While some love can be blind, other love can be toxic and debilitating. As an adult, it is your responsibility to secure your own well-being. If you are dealing with a narcissist, the decisions you make today can greatly affect the rest of your future.
Leaving a relationship is usually one of the best decisions you can make for your physical and emotional health. However, if you are still hesitant or apprehensive about leaving, you should definitely commit to holding off on any of the following options.
1: Marriage
Have you always imagined your perfect wedding day? Have you ever picked out your stunning dress and created secret Pinterest boards full of bliss?
Oftentimes, narcissists will try to “seduce” their partners by seducing them into their dream wedding. Maybe they will overdo the fancy and sudden offer and love will start bombarding you constantly. Maybe they’ll write a heartbreaking, tear-jerking Facebook status declaring their undying love for you. They may have deceived you – and everyone around you – into believing that you’ve found the perfect potential spouse.
If you’ve been dating for a while, marriage might seem like an obvious next step. You may face pressure from your family or friends. You may feel ready to “settle down” and start the family you’ve always wanted.
Even if there are conflicts or tension in the relationship, the narcissist may try to convince you that marriage will fix these issues in some way. This is a terrible misconception!
Narcissists may enter the institution of marriage, but only because someone has passed the litmus test for being a good supply. This means different things to different narcissists, but in general, it means that they have found someone who will tolerate their dysfunctional ways.
Or, if their mask hasn’t completely slipped yet, they might temporarily commit to someone who will provide them with a “home base,” if you will. A place to go when they need to implement a few good silent treatments for other sources of supply or maybe they want to take a year or two off work.
Instead, they will appear committed to someone to reduce damage control after a particularly appalling neglect of an ex-partner in order to maintain the narcissist’s image of being “normal,” while others will think of their ex as the one who is unstable.
This is why we see them leave a relationship and quickly get engaged or move on to someone else. Keep in mind that this does not mean that there is anything better about the new goal. Again, it’s just image maintenance (and a two-stroke that makes you feel undeserving).
Marriage can already increase the risk of conflict and stress, but with a narcissist, the stakes are now even higher, both legally and emotionally! The narcissist in your life will always have more power over you, your assets, and your future.
And because narcissists love nothing more than a sense of control and power, you will remain a pawn in their evil game.
2: Carry me
If you’ve always dreamed of being a parent, it’s time to let go of your narcissistic relationship. Why? Having children when you are dealing with a narcissist will only magnify the problems in your life – and will bring untold problems into the life of your unborn child.
Narcissists are unable to provide the care, love, and attention that children need. Instead, narcissists love their children when it is appropriate for them to like them. In other words, children are a reflection of the narcissist’s success. They are praised and validated when they positively enhance the narcissist’s image.
In narcissistic families, children have frequent incidents of a toxic parent’s discipline, incompatibility, or outright disregard for their feelings. The narcissistic parent does not validate the child’s feelings; The narcissistic parent validates whatever is in their best interest.
A narcissistic parent may punish children for crying, shame them for feeling afraid, and even suppress them when expressing “excessive” happiness. In other words? Children learn that their feelings are erratic and insecure. They learn that they are the source of the problems.
Because of this, many children grow up believing that feelings must be suppressed. To achieve this suppression, we see many children of narcissists struggle with substance abuse, eating disorders, self-harm, and other impulsive or compulsive lifestyles.
These are the reasons we are now seeing, in many cases, a direct relationship between children having a narcissistic parent and then going on to become narcissistic themselves.
By having children with a narcissist, you risk creating a toxic home environment, which increases the chances of negative childhood experiences for any children you have with them. If you choose to leave the relationship after the birth, you risk dealing with the absolute nightmare of custody battles, visitation rights, and guardianship.
And because a narcissist loves power, control, and drama, you can bet that the narcissist will go to great lengths to fight for your children.
3: Buy a home
Buying a home may be the most important financial decision you will ever make. Home ownership can be a rite of passage into adulthood; It can evoke a tremendous sense of pride and accomplishment.
However, buying a home with a narcissist can quickly become one of your biggest financial disasters. First, when you decide to put money into a home, you need to be methodical and logical in your decision. You need to consider your options carefully, and while it’s OK to “fall in love” with your home, it’s smart to lead with your intellect rather than your emotions.
Narcissists tend to make decisions based on what they want. You have nothing to do with it. If they love the house, if they think it’s the right choice, if this is where they want to live – this is the house you get! At this point, there may be very little or no room for negotiation.
If you end the relationship, you will face a legal and financial nightmare to solve the next steps. Likewise, most narcissistic partners will try to give away everything they can get.
4: Quit your job and walk away
Is your narcissistic partner trying to pressure you into moving to a new place? Did they get a new career that was a seemingly perfect, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? Or have they decided it’s time for the two of you to make a fresh start, away from all the people you love?
In healthy relationships, partners will need to make compromises from time to time. However, these concessions are mutual. Both partners openly discuss their needs, speaking from a place of respect and compassion.
Narcissistic partners only care about their own needs. If they decide it’s time to pack up and move, they also expect you to be on board. If you give up, you risk giving away your identity. You risk losing your support system and your sense of accomplishment. Likewise, you risk losing the safety net that could save you if you decide to leave the relationship.
When narcissists suspect a problem in a relationship, they often resort to drastic measures to regain power and control. This is why they will try to pressure you into making tough decisions that don’t take your needs into consideration.
5: Put your future on hold waiting for change
This is perhaps one of the most insidious factors in narcissistic relationships. You want to be with your partner. You want the happy ending of the short story. There is only one thing: you want your partner to change. You know something is terribly wrong, and you think if that changed, all your problems would be solved.
This wrong thinking is dangerous. It prevents you from living to your full potential. You risk falling deeper into the bottomless abyss of narcissistic abuse.
There is no cure for narcissism. People only change when they want to change and when they want to. Moreover, they don’t change unless they are willing to put in the effort, work, and discipline needed to fix their flaws. Since narcissists do not recognize the need for change (or acknowledge any flaws at all), there is no incentive for new behavior.
As a result, you end up wasting time and missing out on potential opportunities. You sacrifice your sanity and your well-being under the false pretense that something different is going to happen.
Final thoughts on dealing with a narcissist
Dealing with a narcissist is obviously challenging. If you’ve already invested precious time and resources into your relationship, it’s easy to keep rationalizing big decisions. But, the longer we stay in these toxic environments, the more difficult it is to leave and the more damage we take to our bodies, minds, and souls.
Each of us had to think about these scenarios and make difficult decisions. But I guarantee you, no one has ever had a successful outcome with a narcissist after choosing to stay in that relationship. I know this because of the industry I work in. I know what goes on behind the scenes and some of the stories I hear are absolutely heartbreaking.
The hard truth is that we must hold ourselves accountable for our future selves. If we jeopardize these areas in our lives, we risk dire consequences—now and in the future.
Are you ready to be free from emotional turmoil? Are you ready for marriage, family and home – but know you can’t do it with your current partner?
It is necessary to remember how strong you are. You now have the strength to stand behind the boundary lines and distance yourself as far as possible from the narcissist.
Don’t feel obligated to keep giving your power – and your life – away to them. Even if you’ve been in one of the situations I’ve discussed in this article (like I was when I found out I was pregnant several years ago), it’s never too late to get your life back on track.
