The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days, in part because of our selfie-driven world. Social media has given everyone a pass to say “look at me,” and swipe culture has turned people into salad dressing: You can choose a different flavor at any time. Love is now offered, like everything else today. We’re impatient and disconnected. Technology has given us a throne and a rechargeable magic mirror.
But first, let me point out that there’s a difference between narcissistic tendencies and full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). One is diagnosed by a therapist. In the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5),[1] NPD is defined as consisting of a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a persistent need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and continuing through the present.
They say early adulthood is a stage because almost every teen has NPD. Jokingly, but not really. So this is an adult personality disorder and the person must have five of these nine traits.
A grandiose sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Belief that they are special and unique and can only be understood by or associated with special or high-status people or institutions
A need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement
- Exploitative interpersonal behavior
- Lack of empathy
- Envy of others or the belief that others envy them
- Exhibiting arrogant or haughty behaviors or attitudes
And it doesn’t get any more than the weekend when your overworked, underpaid, self-loathing best friend finally decides to make a big deal about her because it’s her birthday. These are fixed traits that are ingrained in a person’s personality. It’s about who they are, how they act, and how they show up in the world and in their relationships.
Okay, let’s take it out of the therapy room and down to the street level now.
Why are we drawn to narcissists in the first place? Well, because they can be charismatic. And because they need to be the center of attention, they’ve been dancing the beat for a long time. They’ve crafted their charisma, which you thought was confidence. And getting attention from the guy on the “stage” who gets all the attention makes you feel better about yourself and what you’re missing inside. You don’t know it. It’s all happening in the background. Until you realize it’s not confidence but insecurity. He’s trying to prove his worth. Not because he’s actually smart and charming. It’s because he’s afraid of being average. But by then, you’ve already lived with it, with cuts on your feet from all the eggshells.
“When I look at narcissism through the lens of vulnerability, I see a shame-based fear of being average. I see a fear of never feeling like you’re extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be loved, to belong, to develop a sense of purpose.” —Brené Brown
Your partner doesn’t have to be clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder for a relationship to become abusive. Being in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies can become abusive, too. This is what most of us go through. Yes, there’s a spectrum. From your cousin Cartwheel to Axl Rose in the early ’90s. But enough “I” statements, character assassination, and not taking responsibility for anything can make you feel inferior and flawed.
Here are five narcissistic tendencies to look for that might hint at an abusive relationship. Again, be consistent with these tendencies. This doesn’t happen occasionally or when they’re feeling down or self-conscious, because we can all experience Narcissistic Personality Disorder from time to time.
- They Don’t Hear You
Yes, they may appear to be listening. But all they hear is themselves quickly rehearsing their response. They don’t hear what you’re saying because they don’t have the capacity for empathy. Without empathy, no one feels heard or understood. Their mind is focused on trying to be understood rather than trying to understand. Talking to a narcissist is like driving on a one-way street without knowing it and wondering why no one else is coming.
- They Can’t Take Criticism
Remember that they are perfect. Or at least that’s what they want the world to see. Criticism means they’re not perfect. And that’s not something they want to give up. It doesn’t matter how much they say they love you. They love themselves more. If they let criticism creep into their lives, their whole house of cards (their identity) will collapse.
- Rules Don’t Apply to Them
They think they’re special. Smarter, sexier, funnier, everything. Rules are for normal people. If they follow them, they’ll be normal people too. So they’re above the rules. Well, the thing is, all healthy relationships have rules. That’s what makes a relationship safe. And safety is what builds trust. If someone doesn’t believe the rules apply to them, then the relationship is ultimately unsafe.
- They’re Never Wrong
If they’re wrong, that means they’re equal or less than you. That means they’re no longer special. They can’t be wrong. And since they’re never wrong, it’s always your fault. Insert blame. Lots of it. And shared self-blame. Lots of it. The more they’re not wrong, the more you think you are wrong. Not because of what you did. But because of who you are.
- They Don’t Take Responsibility
If they never make a mistake, there’s nothing to take responsibility for. Ownership comes when we believe we did or said something wrong. So we take responsibility for it. But if we believe we’ve never made a mistake, there’s nothing to take responsibility for. But the danger of not taking responsibility isn’t about right or wrong. When someone doesn’t take responsibility, they stunt their growth. They create their own ceiling. And when you have one person in a relationship who stunts their growth, you’re going to have conflict.
Related : Why Isn’t Narcissistic Victim Syndrome a Real Diagnosis?
If you’re in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, the first step is to stop blaming yourself. It’s easy to think you did something wrong. Or that you should have known better when choosing a partner. You weren’t the problem.
It didn’t happen overnight. There was a whole process involved, like the courtship and the moments when you felt authentic. It wasn’t until later that the manipulation and manipulation came, that you started to question your self-worth. And that’s the part you need to remind yourself of. No matter how long it took or how subtle it was, that questioning made you leave, or maybe you’re questioning it now. Either way, that questioning proves that you believe you’re worthy. You really are. You deserve better. Trust that. And keep feeding it. It will lead you to a new path of acceptance, forgiveness, and trust in yourself again.
“When a narcissist leaves you, it means they couldn’t break you. No matter how much abuse they’ve done—you still have standards, self-esteem, and self-worth. You were a mirror for their dysfunction. Take their departure as a compliment.” – Tess Brewer
