5 Steps To Take In Order To End A Toxic Relationship With Someone You Love |

Learning how to break up with someone you love is difficult, especially if you see signs of a toxic relationship.

Let’s face it, ending any relationship is hard, but adding toxic elements to a relationship makes it even harder.

This may seem counter-intuitive because upon reflection, ending a relationship with someone who is not good for you may seem like a no-brainer. But, in reality, the surprising truth is that breaking up with someone you love who is a toxic person usually involves more mixed emotions and doubts than ending a healthy relationship.

The reason behind this lies in our healthy desire to reform, reform, and make peace with the people we associate with. In toxic relationships, this instinct is thwarted.

If two people in a relationship treat each other fairly, they can come to a reasonable understanding of why they ended the relationship. It’s hard to come to this conclusion when the relationship is unhealthy.

Why? Because in toxic and unhealthy relationships, nothing is clear.

There is a great deal of manipulation, which often involves denial and disproportionate blame. When these manipulative techniques are used by one or two people, neither person feels they can see the real problem.

This constant ambiguity can make it difficult to trust your perceptions. It can also bring you back into these cloudy waters again and again, searching for clarity, justice, and mutuality that always seem just out of your reach.

If you are in this dynamic and yet genuinely seek understanding and fairness, you will feel frustrated!

To break up with someone you love but are in a toxic relationship with, you need to take these five important steps.

Stop looking for “closure” in the form of mutual understanding

In a healthy relationship, the ending should include a mutual understanding of the reasons for the breakup, even if you both have different motivations.

Ideally, and often, this can include feelings of goodwill toward each other and appreciation for what went well in the communication and/or what was learned in the communication’s successes and failures.

A toxic relationship by definition lacks mutual understanding, consistent mutual empathy, and mutual and fair assumption of responsibility. Therefore, know that a breakup will also look different than a healthy breakup.

People who are naturally fair, compassionate, and willing to accept responsibility often fall into a vicious cycle of searching for a healthy ending that does not exist. Accept this fact and move forward.

Spend some time away from the relationship dynamic

Remind yourself of what lies on the other side of the breakup. People who end toxic relationships are often surprised by how relieved and better they feel.

The irony of a toxic relationship is that when you’re in it, you can’t see it. This reality is clouded by self-doubt, loss of self-esteem, and confusion.

People in toxic relationships often imagine that life would be unbearable without the relationship. In some abusive relationships, one person intentionally implies that the other will never find love again, is not worthy of love, and will be miserable or lost without them.

Taking some time away from toxic relationship dynamics will help you put reality into perspective and remind you that life will be better on the other side of the breakup.

Connect with your support system so healthy friends know what you’re going through

Remind your support system that you need active reminders about why the relationship is unhealthy for you and what you have to gain by breaking up.

Your support system can help you maintain your direction and momentum during times of confusion, self-doubt, and second-guessing.

Again, since a toxic relationship will lower your self-esteem, affect your judgment, and often cause depression, you need external sources of motivation, encouragement, and clarity.

Rely on people you trust and who understand the transition you are going through. Actively ask these people for reminders that keep you on your way.

Deliver a clear but simple message to your soon-to-be ex

Once you have the clarity and support to end a relationship with a toxic person, send a clear and simple message. Again, resist the urge to “talk it out” or find a mutual understanding.

A message like “I feel both of us should separate and I want to do it now” is simple and direct.

When specifying why you made this decision, consider pointing out that the relationship is not operating with mutual respect and understanding and that you do not believe that making more efforts will help the relationship reach this goal.

The reason to be simple and direct is that details can be used to pull you back into a toxic cycle of blame and deflection.

Set and maintain very clear boundaries with your ex

When any relationship ends, boundaries are redefined. When you end a toxic relationship, these boundaries need to be clearer and provide more distance.

For example, a healthy breakup may lead to a friendly friendship or acquaintance. When you end a toxic relationship, completely cut off any unnecessary contact (e.g. communication about co-parenting, shared work relationships, etc.).

When you disconnect you give yourself the best chance to feel what life is like without the toxic cycle. This will also motivate you to move forward with your life and make healthier connections.

The more toxic the relationship, the more absolute you need to be about your boundaries and distance.

If you know you’re in an unhealthy relationship and need to end it, get support to find your clarity and your plan. Do not be lazy, your health is in danger. If your home was on top of a toxic waste dump, you would act fast! Do the same here, and don’t be afraid to ask for help to do so.

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