Most of us can admit to staying in a toxic relationship past its expiration date. Few of us emerge unscathed from life in this section. We often stay in these relationships for many reasons, even though we know the signs of a toxic relationship, which is rarely good.
I came across a blog called “5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship” by Yvette Poulin, which eloquently summed up what it means to be in a toxic relationship. “Toxic isn’t just the obvious damage like physical abuse, stealing, or name calling. It’s also all the inner turmoil that comes from an unhealthy relationship.”
Not only was I able to connect with many of these things, but I felt compelled to share some of the things I learned along the way from my own experiences and from those I have helped (ed.).
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Here are 5 small triggers that indicate your relationship is toxic:
- You can’t seem to do anything right
“The other person constantly belittles you as not being good enough. They make fun of your personality, and you feel ashamed most of the time. You only feel forgiven when you have the traits of a person who condemns or judges. Being belittled makes you feel less than that,” says Pauline. “It takes away your strength and inner strength.”
When you get along with the other person, the relationship goes well. When you don’t agree, the conflict in the relationship escalates to the top. The relationship becomes uncomfortable. Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you like this person?
Are they good for you?
Do they bring out the good in you?
Do you find that you become more negative around them?
What are some of the feelings you feel when you’re around them?
Is there more criticism than compassion?
The answers to these questions are important and telling.
- It’s all about them and never about you
“You have feelings too, but the other person won’t hear them,” Bolin says. “You won’t be able to have a one-on-one conversation where your opinion is heard, considered, and respected. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they ‘fight’ with you until they get the last word.”
A toxic person rarely asks about you, and the conversation is often one-sided. If you share, it will be temporary, and they will find a way to bring the conversation back to them quickly.
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- You find yourself unable to enjoy good moments with this person
“Every day brings another challenge,” says Pauline. “It’s as if they’re always making complaints about you. Their attempt to control your behavior is an attempt to control your happiness.”
Furthermore, they focus on the negatives to keep you in the same state they are in: unhappy – even though they don’t admit it.
- You are uncomfortable being yourself with this person
According to Pauline, this happens when “you don’t feel free to express your opinion. You have to put on a different face to be accepted by that person. And you realize that you don’t know yourself anymore, nor even your closest friends and family.”
- You are not allowed to grow and change
“Whenever you aim to grow and improve yourself, the other person responds with ridicule and disbelief. There is no encouragement or support for your efforts. Instead, they keep you stuck in old judgments and insist that you will be no different than you are now,” she said.
You can free yourself. Growth and change are part of life, yet toxic people feel threatened by that very thing – your desire for growth and self-improvement. Their negativity can easily creep in and stifle your growth, question your desires for change, and cloud your judgment. Because they are unhealthy, they want a partner in crime. Do not do it!
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I found myself in two previous toxic relationships that overlapped over time (and are now a lifetime ago for me) – friendship and marriage. The friendship began when we bonded over the intense demands of the PhD, and the impending divorce of both of us.
The friendship became toxic when I could see the truth in her personality and how she treated others: condescending and often with an attitude of self-righteousness, the opposite of my value system.
As I slowly emerged from the “fog of my divorce,” that relationship quickly ceased to exist, as did my marriage, which was more toxic than friendship. I learned a valuable lesson in both experiences: introspection and distance provide invaluable clarity.
Learn how to recognize the signs of a toxic relationship. Listen to your intuition, the “inner voice” we all have (it’s there for a reason), which often points us in the right direction. Take the time to listen to it.
Remember that being in a healthy relationship means that you feel safe and comfortable to be yourself. You can live your life authentically. Sharing your thoughts and feelings is something that is acknowledged and embraced, not ridiculed and left to make you feel uncomfortable.
At the core of a healthy relationship is open and honest communication, trust, and support. People are not critical, able to manage their problems, rely on each other productively and mutually, are balanced, are not defensive, and do not place blame inappropriately on the other person.
Take a moment to think about your relationships. The 5 most important people in your life. Is it toxic or healthy?
Related: 10 things a toxic man will do when he realizes he can no longer control you
