Key Points
Vulnerable narcissists display a unique combination of fear and aggression.
Their need for attention, praise, and admiration can lead them to engage in aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviors.
Understanding vulnerable narcissists while setting boundaries is essential in relationships.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a persistent need for attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy. While NPD is typically associated with grandiosity and overt arrogance, research has highlighted a subtype known as vulnerable narcissism. Vulnerable narcissists display a unique combination of fear and aggression, often manifested through chronic passive-aggression. Here are five signs of a covert vulnerable narcissist, with references from my book, How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists.
- Need for Attention, Praise, and Admiration
Like other narcissists, vulnerable narcissists have an insatiable desire for attention and admiration. They want to be seen as special and unique. This constant need for approval may manifest in various aspects of their lives, including family, social, and professional environments. When vulnerable narcissists are deprived of attention and feelings of importance and (false) superiority, they may resort to aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviors to satisfy their narcissistic supply.
- Covert Hostility and Aggression
One of the most destructive aspects of vulnerable narcissism is the latent envy, resentment, and hostility they harbor toward others. These negative feelings tend to remain repressed until certain incidents trigger their covert hostility. Vulnerable narcissists may resort to passive-aggressive tactics such as deliberate sabotage, deliberate broken promises, deliberate underperformance, negative humor, sarcasm, and other behaviors that undermine and belittle their targets.
- Fear of Rejection and Ridicule
Vulnerable narcissism is often characterized by a duality between an intense fear of rejection and ridicule, coupled with a tendency to reject and ridicule others. Narcissism can often be traced back to early experiences of feeling unloved, unaccepted, and worthless. Vulnerable narcissists develop a false exterior persona to mask their inner feelings of inadequacy. The fear of rejection and ridicule serves as a trigger, reviving their early developmental wounds and leading to exaggerated reactions to real or perceived acts of rejection.
- Rejection and Ridicule of Others
“Some people try to be tall by cutting off other people’s heads.”
— Paramahansa Yogananda
While vulnerable narcissists fear rejection and ridicule, some engage in constant rejection and ridicule of others as a means of proving their fragile self-esteem. They derive a twisted sense of joy and satisfaction from judging, ridiculing, teasing, mocking, and comparing others negatively. Putting others down becomes a grim admission of their unworthiness and low self-esteem. If they don’t feel loved and worthy, they often seek to sabotage others from feeling the same.
While some vulnerable narcissists engage in a constant pathology of rejecting and ridiculing others, it is important to recognize that this behavior stems from their deep-rooted feelings of unworthiness. Their need to put others down is a reflection of their internal conflicts rather than a true assessment of the value of others.
- Difficulty Forming Trusting and Loving Relationships
Vulnerable narcissists often struggle to form trusting and loving relationships because of their deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy. Trust issues stem from their belief that others will not love and accept them genuinely because of their wounded sense of self. As a result, they become hypervigilant for signs of real or imagined rejection, while simultaneously engaging in aggression and passive aggression as a form of revenge, often leading to a lot of disturbing drama.
Early experiences of feeling unloved and inadequate often contribute to the vulnerable narcissist’s need to create a false exterior persona, intense fear of rejection, and excessive and subtle rejection of others, along with difficult relationships filled with negative drama (the desire for attention).
Understanding the fear of rejection and ridicule that underlies vulnerable narcissists can provide valuable insights into their behavioral patterns, and setting appropriate boundaries can help create healthier relationships. For tips on how to deal with narcissists, and how narcissists can change for the better, see the references below.
