the main points
Divorcing a narcissistic spouse is often a high-conflict and overwhelming matter, so it is important to prepare mentally and legally.
Ending a marriage requires organization, strength, and a team of supportive individuals you can count on.
Strategies include recruiting a strong attorney and therapist, keeping strict records, and cutting off direct contact.

Getting a divorce is challenging enough. But when one spouse suffers from a personality disorder, things become more complicated.

When your spouse is a narcissist, whether diagnosed or not, getting a divorce will likely be just as confusing and difficult as your marriage was. Although this may be difficult to bear, you probably already know that divorcing a narcissist will be difficult. However, it is not insurmountable.

As a family and matrimonial law attorney, I’ve worked with many clients who have encountered a narcissist on the other side of the table, so I’ve learned a few things over the years that may help you prepare for this difficult period in your life. life.

I spoke with Susan Bava, a marriage and family therapist, to talk about the disorder and its typical characteristics.

Signs of narcissism

I spoke with Susan Bava, a marriage and family therapist, to talk about the disorder and its typical characteristics. She explained that a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) has the following characteristics: lack of self-identity, poor regulation of emotions, a sense of superiority, intolerance of the opinions of others, a sense of entitlement, an inability to appreciate others, a lack of empathy, ignoring the needs of others, and a desperate request that does not… Really satisfies the positive attention and approval of others. This last part they are looking for is called “narcissistic energy.”

Bava went on to say, “Because their egos are fragile and their self-esteem so closely guarded, a narcissist’s thoughts and thus their behaviors are heavily armored, protecting them from the self-hatred that is at the core of their being. Deep down, they feel a deep sense of emptiness caused by early childhood trauma such as psychological abuse and neglect.” , and both suffer from emotional pain. Because of these traits, narcissists are extremely toxic individuals.

Related : 5 Reasons Why Narcissists Are So Dangerous

I have seen firsthand how narcissists use control and gaslighting throughout a marriage and then use these elaborate tactics in divorce to try to manipulate the process to their advantage.

No matter how it happens, divorcing a narcissist is sure to be a high-conflict affair that can quickly spiral out of control unless you are mentally and legally prepared, and have a team ready to support you.

How to deal with divorce with a narcissistic partner

1. Do not alert the narcissist of your plans until your team is in place. You will need to deal with several issues including documenting financial records before officially filing for divorce. Alerting them to the fact that you want to leave the marriage may not be in your best interest. But remember that everyone’s situation is different. Therefore, seek advice from experienced people and a person who will support you.

Important note: If you think you or your children are in imminent danger, do not remain under one roof and do not wait to act. (See Resources)

2. Have a strong advocate as your advocate and, if possible, a mental health professional before you tell your partner of any plans to separate or divorce. Try to find an attorney who has experience working with disputing couples who suffer from or are affected by personality disorders. Talk to mental health professionals, friends, and family to get referrals. Narcissists, for example, do not give in easily, and you need to choose a lawyer who will walk away from you and, ideally, has experience working with someone who is controlling and, in many cases, simply irrational.
3. If you are being emotionally and/or physically abused, including being harassed via text or email, ask your attorney to file temporary restraining orders including orders of protection that keep this abuser away from you and your family.
4. Keep a record of everything. The narcissist will often lie, will likely want to file a lawsuit, and will not give up without a fight. It’s best to be prepared and ready. Keeping copies of important documents as well as emails and texts that reference specific incidents is very important. This information will be useful later if you need to convince the court that your partner was lying. Share this information log with your attorney and therapist. Evidence and witnesses can be very helpful in proving a case.
5. Don’t let this person get into your head any more than he already has. Do yourself a favor and insist that they communicate with you through your attorney regarding financial matters, because they know how to manipulate you and will do everything in their power to keep you off balance. Financial exploitation is a very common tactic that narcissists use to get the upper hand.

Most of all, it is crucial to remember to protect your emotional health and the emotional health of your children.

Breaking free from this marriage will require a lot of strength and organization. You need to form a team of people you can rely on, including your friends, family, therapist, and attorney.

As I often say: The best way to protect yourself from experiencing any of the above is to recognize the signs of mental illness before entering into any relationship. Love does not need to be blind, nor should the signs be overlooked or ignored. Be careful with who you have a relationship, marriage, and most importantly a child. Marriage is a partnership and you must choose your partner carefully.