you off balance. Financial abuse is a very common technique that narcissists use to gain the upper hand.
Most importantly, you must remember to protect your emotional well-being and the emotional health of your children.
It will take a lot of strength and organization to break free from this marriage. You will need to build a team of people you can count on, including your friends, family, therapist, and attorney.
As I often say: the best way to protect yourself from experiencing any of the above is to recognize the signs of mental illness before you enter into a relationship. Love should not be blind, and the signs should not be overlooked or ignored. Be careful with who you have a relationship, a marriage, and most importantly, a child. Marriage is a partnership and you should choose your partner carefully.
