What makes a happy couple?
There are several things. First, they constantly “sweeten” the relationship, experts say. That’s so the partnership doesn’t grind to a halt.
And of course, they make it a priority to spend time together, while also committing to their interests.
They also appreciate each other’s differences and enjoy the knowledge, companionship, and fun that the other brings.
But there are several things that happy couples don’t do, according to psychologists.
That includes falling into common relationship traps.
What are those traps?
Here’s a deeper look at five of them.
1) They Don’t Take Their Partner for Granted
Years ago, a good friend of mine told me that by the time she married her long-term partner, the relationship was almost over.
Sarah Lynn admitted that the real reason they got married was because they thought it was “the next thing to do” and that marriage could freshen up the monotony of their partnership.
They fell into routines and patterns, and somewhere along the way, they started taking each other for granted.
She realized the marriage was doomed when she was more excited about her brother flying in from Australia for the wedding than she was about marrying the man who was supposed to be the “love of her life”.
Sarah Lynn of Edens Consulting Group says some behaviors are predictable once you get comfortable in a relationship and some priorities can become less important, more flexible, and even deferred.
“At first nothing is taken for granted, but over time it becomes such a scent that you get so used to it that you don’t even smell it,” she says.
“And of course, before you know it, you and your partner realize that the time you used to dedicate to each other has given way to taking each other for granted.”
Lynn says this common trap in relationships can lead to a chasm in a relationship because life gets in the way and we stop paying attention to these things.
That’s why it’s vital to avoid falling into this trap before resentment takes over and drives a wedge between you.
2) But they also don’t let their relationship replace the relationship they have with themselves
I would argue that we all need to feel independent, especially when we’re one-half of a couple.
After all, it’s easy to get lost in a relationship and caught up in our partner’s pursuits and passions.
It can be emotional, too. Sometimes our identities get so intertwined that the self-care and self-improvement we should be giving ourselves is something we expect from our partner instead.
Author and relationship blogger James Michael Sama says on his website that it’s not a healthy approach to use relationships as a means to find inner happiness or fill an emotional void.
“If the relationship you have with yourself isn’t healthy, the relationship you have with someone else won’t be healthy either,” Sama says.
“If you feel like you’re there to be an emotional cheerleader for your partner [and vice versa], and nothing more, it’s time to stop,” adds Bustle relationship writer Erica Florentine.
3) They Don’t Allow Criticism to Be a Means of Communication
Complaining isn’t as bad as some make it out to be.
Complaining is providing feedback for change and improvement, says Rebecca Lux, MSW, RSW, of Beaches Therapy.
Criticism, on the other hand, is an attack on a person’s character.
“In the heat of the moment, when feelings of anger take over, we forget where the line is,” Lux says.
People who don’t fall into this relationship trap realize that eroding their partner’s self-esteem won’t bring about the change they seek. Instead, it will only trigger an automatic, disorganized flight, fight, or freeze response, she says.
“Your partner will go into self-preservation mode that shuts down empathy and the ability to see your point of view. In no time, the contagion of criticism will spread, and you will be drawn into vicious communication traps with no fruitful results.”
Of course, that doesn’t mean that if you’re unhappy about something, you shouldn’t express it, Lux emphasizes.
[But] first, you need to manage your own emotions,” she advises. “Check yourself and take a break if you see red. Then, take a moment to think about what you need from your partner.”
Because anger often masks feelings of hurt and unmet needs, Lux says naming your feelings can help defuse the intensity of the feelings, allowing you to ask for what you need with a gentle opening.
“You can be direct about your grievances, but don’t make your partner the ‘bad guy,’” she says. “Start your sentences with ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ and try to foster emotional safety in your communication.”
This will reduce any defensiveness and prevent you from falling into this trap.
4) They Fall for “False Logic”
Psychologist Lisa Marie Bobby says that using false logic is the number one trap that long-term relationships fall into.
What does this mean exactly?
It means they’re linking their unhappiness to their partner’s actions.
For example, they might conclude, “If my partner texted me every day from work, I’d feel a lot less anxious.”
Or, “I can’t go anywhere because my partner hates traveling.”
“But these feelings of dissatisfaction or unhappiness may have nothing to do with their partner at all,” says Bobby, who is also the founder of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver, Colorado.
“I see a lot of people using false logic when it comes to their relationships. That the way they feel is because of some external circumstance,” she says.
The problem is, that this can lead to a person demanding that their partner change behaviors when the problem isn’t theirs.
This approach isn’t just unfair to their partner, it’s also ineffective, says Bobby.
Instead of asking your partner to change something about themselves, Bobby suggests asking yourself:
“What is it about [the relationship] that makes me feel apathetic?”
5) They make sure you don’t fall into a “romantic rut”
Maybe in the beginning, you and your partner used to go to concerts at least once a month. Or you made traveling twice a year a priority.
Or maybe music festivals were your thing and when summer came, you would hit the road together like being a fan was a professional thing.
But now, you’re lucky if you can make it to a barbecue or two.
Your young Saturday nights don’t tend to be about eating chips and soda on the couch with Netflix as your only entertainment.
“You know you’re in trouble when you feel stagnant or stuck with your partner,” says Lisa Morse, a clinical psychologist in New York.
“When you’re in a rut, you may feel bored, disconnected, lacking in physical and emotional connection, and even lonely,” she says.
While romantic stalemate is a relationship trap that everyone will experience differently, the common thread is that things don’t feel as romantic, exciting, or new as they once did.
The truth is, the connection isn’t what it used to be.
Here are a few things to keep in mind if you feel like you’re in a romantic stalemate, says Morse:
Take responsibility for your actions. In other words, focus on what you want and how you can achieve it.
Think about ways to improve your relationship. Maybe you can be more spontaneous or more present in the relationship.
Ask your partner about his or her dreams, and come up with a plan and timeline for how to achieve them.
Communicate with your partner about your feelings and identify external stressors. Is it work stress, family stress, or financial stress? You can’t do anything about it together if you don’t talk about it.
Consider spending time together, away from watching TV, in the first place.
Find new things you can do together.
Sure, music festivals may not be your thing anymore, but there should be something that can serve as a bond over your shared passion for music. This could be concerts twice a year, for example, or hosting a small gathering at your house where you play all your favorite songs. Keeping a relationship exciting sometimes requires creativity. Have fun together and take on the challenge.
