“Mirror, mirror on the wall, I am my father after all.”
Is this you?
You look in the mirror and see a competent leader and achiever, someone who is in charge of every event, always receiving the glory and in the spotlight. When you’re at home and out of the spotlight, you feel empty and you fill that void by demanding attention and compliance with your needs.
If this is you, you may be the child of a narcissistic parent.
On the other hand, you look in the mirror and see someone who spends their life trying to please others. Time and time again, you find yourself in relationships that leave you emotionally exhausted. You are constantly looking for ways to make others happy but receive nothing in return.
If you see any of these reflections, you may be the child of a parent who lacks the ability, empathy, and ability to care for you. A parent who demanded that everything, all the time, be about them – their wants, their desires, their needs, their survival.
A parent who literally sucked your youthful vitality out of you, leaving you as an adult searching for fulfillment and recognition outside of yourself. The applause of public adulation or recognition from those to whom you give everything is what you think you need to survive, to be “good enough.”
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All is not lost. You can heal this unhealthy cycle. As a son, daughter, little boy or girl, you did your best, but you didn’t have the resources to do anything more than you did.
But that child who craves love, approval, and support is still there inside you. You can, if you choose to do this work, give them unconditional support to heal the old wound and, in doing so, heal yourself as an adult child of narcissistic parents.
These five steps can help you recover (and move on) from your narcissistic parent and bring you a healthier relationship with yourself and the world in which you live:
- Accept the truth.
Your parent always puts his or her needs and desires first, leaving you with a void that needs nurturing. It can be very painful to feel that you were not loved as a child, especially by your parents. Hiding from this personal truth will not heal it or make it go away.
This little child inside you has had experiences that inform all your actions and reactions as an adult, and will continue to do so until their stories are heard and their truths are known. You may tell yourself that your parents did their best, but that is only part of the truth. They did their best but did not have the ability to meet your needs.
Accepting this truth can free you from feelings of guilt and help get rid of negative feelings towards your parents that are hindering your fulfillment and happiness.
What you can do: Reconsider and make a list of times you remember giving them the “benefit of the doubt,” giving them credit for doing their best and adding, “They weren’t able to meet my needs and I did my best at that.” My life.” Write as clearly as possible what you needed at that time in your life that your father did not provide for you.
- Launching old experiments.
Even if we don’t realize it, these experiences are stored in our bodies. These stored memories, without our knowledge, trigger our actions and reactions. There are many ways to symbolize the release of these memories.
What you can do: Write down an experience that emerges in as much detail as possible, especially regarding how you felt when your parents did not recognize your needs. Rotate the piece of paper upwards. Stand, extend your arm straight out in front of you, and grip the paper in your fist so hard that it hurts.
Feel how holding on to this paper, which causes you discomfort, does not help you, does not nourish you, and does not bring you any satisfaction. Will you open your hand and allow the crumpled paper to fall to the ground while saying in your heart, “Release (fill in here: the feelings aroused by the situation).”
Repeat until you really feel the release throughout your body.
- Communicate with courage.
When you were a child, you did the best you could in the circumstances you found yourself in. Being raised by a narcissistic parent presented you with many challenges – challenges that you faced with courage and resilience whether you knew it or not.
What you can do: Mention times when you did your best in difficult circumstances. Recognize your courage in the face of fear, witness your intelligence in solving problems, and recognize your resilience. Gently fold this paper and place it lightly, like a butterfly, in your open palm.
Feel it almost weightless in your hand, and know that it is you – it has always been you. Slowly rotate your wrist allowing the paper to flutter to the ground knowing with certainty that the little kid with this courage, resilience, intelligence and more is you.
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- Continue to empathize.
From this moment on, you can begin to heal yourself by giving the little girl inside you the compassion, care, nurturing, praise, and more, that you missed when you were a child.
What you can do: Bring gentle compassion to this neglected and, in some cases, abused young child. When they come to you, listen kindly and compassionately, without judgement. Don’t respond with, “Yes, but…”
Instead look with new eyes and admiration at the courage and resilience of your younger self.
- Maintain mental alertness.
This is all about being aware of your reactions in your current life. You may still find yourself feeling those familiar feelings that cause you to act in a way that reminds you of the worst about your parents.
If you do, pause and think about the beliefs you still hold on about how to survive in this world and take a few moments of mindfulness to find a better way.
What you can do: Pause. Find a quiet place if you can. Accept and welcome what comes. Show gentle compassion to the part of you that feels afraid, thinking it’s not up to par.
Show your younger self that this belief is untrue, and that you can live as your healthy adult self without the unwanted influence of your parents’ narcissism. Tap into your new awareness of your courage, resilience, intelligence, and more.
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