From euphoria to despair, the cycle of toxic relationships leaves lasting scars. Learn about the stages of a narcissistic relationship to protect yourself from emotional fluctuations and avoid permanent trauma.
Narcissistic relationships often go through a traumatic cycle that is an expected consequence of narcissistic personality disorder. Central to understanding a narcissist’s behavior is that his or her relationships are transactional.
Their weak boundaries and lack of empathy prevent them from seeing others as separate, three-dimensional beings with their own needs and feelings.
Thus, more than most people, they are driven by self-interest without regard to its impact on their partner. However, it is important to remember that there are several types of narcissists with varying symptoms and disease severity.
In narcissistic relationships, instead of deepening love, dissatisfaction and abuse increase. Naturally, this creates conflict.
Who wants to be dependent and dissatisfied, which is typical in codependent relationships? Narcissists are also codependent, but they express it differently. They do not sacrifice themselves for the sake of the relationship. They sacrifice the relationship for themselves.
What are the stages of a narcissistic relationship?
The first stage of the narcissistic relationship cycle: impression management
Narcissists are attracted to people who enhance their image or status, such as someone who is successful, talented, or attractive. If you are qualified, they will brag about impressing you so you will like and admire them.
Some narcissists will ask about you and mirror your tastes and interests, which can be fun. They may even reveal flaws or sad stories about themselves to arouse your sympathy. Make no mistake, power and control are essential to them.
They evaluate how much you care about them, and how supportive, flexible and accommodating you are.
Seduction plays a role in this romantic stage. Some narcissists engage in love bombing. To varying degrees, they shower you with attention, gifts, compliments, expensive dinners or trips, and even promises of commitment to “win you over.”
They are very good at impression management and the charm of influencing people and gaining admiration. Their behavior may be unconscious, but for some narcissists, romance is a game, and they are consciously manipulating you.
Your turn:
Dating a narcissist can be confusing for anyone who feels lonely, depressed, wants a relationship, or has low self-esteem. Lust and hope cause you to rationalize or overlook troubling signs.
The best defense is to have a fulfilling life, friends, and healthy self-esteem. Be honest about your needs, dislikes, and boundaries, and don’t cancel commitments and other commitments to be with them.
Remember that getting to know each other takes time, and love and commitment take even longer. In my research, it took people seven meetings to see through the narcissist’s facade.
Related: 8 Things to Do When Someone Is Disrespectful to You
Stage 2 of the Narcissistic Relationship Cycle: They find you imperfect
The second stage of narcissistic relationships begins once the narcissist believes you are a drug addict. The challenge of winning you over is no longer motivating. They start finding faults and expect you to be perfect, just like they think you are.
They make mistakes, blame, get angry, and make unreasonable requests and demands. You have to put them on first, use a certain shampoo, or dress the way they want. It’s your fault that they were late for the meeting or that they couldn’t find their socks.
There are several ways to understand their behavior. First, once they become secure in the relationship, they tire of the effort required to impress and entertain you. Now they want their demands met.
Second, they want to maintain control and make sure you won’t challenge them or leave them. By blaming and criticizing you, they undermine your power and self-esteem, and they gain the upper hand.
Third, their ideal perception of you evaporates. They get angry at your requests and criticism and are disappointed when they see you in an unflattering way, when you make mistakes, or are less attentive than you were at first.
Their “love” or infatuation withers. Fourth, they cannot keep a positive image of you in their mind when they feel disappointed or angry. This is an unconscious division, which they cannot control.
Your turn:
If you already have low self-esteem or a critical or abandoning parent, the narcissist’s behavior triggers a trauma reaction that leads to further hurt. You try extra hard to please the narcissist and be “perfect” in order to gain love – an impossible task.
It’s time to learn everything you can about narcissists and how to communicate with them in my book. Notice how you feel in the relationship, regardless of how much you love the narcissist.
Don’t take their feedback personally, practice self-care, and set boundaries. Therapy can help, especially if your emotional needs are not being met and you are insecure, walking on eggshells, or confused.
The third stage of the narcissistic relationship cycle: escalation of abuse
If you do not disengage and set effective boundaries to limit the narcissist’s behavior, you are indirectly giving the green light for the narcissistic abuse to escalate and your needs to be ignored.
They may call you names, publicly humiliate you in front of others, shamelessly lie, fabricate events and statements, hold you back, withhold material, emotional, or physical support or needs, or practice DARVO and gaslighting.
