Can a toxic relationship be saved? Is it possible to fix months, or even years, of behavior that has shaken a relationship to its core?
I know it seems like it would be impossible, but I think that, yes, it is possible to fix a toxic relationship but it will involve a focused effort on both sides of the equation.
Here are 5 things you can do to help fix a toxic relationship. Once you read it, you will know if your relationship is salvageable.
- Accept the truth.
To repair a toxic relationship, both people must be willing to accept that it is toxic.
In many cases, one person sees the relationship as toxic but the other person can’t or won’t see it either. If only one side sees how bad things are, fixing a toxic relationship will be impossible.
I have a client who is in a relationship with a narcissistic alcoholic. For many years, he treated her horribly. He has drunken fits, disappears for weeks at a time, takes the spotlight on her when they talk and blames her for the many problems in their relationship.
She loves him very much but his unwillingness to see their relationship toxic, and his issues affecting the relationship greatly, leave her with no hope that things will change.
Hold on, hoping that’s the case, but I know that until he truly accepts that the relationship is toxic, things will just go the way they always have.
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- Own your part.
A key part of fixing a toxic relationship is wanting to take ownership of your part of the toxicity.
In the case of my client, she is very aware that she has behaviors that contribute to the toxic relationship. She doesn’t trust him (although for good reason), she can get very anxious and clingy, she enables his behavior by continuing to be with him and she can get hot during their encounters.
Unfortunately, her partner refuses to take any ownership of their issues. He admits he drinks too much but blames her for not supporting her more. He says that if she just stops playing around and accepts him as he is, then everything will be fine. When he goes on a bender, he blames her for her clinging to drive him away.
Because he is not willing to take ownership of the end of the relationship, every time they try to make a change, just stay the same. Because he not only accepts his role in toxicity but also blames her for most of it, repairing their relationship is not possible.
- Be open to change.
For many of us, making change is hard. We are who we are. However, people who are in a toxic relationship must actively be willing to make a change.
In my client’s case, she is eager to make a change. She loves her husband very much and still clings to the dream of their life together. She does her best to try and do things differently.
She accepts his drinking and realizes that he means well but cannot follow through on his intentions. She supports him when he’s in a really bad place and makes sure his kids are taken care of when he’s gone. She is willing to change essential parts of herself, in hopes of repairing their relationship.
Unfortunately, her man can’t make a change. On good days, he realizes that things need to change and even takes small steps to do so. Unfortunately, these baby steps never get him anywhere, and he quickly falls back into his old habits. She is left carrying the bag again, her hopes dashed.
If both people are not ready to make a change, it will be impossible to fix a toxic relationship.
- Know that the fix will take some time.
For many people, when they take the step to start repairing a toxic relationship, they are at the end of their rope. They realize how bad things are and that efforts to fix things are a last-ditch effort to save the relationship.
Unfortunately, a toxic relationship cannot be changed overnight.
Change takes time. In my client’s case, her partner must stop drinking. Without it, there will be no opportunity for change. Unfortunately, even if he’s willing to stop drinking, getting up and learning to live that way, takes a long time.
Moreover, the behaviors and habits that are ingrained in people and relationships are hard to break. Oftentimes, repairing a relationship involves two steps forward and one step back. This step back can be frustrating and lead the couple to give up fighting to fix things.
Recognizing that what is important is that the two steps forward, not the first step back, is the key to repairing a toxic relationship.
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- Get some professional help.
For many people, the prospect of getting professional help is daunting. Sharing issues with a stranger, bringing embarrassing things out into the world, and worrying about being judged all tend to keep people from getting real help. Instead, they decided to make things work on their own.
In my client’s case, her partner finally agreed to treatment. He knew she wanted it and was willing to do that thing in the hope that she wouldn’t leave him. So, I found a therapist. He did one session and said he wouldn’t do another.
Unfortunately, professional help is necessary to help people fix toxic relationships. There are so many ingrained behaviors, so many different angles to look at why things are the way they are, insights based on professional education and experience to share, and, frankly, someone to judge, that getting help is an essential part of repairing the damage.
When my client’s partner refused to go back into therapy, I realized he didn’t want to make a change and I gave up hope that their relationship could be salvaged.
