Being in a relationship with a narcissist can cost you your health and your sanity. I know this because, as a clinical psychologist, I have not only worked with many clients who have been in destructive relationships with narcissists, but I have also personally experienced the suffering they can cause.
In my experience, recovery seems to occur in five stages—what I call the “Five Rules of Recovery.” Let’s take a look at each of these stages:
- Recognize the Problem.
It can take a long time before you realize you’re in a bad situation. The toxic nature of a relationship with a narcissist is often hidden at first. It may start like a dream come true. This is because narcissists use a strategy called “love bombing” to lure you in. They portray themselves as the perfect partner, making you feel special and valuable. But this is just a way to lure you in, and it’s frighteningly effective.
Over time, we begin to experience the truly toxic nature of our partner: blaming, manipulating, criticizing, lying, faking the future, and withdrawing affection to punish us. When this shift begins, we often think it’s our fault that things aren’t as good as they were, and we double down on our efforts to get things back to “normal.” We cling to the hope that the partner we saw in the beginning will return.
As these toxic behaviors take hold, you may begin to feel sad, confused, wary, frustrated, anxious, lonely, discouraged, and disappointed. You may experience health effects such as headaches, insomnia, and indigestion. The longer you stay in this toxic environment, the worse things get. Eventually, feelings of hopelessness, despair, helplessness, and even thoughts about whether life is worth living can set in.
It’s crucial to recognize that you’re in a toxic environment and that the changes you’re going through in the relationship and yourself are not your fault. It’s not you; 2. Get Out of the Toxic Environment.
Once you’ve identified the problem (hint: it’s not you!) and the negative effects of being in this destructive relationship, you need to remove yourself from it. Staying in an unsafe relationship prevents you from recovering from it. The insidious part is that the longer you stay and the worse things get, the harder it will be to leave. Just as toxic physical environments make you weaker over time, so do toxic emotional, verbal, and psychological environments. Mind games and control begin to feel normal. You get used to feeling bad and supporting yourself so you can get through the day.
Sometimes we beat ourselves up with thoughts like, “I have to be strong enough to handle this.” Or, “It could be worse.” Please hear me out when I say that it’s not about strength. The longer you stay in a toxic physical environment, the sicker you get. The same thing happens in toxic relationships. Staying is a losing battle.
Please remember that the most dangerous time is often when you decide to leave. If you’re in a physically abusive relationship or potentially a physically abusive relationship, make sure you have a plan in place to leave safely. (MBG has a complete guide on how to leave an abusive relationship safely.)
If you’re in immediate danger, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as needed. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also talk to them through a live private chat on their website.
- Repair the Damage.
Once you’ve gotten out of a toxic relationship, you can begin to repair the damage you’ve suffered. It often takes a professional “repair team” to help you do this effectively. Let me start by saying that any abuse you’ve experienced as a result of being with a narcissistic partner is not your fault. The responsibility for the abuse, whatever form it takes in your relationship, lies 100% with the abuser. What we are responsible for—and what we must identify and repair—is what makes us vulnerable to getting into and staying in a destructive relationship.
This is where finding a trained mental health professional can be a lifesaver, as they can help you identify what it is in your life that makes you vulnerable to falling in love with a narcissistic partner. Together, you will identify patterns, mindsets, and behaviors that made you vulnerable to this type of relationship.
You may discover dynamics you saw between your parents that you thought were normal or a tendency toward codependency that made you attractive and drawn to a narcissist. Repairing your weaknesses may also involve forgiving yourself for the choices you made. Not to blame yourself, but as a way to repair your relationship with yourself and move on.
Related : Think You’re In A Toxic Relationship? Here Are The Signs To Look For + What To Do
You must do the internal repair work so that you do not end up with another narcissistic partner. I have seen many women come out of a toxic relationship, experience a little freedom and joy, and find themselves back in another toxic relationship. Do the repair work for as long as you can to prepare yourself for a healthy life and a healthy relationship.
- Restore Your Spirit and Retrain Your Mind.
Next, after identifying and addressing the damage caused by your narcissistic relationship, you will need a period of recovery and retraining. Just because you’ve gotten out of a toxic relationship doesn’t mean you’re completely healed and ready for your next relationship. There’s very real work to be done to restore your sense of safety, confidence, self-esteem, sense of worth, and peace of mind.
Being in a toxic relationship is a form of trauma. As such, it’s very normal to experience a trauma response, which can include feelings of exhaustion, sadness, anxiety, irritability, detachment, numbness, or caution.
These feelings don’t necessarily go away just because you remove yourself from the toxic relationship. It will take time to calm your nervous system and retrain your mind to feel safe in your skin again and feel safe in another relationship. Again, seeking professional help can be a vital part of the recovery and healing process.
There are many ways we can protect ourselves from toxic relationships in the future: healing the wounds that made you vulnerable to getting into these types of relationships; recognizing and paying attention to red flags; setting boundaries; raising your standards; understanding your value and place; learning how to be whole on your own; recognizing what narcissistic behavior looks, feels, and sounds like; having a zero-tolerance policy for abuse; and seeking advice from trusted others. You might consider involving others in your future relationships as a second layer of eyes and accountability before making a big commitment.
- Recreate Your Life.
Now that you have restored your inner well-being and sense of security, it is time to recreate your life. You are not the same person you were when you first entered that narcissistic relationship. It is time to figure out who you want to be now that you are free. What kind of life do you want? What kind of relationship do you want to have in the future?
Related : Narcissism: Where It Comes From and How to Deal With It
This is your chance to not only rebuild your life before you enter that toxic relationship but to recreate it! It’s the bright spot in all this chaos: you get a fresh start. You can emerge better than you were before. Spend some time thinking about the following questions:
By going through this experience, in what ways have I changed for the better?
What kind of life and relationship do I want in the future?
What is possible for me now that would not have been possible had this dark time never happened?
What have I learned?
How will I help others with what I’ve learned?
The answers to these questions will help you make up for the pain you’ve endured.
Bottom Line.
The negative impact of toxic relationships on our lives, our health, and our mental well-being is real, and it’s dangerous. You’re not crazy. You don’t have to stumble your way through life or love. I hope these five principles of recovery will help you recognize the real problem, undo yourself, repair your weaknesses, regain your sense of safety and well-being, and recreate your life. Recovery from narcissistic relationships is possible, and you deserve it.
