Holding on to a toxic relationship, rather than letting it go, is more often than not the norm. The force it takes to walk away from any relationship, let alone a toxic one, is immense, and the fear of the pain we might feel, is even worse.

If you want to find the strength to stop holding onto a toxic relationship, it’s important to understand why we hold on—what motivates us not to let go of something that only makes us miserable.

To help you understand, here are 5 reasons why you’re stuck in a toxic relationship and ways to undo the reasons so you can move on.

Here are 5 reasons why you might be stuck in a toxic relationship

Fear of loneliness.
It is a human condition to want to be a spouse. To have someone to share their life and experiences with. That’s the point.

Unfortunately, for many of us, we are too willing to accept “good enough” when it comes to finding the other half of our duo. We believe that if we leave the bird in our hands, we will never find another to love. The prospect of putting ourselves out there again until we can find that person is very daunting.

Therefore, we stick to what we have now. No matter how bad it is for us.

Let me tell you, from decades of personal and professional experience, there’s always someone else out there for us. We may not find them right away but we never will if we stay in the relationship we are in.

So, if you are still in your toxic relationship because you think that if you leave, you will always be alone, let me tell you that you won’t! There is someone out there for you, someone who will be your perfect half, who will make you whole.

Low self-esteem.
I cannot tell you how many of my clients who are in toxic relationships have extremely low self-esteem.

They don’t think they deserve good love, and if they do, they have no idea how to go out and find it.

Unfortunately, the result of toxic relationships can be low self-esteem. We are unhappy, isolated from our friends, belittle any perceived shortcomings, and know, deep down, that we are not being treated well.

And if we don’t feel good about ourselves, we attract men who don’t feel good about us either.

For me, part of letting go of my toxic love was focusing on my work. I was able to redirect the pain of giving up on the relationship into something that made me feel really good about myself. And feeling good about myself allowed me to let him go and find someone who would see how great I am.

Patterns and habits.
I cannot overemphasize enough the magnitude of the role patterns play in our lives.

Think about your daily routines and patterns and how you feel comfortable on those days when your routine is broken. Like you always have breakfast before you walk out the door and one day you just can’t and how you don’t feel like yourself for the rest of the day.

Now imagine this in a relationship. When a relationship is new and good, we establish patterns and routines with our partners. These patterns and routines are entrenched in our lives. It can be almost impossible to break.

Do you imagine what Christmas would be like without your partner? Or wondering who you’ll go to the movies with on Wednesday? These are the patterns that keep us living with our toxic love. We don’t want to give them away, we can’t imagine life without them, and it keeps us trapped.

Interestingly, even breaking up and getting back together becomes routine. With my toxic relationship, I was going to break up with him, and after 8 weeks, like clockwork, he was reaching out to me and before I knew it, I was back where I started. I can’t tell you how many times that happened.

I’ve since learned that if you can get past the 8-week mark, you can break a pattern. And I can promise you that you’ll find someone else to go to the movies with on Wednesday. I did.

Self-blame.
One of the most insidious things about toxic love is that after a while, we start blaming ourselves for everything that goes wrong.

I have a client whose husband had an affair with one of their employees. For three years my client asked her husband to fire that woman and for three years he promised and did not. She is beside herself and rightfully so.

The thing is, her husband did an amazing job of making her feel like their issues were her fault. He says if she leaves this matter, they will be happy. That she has no sympathy for this other woman’s children – what would they do if their mother had no income? Because of his accusations, she questions her mental health some days.

Do you blame yourself for why your relationship is toxic? Do you think if you could be a little nicer or give him more attention or just have sex with him when he wants you everything would be fine?

If the answer is yes, then stop. Your person is making your life difficult, and while you may be playing a part in the situation, I can promise you that it’s not entirely your fault.

You are soulmates.
Do you think that the relationship you share with your person is unlike any other? That the intense passion and connection you share can’t be compared to anyone else’s and that it would be a waste to leave him?

Let me tell you, everyone feels this way about their relationship. I hate to burst your bubble, but while your love for this person may be strong, it is not the ultimate love in the world, and giving them up will not be the end of your love for you.

If you can let go of your toxic love, you are more likely to find a connection that is real, wonderful, and magical.

I did.

Holding on to a toxic relationship often happens because we fear the pain we would feel if we left it.

But letting go of toxic love is very important for a happy life. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life living with someone who makes your life more miserable than they make you happy?

Would you be happy if the rest of your life was the same as your life today?

I know that for me, finally getting out of my toxic relationship has given me the time, strength, and focus to build my work and self-worth. It made me understand that I could break patterns and not only survive but thrive. I knew I was okay with being alone and that while our love was special, there really is another, better love in this world.

Here are 5 reasons why you might be stuck in a toxic relationship

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