When we’re in the midst of our daily lives with someone, we don’t see the long-term negative impact our relationship is having on our mood, self-esteem, self-confidence, values, goals, and spirit. Other meaningful relationships. We can go from an enthusiastic, healthy, happy person to a miserable, crying wreck that no one wants to be around without even knowing what’s going on.
This reminds us of the story of the frog that was placed in a pool of cold water. He doesn’t realize that it’s actually a pot on the stove slowly boiling. It’s cooked and ready to eat before you even know it. And I don’t think we want to be reduced to a delicious pair of frog’s legs on a silver platter from our poisonous porter.
Here are 5 signs of a toxic relationship that show up through changes in yourself.
- Friends and family don’t like who you became when you were with your man.
It’s a red flag when your family doesn’t like your man, but this reaction can have an impact both ways. Have you ever had someone who really loves you, someone who really supports you, say something like this to you: “It’s not that I don’t like your friend/boyfriend/wife. It’s just that I don’t like who you become when you’re with them. I feel like you’re not your true self”?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard some variation of this line from friends and family while I was dating everyone who broke my heart. But I was in denial because I was overwhelmed by the oxytocin and dopamine tsunami of relationship addiction and didn’t want to look too closely at what it was costing me.
My relationship with the Greek God spanned most of my college years. Besides the damage it did to my body image, it hurt me in other ways as well. After several months of dating, he began having questionable relationships with other women. As a result, she went from a popular, carefree, fun-loving coed to a loner who developed spy skills on par with the CIA, conducting that patented, other-dependent surveillance at 3 a.m.
This was accompanied by rifling through his personal papers and letters, driving for hours to see if he was really where he said he was, and then returning without even knowing I was there. My friends and family noticed how I turned into a nervous geisha when my man was around and a whiny harridan when he wasn’t in sight.
They tried to interfere, which made me turn away from them. Once I marginalized the closest people in my life, I isolated myself further in the toxic relationship.
- You become untrustworthy and inconsistent.
When the man we love is inconsistent and unreliable, we can often mirror him, becoming unreliable and inconsistent with everyone except our Romeo. For him, we will make ourselves available when he calls, and wait hours or days until he deigns to see us. But then we start being late or canceling appointments with friends, family, and colleagues so that we are always prepared for the unpredictable.
While we wait for our beloved to respond and call, other meaningful relationships fall by the wayside. People stop calling because they know we’ll throw them away the minute the scoundrel pricks his little finger. Soon our lives become small, isolated and lonely. Isolation is the worst thing that can happen to a relationship addict.
- You do strange things to manage or confirm the relationship.
If you live in Venice Beach, as I did, you may be seeking the wisdom of a shaman, a psychic, or a hypnotist. Anyone may predict a wonderful future for you and your lover if you can learn how to control it. Worse still, you may be relying on the wrong self-help book that confirms your choice to stay in a situation where your heart beats with the mistaken belief that you can influence your man by applying the tools presented therein.
For a time, John Gray’s still-popular Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus was my bible. I’ll give you an example of the absolute waste of time that occurred when I invested in using the tools in Gray’s book.
Gray writes: “When a Martian is upset, he never talks about what is bothering him. He will not burden another Martian with his problem unless his friend’s help is necessary to solve the problem. Instead, he becomes very quiet and goes into his cave to think over his problem, to think about it To find a solution.
Gray explains that the Venusians (women) need to be patient and allow the men to come out of their cave when they are ready. So I waited. And wait. And wait.
What I didn’t realize is that when you’re the only one floundering and fighting for the relationship, Gray’s advice can stretch your tolerance for really bad behavior and keep you in purgatory indefinitely. The truth is, that a relationship is only as good as the person who tries as little as possible.
- You can turn daffodil breadcrumbs into a rustic loaf.
The longer we stay in toxic conditions, the more we deplete jet fuel and our self-worth. Until recently, we gave villains credit for doing the absolute minimum to keep our relationship going. Women stuck in soul-numbing situations are bakers extraordinaires. They can take their young man’s breadcrumbs and beat them into a rustic loaf because they desperately want to justify staying with him.
For example, Caroline moved in with Toby, her boyfriend of three years, because she was certain that his fight over a shared apartment would develop into a marriage proposal. Toby, a nonconformist, workaholic peddler, was decorated with red flags. But Caroline thought that bringing Toby to the altar would solve all their problems.
Toby’s depression, lying, cheating, and obstructionism will disappear, as will Caroline’s nagging, anger, spying, and auditioning as a wife. As expected, once Caroline moved in, Toby’s depression intensified. He hedged like a hedgehog against scheming with Caroline’s family and friends. His addiction to work doubled.
On their first Christmas together, Caroline tried to convince Toby to help her decorate their house for the season. She thought that if they hung tinsel, garlands, and garlands together they would turn into a “real” couple. Toby managed to be busy whenever Caroline wanted to decorate. With Christmas Eve quickly approaching, Caroline decides to decorate the tree and the house on her own. She then scolds Toby for not helping her.
The next morning, I found Toby heading to a very early business meeting. Caroline rolled out of bed to begin another painful, obsessive little day. Then I discovered Toby’s contribution to their holiday home. There on the mantelpiece, above the fireplace, hung a very small Christmas stocking about the size of a fig leaf. He helped her decorate! This little red stocking, with white faux fur trim, made Caroline’s heart swell.
Good Christ! He was trying! He loved it! He wanted to make her happy! Just look at this microscopic, imperceptible little shoe! Any infinitesimally small gesture on Toby’s part was like a jewel polished to a wonderful sparkle in Caroline’s heart until she began to expect less and less and less…until she finally gave him credit for almost nothing at all.
I’m happy to report that Caroline dug herself up by her Christmas boots and ran out of the house she made to catch Toby. She spent last Christmas decorating with her new roommate, minus the drama, with lots of delicious hot chocolate and inedible fruit cake.
- You become addicted to the cycle of abuse
It’s important to make it very clear that I’m talking about emotional abuse. If you are in a physically abusive relationship, put it aside now and seek help immediately.
