When you are dating a narcissist, you should always look out for some red flags and blind spots that will give you hints as to what kind of toxic person they are.
The narcissist easily charms people, especially those who are codependent. Narcissists can be deceitful and attractive. One study showed that her veneers weren’t nearly as permeable until after seven meetings. I’ve had several clients who claimed that the courtship with their narcissistic spouse was wonderful and that the abuse only started after the wedding. However, with more insight, these clients admitted that there were signs they had been overlooked.
blind spots when dating a narcissist
There are unconscious explanations for why you might not spot the narcissist. Here are some reasons why you might not get to know a narcissist:
1) sexual attraction.
The higher the physical attractiveness and sexual intensity, the easier it is to ignore the red flags. Individuals who can see auras confirm that sexual energy muddles mental and emotional energy – why lust is blind.
2) Temptation.
Narcissists are skilled manipulators. Some of them can be seductive and not just sexual. They may be masterful listeners and communicators or draw you in with flattery, self-disclosure, and vulnerability—the opposite of what you might expect from a narcissist.
3) idealism.
Narcissists are often very witty, successful, good-looking, strong, and/or multi-talented. It’s easy to idealize them and you want to share in the benefits of excluding them, especially if you feel inferior.
People with low self-esteem, such as codependents, are more likely to idealize someone they admire. They may be attracted to typical narcissistic traits that they lack, such as strength and boldness. The downside is that idealism causes us to ignore contrary information.
Related: 5 Types of Narcissistic Blame Shifting
4) Familiarity.
If your father is a narcissist, being with a narcissist will feel as familiar as family. This attraction occurs subconsciously and is often referred to as “chemistry”.
With personal therapy, this attraction can change so that you can easily spot someone abusive or self-centered. You may be repulsed rather than attracted to a narcissist.
5) Dependence on others.
If you struggle with low self-esteem or are self-reliant, you may not be aware of your feelings, which can guide you. You may not feel entitled to be respected and to have your needs and desires met. Most codependents tend to accommodate and please others – which is perfectly befitting a narcissist. This predisposition is strongest in early dating when you are trying to make a good impression.
Thus, you may ignore or rationalize feelings of discomfort and anxiety that indicate a problem. If something is bothering you, you won’t talk about it and try to forget it.
Red flags when dating a narcissist
Here are some red flags to look out for. Having certain traits does not mean someone can be diagnosed with NPD — narcissistic personality disorder — but they do not bode well for a fulfilling relationship.
One study found that when narcissists knew the symptoms of NPD, they readily admitted that they were a narcissist when asked. So you can also ask provided they know the traits. The need for admiration, lack of empathy, and grandiosity are key. Look for signs of arrogance and entitlement, too.
1) Self-centeredness.
For narcissists, the world revolves around them. Other people are only two-dimensional, which means that narcissists cannot empathize. They are in their reality and see you as an extension of themselves to fulfill their needs and wants. When you talk to your partner, is he or she interested in getting to know you, or just talking about themselves?
Surprisingly, some people do this, as if their listener is not there. This is a sign that you will feel invisible in the relationship. If you feel invisible in your family, you may take this for granted. You may feel validated by the attention you give as a good listener. Beware that this pattern may continue.
As mentioned above, some narcissists are skilled communicators and will appear infatuated with you, even mirroring your interests to make you like them. She may be good at short-term intimacy and make you feel like a king or queen; But in the end, they don’t continue in this business. You will discover that their motive is to get what they want; For example, sex, but they are not interested in learning more about you, your family, your problems, or your successes.
Be aware of other signs of a lack of interest: walking too far ahead of you, having you track them down to get a phone call, arriving late, ignoring your boundaries and needs, or interrupting conversations to take calls from other people.
2) Arrogance.
Narcissists feel superior to others, and can be rude or abusive when they don’t get what they want. This is evident in their behavior and how they talk about themselves and others. Is your date a fault-finder who criticizes or blames others, the opposite sex, or an ex? One day he or she may be hitting on you.
When you get out, notice how he treats the waitresses, car-hoppers, and salesmen. Does he or she show others respect, or act better than certain other groups, such as minorities, immigrants, or people with fewer resources or education?
Narcissists like to be associated with high-profile people and institutions. They think they are the best and they want to surround themselves with the best. This is due to insecurity.
Does your date think only his school is the best, require the best car, the best table at the best restaurant, the best wine, wear expensive labels, or drop generic names they know? This may impress you, but it will frustrate you later when you feel ignored or like a prop in their lives.
Related: The 7 Deadly Sins Of Narcissism
3) Merit.
This attribute is a gift. It reveals how narcissists believe they are the center of the universe. They not only believe that they are special and superior to others, but also that they deserve special treatment and that the rules do not apply to them. Does your date refuse to turn off their cell phone at the movies, expect others to do favors, cut lines, steal items like cutlery, airline blankets, or hotel ashtrays, insist on special treatment from the parking attendant, or The restaurateur d ‘, or a waiter?
If you were a woman, would he expect you to drive to his neighborhood? A relationship with this person will be a one-sided pain, not a two-way street. Narcissists are only interested in getting what they want and making the relationship work for them.
4) Bragging and the need to be admired.
Although narcissists want to believe they are the best and the best, they are insecure. Hence, they need constant validation, appreciation, and recognition. They seek this by showing off themselves and their accomplishments. They may even lie or exaggerate. People who brag are trying to convince themselves and you of their greatness.
5) Control and manipulation.
Narcissists put their needs first. They may manipulate you with flattery, belittling, or threats. Their lack of empathy may show when planning a date. It can be difficult to negotiate a time and place on their terms, especially if they feel you are interested in them.
At first, they may want to please you to win you over, but once they achieve their “catch”, they will want to please themselves. It is the chase, not the catch, that motivates them. Once they win, they can lose interest, and move on to the next conquest before it gets too emotional. If not, they won’t be emotionally available and will keep you at a distance, because they’re afraid if you get too close, you won’t like what you see.
some advice
Listen to what your dates have to say about themselves and past relationships. Do they take responsibility or blame others? Pay attention if they admit to serious shortcomings, commitment issues, infidelity, criminality, addiction, or abuse. Just as important, notice if you feel anxious, uncomfortable, pressured, controlled, ignored, or belittled.
Learn about narcissistic relationships, why narcissists are codependent, and why they are drawn to codependency and vice versa. In recovery from codependency, you will build your self-esteem, your self-esteem will rise, and you will expect to be considered, listened to, and treated well. You will communicate expectations of respect by maintaining healthy boundaries, and by being firm about your opinions, feelings, needs, and desires.