Anger and anger are becoming more common. Normal conversation and loving gestures mostly disappear. At this point, they may try to isolate you and prevent you from working, seeing friends and family, or seeking outside help.
More malignant narcissists may be aggressive and hurt you or your property, without remorse
Covert and vulnerable narcissists often play the victim and constantly demand attention or love. Your life increasingly revolves around their moods, jealousies, and needs.
They expect reassurance, pampering, and frequent physical affection or sex, and they may expect you to read their minds and fulfill their every desire, like a mother caring for her infant.
Your turn:
It is a mistake to confuse the demands of attention and love. It’s disrespectful to you, your boundaries, and your needs. Don’t expect the romantic phase to return.
Typically, partners continue to hope this will happen despite the worsening abuse and the absence of any positive attention. Instead, they become trauma-bound and more dependent on the narcissist.
They begin to accept the reality of the narcissist and lose more of themselves. They may feel hopeless and in most cases cannot leave without outside help.
Don’t isolate. It is necessary to get outside help to properly perceive reality, protect yourself, rebuild your independence and self-esteem, set boundaries, and improve or leave the relationship.
Related: 7 Toxic Outcomes of the Favorite Child: What Happens When They Grow Up
The fourth stage: replacing you or getting rid of you
Some refer to the fourth stage of narcissistic relationships as “discarding,” the narcissistic departure, but this does not apply to many marriages, which can last for decades.
Narcissists desperately need a source of admiration, just as an addict needs their drug. They will look for it elsewhere if you are a gray rock, tired of providing, or have devalued you to the point that their need for admiration needs to be filled by a more desirable source.
This may be through their work, individual travel, social engagements or a romantic relationship. Whether the narcissist is having an affair or wants a divorce, he or she blames you and plays the victim.
Often times, narcissists don’t want a divorce, they just want their needs met. They want comfort and marital status, care for their home and children, and a stable financial situation, without making any compromises required in the mutual relationship.
In short relationships, narcissists who fear commitment are players, and may jump to stage four, “ghost” you, or suddenly break up, even after engagement. (Not everyone who ghosts is a narcissist.) It is extremely painful to be inexplicably abandoned at the height of hope and romance.
Your turn:
Don’t allow yourself to take the blame for their infidelity or relationship failure. Remember that throughout the relationship they did not take responsibility for their behavior, and now it is no different.
Get support to advocate for yourself. If you want to try to salvage the relationship, insist that the narcissist attend therapy. Marriage counseling may be the first step, but you should also have your own therapist. If divorce is on the table, look for an experienced divorce attorney.
The fifth stage: consequences
After a breakup or divorce from a narcissist, expect to be ignored, seduced, or harassed. After ghosting, dumping, or divorce, many narcissists engage in “roaming” to get you back and/or maintain you as a potential subject of their supply.
They may make empty promises, flatter you, blame you, shame you, apologize, call or show up unexpectedly, agree to treatment, pursue you, beg you, or even cry to get you back.
Once they think they have you back, they slowly go back to their old ways. Don’t get your hopes up. For a narcissist to truly change, a commitment to long-term treatment is required.
If the narcissist is unsuccessful in getting you back or you are the one who initiates the breakup, the narcissist may use threats and intimidation to get what they want.
Some will take revenge and punish you to regain their superiority and self-esteem, and will not hesitate to use children as weapons.
Your turn:
No matter what the narcissist says or does, no contact is recommended. Even answering their calls or texts reassures them that they have power over you.
If you are a parent, maintain strict boundaries and adhere to legal agreements and orders. Consult an attorney if abused by the narcissist.
It is important to admit that you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse. The effect of this does not end with the end of the relationship.
Dealing with a narcissist is traumatic and can cause PTSD, accompanied by lingering feelings of anxiety, shame, and depression. Get therapy to remove your self-confidence and self-esteem so you don’t isolate or repeat the abusive relationship.
Learn how to avoid dating a narcissist, and how to use strategic transactional communications and change the power dynamics in a relationship to regain your independence and raise your self-esteem.
Follow the Steps and Scripts in Dating, Love, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships
You will be empowered to evaluate and improve your relationship or leave if you choose. do not wait! The narcissist will not change until you change, and the relationship will not improve until it becomes stronger.
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