Narcissistic personality disorder has received significant media attention.
People with narcissism are described as selfish, self-centered, and uncaring. This is a simplified description.
Some narcissists are unable to function socially, but many narcissists can manage the social world.
However, living with a narcissist can be miserable. Imagine being a dependent child of a narcissistic parent!
Related: How To ‘Completely Disarm A Narcissist,’ According To A Diagnosed Narcissist
#Here are 5 little traits of narcissistic parents and how you can keep yourself safe and sane.
1. They are incredibly self-absorbed.
Narcissists see everything as being about them. Others exist only to serve their ego.
The child of the narcissist will be asked to do things that the parent likes. They will be pressured to perform well enough for their parents to bask in the glow of the child’s achievements – but no better than the parents themselves.
For example, if a mother is a dancer, her daughter should dance well, but not better than her mother at that age. To protect themselves, most children do their best in dancing (or any other activity).
As an adult, you need to make sure that you can take care of yourself so that you are not at the mercy of your parents. Then find a hobby or activity that you enjoy that has nothing to do with your narcissistic parent.
RELATED: The Narcissistically Disordered Family
2. They don’t want to bother themselves.
Narcissistic parents may not meet their children’s needs, even allergies to certain foods.
If a child has a learning disability, they will be ignored – unless the parent can see themselves as being a great parent to a disabled child. Even a child’s emotional needs can be completely ignored.
Now, as an adult, you must make sure that all your needs are met. Often, children of narcissistic parents have difficulty recognizing their unmet needs. A therapist can help you figure this out.
3. They are overly controlling
Children of narcissists report that their narcissistic parents did not let them do the things they wanted to do. This is usually with the other parent complying out of fear, money, or ignorance.
Their children are forced to follow all kinds of restrictive rules that reinforce the image of the narcissistic parent.
Wealthy parents did not allow their children to keep the small amount of money they earned by doing something they wanted them to do. Instead, they had their child donate it, preventing them from learning how to spend and save.
Children of narcissists also reported that as teenagers they were not allowed to leave their bedroom after 10 p.m., even to use the toilet. These children often learn not to want anything.
Now that you’re older, you can choose what you want.
One exercise you can try is to go through paper catalogs and pick out all the things your narcissistic parent doesn’t want or let you have.
Choose three items. Read their ads and learn about the items (it’s okay to change your mind). Cut them down and place the rolls where you can see them. (Fridge magnets are good for this purpose.)
You don’t have to buy items unless you choose but know that no one can tell you that you can’t get what you want now.
Related: How To Leave A Narcissist
4. They are casually cruel.
For narcissists, no one has feelings but them, so their children’s emotional needs are meaningless.
They may talk negatively about their children in front of them, which shows that they have no respect for their children at all.
They often throw away a child’s teddy bear or other comforting object, claiming that it is dirty or that the child is too big for it. Then they get angry with the child because of the very normal fussing and crying.
Children of narcissistic parents often become hoarders because they have lost some cherished possessions in a traumatic way.
Adults who develop this problem need to work on improving their relationships with their possessions, which cannot give them the love they crave.
5. Narcissistic parents are incapable of love.
This is a great tragedy for children of narcissistic parents. These parents cannot love their children the way children need and crave.
Children do everything they can to “earn” their parents’ love, but these children lack it.
Narcissists can enjoy the company of another adult. Sometimes, their child will receive positive feedback if their parents seem to enjoy it.
However, the deep love a parent has for their child—the protective love that children need—is not available to the narcissistic parent.
I encourage people raised by narcissists to love themselves and do the inner child work so they can give love to their inner child and feel love for themselves.
Please do not look for it from others as this may lead to inappropriate and toxic relationships.
Being raised by a narcissistic parent is not a great start to life, that’s for sure. However, if you see these traits in your parents, all is not lost. You can still be a loving parent and partner.
You may have some work to do to get back in touch with your feelings and your ability to love, but you can do it. Allowing yourself to get the help you need to make a full recovery is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your family.
Avoid the narcissistic parent, or make sure you can leave if his or her behavior becomes toxic.
Make sure your children feel loved and strong. Limit their contact with this narcissistic grandparent to keep them safe.
It’s a bleak picture, but narcissism is incredibly toxic. You have to protect yourself and those you love.
Related: The Self-Sabotaging Trait Of People Who Were Raised By Narcissists
