Whether we like it or not, we choose the partners we get involved with (except for people in arranged or forced relationships/marriages). Sometimes, we find ourselves drawn to the same type of person, over and over again. If you consistently find yourself with a narcissistic partner, you may wonder why you continue to attract this type of person into your life.
There are no coincidences. Getting into a relationship with a narcissist once may have happened on the basis that you found them attractive and charming – especially if they are a grandiose narcissist. We can all be fooled by someone manipulative and charismatic. But if you consistently find yourself in relationships with narcissists, it means that something else is going on. It is not a coincidence. Something inside you is driving this behavior. It may be that you are repeating patterns from your past or looking for a need – however self-destructive – to be met. If you always end up at the same point, there is something inside you that is taking you to that point over and over again.
I was narcissistically abused as a child. Many people who attract narcissistic partners as adults were subjected to narcissistic abuse as children. When our parents or guardians teach us that all is well in the world, our ideas about ourselves and others are based on that knowledge. If your narcissistic parent taught you through their words, actions, and values that you needed to act a certain way to earn their love and attention and taught you that you were worthy of ridicule and manipulation, it’s entirely understandable that you would choose a partner who reinforces what you’ve learned to be “true.”
You have low self-esteem. If your self-esteem has been damaged—whether by your upbringing, past relationships, or other events that have happened to you—you may be attracted to a narcissist who continually belittles your opinions and engages in other behaviors that signal to you that you’re not good enough as you are. Low self-esteem can also take you to a place where you’re happy to have a partner who—on the surface at least—seems to be more confident than you are and who can involve you in experiences you couldn’t imagine having on your own.
Related : Why Codependents Attract Narcissists
You have codependent tendencies. Do you derive your sense of identity from the care of others? If you are a people pleaser who loves to be indispensable and is happy to allow your partner to engage in a range of abusive or unacceptable behaviors, you may find that not only are you attracted to narcissists, but they are attracted to you. People with narcissistic tendencies will be able to identify partners who will allow them to control, act inappropriately, and be the center of attention. If you can admire a narcissist while completely ignoring your own needs, they will see you as their ideal partner.
You are naive. Narcissists use a range of emotionally manipulative behaviors in their relationships. If you are not this type of person and are more naive by nature, you may simply be drawn to relationships with narcissists because you cannot recognize what they are doing in the early stages. For example, people with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), who have difficulty understanding the motivations behind manipulation, may be attracted to narcissists because they cannot read between the lines of relationship motivations.
If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to narcissists, and especially if you are experiencing emotional abuse within these relationships, you should seek help in identifying your relationship patterns and taking control of changing these patterns.
