A video of actress Nicole Kidman on Jimmy Fallon’s show in 2015 has been making the rounds on social media recently.
In the clip, Kidman reveals that she and Fallon once went on a date, but Fallon says he had no idea it was a date!
The incident happened years before her confession, with Kidman talking to Fallon:
“You didn’t talk. You didn’t say anything. And then I played a video game or something… and about an hour and a half later, I was like, ‘He’s not interested. “It’s so awkward.”
While Fallon wasn’t aware of Kidman’s interest in him, other men can usually tell when a woman wants to be more than just a friend. But for their part, they want a real friendship, not a relationship.
Psychologically speaking, there are five signs that a man wants to be a friend.
1) He’s not making it clear that he’s into you in that way
If the guy you’re interested in isn’t making any moves—he’s not flirting with you or asking you out—it could be a clear sign that he sees you as a friend and not romantically interested.
The truth is, if a man is into you, he’ll do just about anything to be with you, says relationship writer Preeti Siray.
“If he’s just around… but not making any moves, he’s not into you. In other words, he’s not interested in anything more than friendship. Men are physical beings. If he has feelings beyond friendship, even a nervous guy will show it.”
Like that book and movie of the same name starring Jennifer Aniston: He’s just not that into you.
2) Sure, he texts you… but only in response to texts from you
One clear sign that he only sees you as a friend is if he mostly texts you in response to texts from you.
Sometimes, he initiates a text, coming from a group chat where he can’t believe how his favorite sports team lost in such a spectacular way.
Otherwise, unless you’re the first one to text you, he doesn’t know you.
“One sign that he only sees you as a friend through text is that you rarely hear from him,”
Says the Love Strategies staff. “You’re the one who’s tapping his phone most of the time, asking him about his weekend skiing in Switzerland.”
“Sometimes he texts you; Other times he leaves you in the lurch, and you don’t hear from him for days… He rarely contacts you first.”
It’s not that he doesn’t love you: he may be genuinely in love with you… but only as a friend.
3) You see him regularly… but only when he’s part of a group
Similar to the above, while there’s no shortage of seeing your crush regularly, the problem is that the “gang” is invited along for the ride too.
It could be at your local pub or a football match – but routinely with the “squad” in tow.
“If he’s only inviting you to group outings, it’s probably because he sees you as one of the guys,” says relationship writer Steph Oteri.
“It might be tempting, but he doesn’t generally hug his guy friends after spending the day together.”
Relationship expert Claudia Cox agrees.
“When guys like a girl, they want her to themselves,” she says.
“If he’s constantly planning group outings, he probably just [genuinely] enjoys going out With you, but he doesn’t see you as a good friend.”
4) He doesn’t make eye contact with you much either
In a 2017 study from Wellesley College and the University of Kansas called the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the college reported that body language has a lot to do with measuring whether men are romantically and sexually interested in a relationship with an article titled “People Notice the Body Differently When Evaluating Friends vs. Colleagues.”
The study tracked the eye movements of more than 100 heterosexual graduate students as they looked at photos of men and women. The researchers asked the men whether they were interested in either being friends with the person in each photo or dating them.
“When participants were considering a date, they looked more at the head or chest of the person in the photo,” Cox explains. “However, when they were interested in friendship, they looked more at the legs and feet of the person.”
Angela Bahns, an assistant professor of psychology who co-authored the study, says the study shows that what people look for in a potential relationship partner depends on their goals in the relationship.
“The same person who makes a highly desirable friend may not make a good partner,” she says. “It sounds weird, but if a guy is obsessed with your feet, he probably has a friendship in mind.”
5) You’ve Become Close… But More Like His Best Friend
Picture this: The guy you can’t get out of your head invites you to a quaint little coffee shop downtown.
You get excited and dress up a little. You intentionally arrive five minutes late so he’ll be there first when you walk in.
His eyes light up when he sees you (or maybe it’s the lighting that makes his eyes sparkle even more?).
You order your coffee and he starts talking. He’s going to say something about his feelings, you think.
But no.
He wants a female perspective on his problems with women and wants your input. He confides in a mutual friend’s girlfriend and asks you how he should handle it and whether you know how their relationship is going.
Your heart feels as empty as your coffee cup.
One of the biggest signs that a man would rather have you as a friend than a girlfriend is that he’s telling you everything about his life, says Julia Simolo of Bolde.
“You might think that the fact that he’s opening up to you is a good thing, but there’s such a thing as too much information, especially in the early stages of getting to know someone.”
If he’s not shy about telling you how he’s achieved his goals and sharing them with other women, for example, he’s not trying to make a good first impression, Simolo says.
“He’s spilling all his secrets because he can’t threaten your relationship, which is strictly platonic.”
Ask yourself: At the end of the day, do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?
You deserve to be with someone who sees how beautiful you are.
Don’t waste time hoping he’ll accept you and develop feelings for you, says love coach Jen Jarabek of Getting To True Love.
Don’t be afraid of “losing him” because you don’t think anyone better will come along.
That’s called fear.
“Fear is what keeps us all where we are, whether we’re talking about a relationship, a job, a state of being, or anything else where we’re pushed outside of our comfort zones,” says Jarabek.
“We’ve all been there; you’re not alone in this. [And] there’s a way to fix it. It’s called trust. In you.”
Trust us: Someone better will come along. And you’ll be glad you didn’t pin all your hopes on his name.
