As a body language expert, I notice the ways couples interact with each other. Over the years, I have identified several types of toxic relationships that fall into the category of romance which I have called “psychological demons disguised as love.” One of these types of toxic relationships I call “the player.” As a player’s romantic partner, you feel like you have to strategize what to say and how to convey your thoughts and feelings so that your partner will listen to you. It’s like you’re playing a game of chess, trying to outdo your partner just for the sake of recognition.
Take the following scenario as an example: After two years together, Jackie feels defeated in her relationship with Mike. She knew that relationships weren’t supposed to be a battle, but she felt like she was going to war with Mike whenever they disagreed. Mike was specific about her word choices. Whenever she expressed herself using words that he thought did not accurately describe him or the situation, he would not listen until she changed her language. He was like, “I didn’t say that. I said that.” He wouldn’t listen to her until she used his choice of words, he didn’t like it when she brought up situations where she felt he had let her down, and he would tell her that if she appreciated him she would understand him better and there would be no need to point out such trivial matters.
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She spent so much time defending her communication style that by the end she was apologizing for hurting his feelings. Her fears would be forgotten and she would feel rejected. She didn’t understand why Mike was constantly making everything about himself. He did not accept her concerns at face value. He turned her concerns into personal attacks even though she didn’t present it that way. He accused her of disrespecting him and thinking badly of him. Jackie didn’t know whether he couldn’t or wouldn’t accept responsibility for his contributions to their problems. In Jackie’s mind, Mike just wanted to strangle her and win the argument at all costs.
Here are 5 little signs that your man criticizes you too much:
- Challenge your thoughts, opinions, and perceptions about the argument
- He refuses to listen until you adapt your communication style to him
- He turns the dispute into a personal attack on them
- He ignores your concerns
- Choose words of your choice
Under criticism of your communication style and feelings of being emotionally attacked, the player is protecting a fragile ego. The player will use any tactic to maintain his high self-esteem. This is why they analyze and criticize your communication style and word choice during arguments. They will engage in circular arguments until you give in and adapt their communication style. Only then will they listen to you. Their image and self-worth are threatened when you view them negatively. At some point in the argument, you will find yourself apologizing to them. As a result, your fears will be pushed away and forgotten.
How do you recognize the player? The player is like a narcissistic lover whose charm and attention will sweep you away for one second and then suddenly leave you feeling empty and confused the next time you point out problems in your relationship. You begin to over-analyze yourself and find ways to restore your partner’s self-worth. They will shower you with love and attention until you speak up for yourself and point out situations in which they have hurt you.
Related: Why Trauma Bonding Keeps People Stuck In Abusive Relationships
How can this kind of love be saved? Dealing with a player is difficult because they are tireless in correcting you and making you adhere to their communication style. To beat the player’s strategy, you have to make your own rules and follow through. You should not accept their mediocre love style. Make it known that just because you choose different ways to express yourself doesn’t mean you don’t understand or respect them. However, many players realize that their communication style is the correct one and may insist on adapting to their way of thinking. When there is no room for compromise, it is in your best interest to end the relationship.
How can you save yourself? Remember, it is not your job or place to change someone else. As painful as it may be, in this kind of love scenario, all you can do is accept the ugly truth and either put up with your partner’s contradictions or walk away. Unless they make an effort to change their ways, the confusion and emptiness they feel will continue and may lead to a more serious psychological disorder. Learn from your experience be mindful in future relationships, and be sure to listen to your inner voice, no matter how daunting it may be. Find someone who views relationships as a partnership, not a dictatorship.
If you think you may be suffering from depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone.
