When you keep your relationship private , it doesn’t mean you never talk about it or share what’s going on in your love life.
This does not mean that you have to bottle anything in any.
Keeping your relationship private you should never feel like you are depriving yourself of a portion of the joy of being in a relationship. However, you should make sure that your definition of relational joy is more about your relationship and less about pleasing/exciting/dazzling others. If it’s a little more External, you’ll steal your relationship from the intimacy you complain about (and question its value).
External validation used to dictate the success of my relationships. Keeping my relationship private was out of the question. I would like to prioritize the opinions of friends and family over my mental and relational health.
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When I was a child, it was ingrained in my head, both at school and at home, that I had/had nothing without the consent of others. I ended up becoming very superficially dependent, happy-go-lucky and insecure young adults whose only source of validation came from the outside. I always felt that I had something to prove because I never learned that true verification can only come from within.
There was no way I could keep my relationship private. I was so desperate to make it known that I was good / sexy / smart / attractive enough to land whatever guy I was with. (No matter how narcissistic he was, I would bust).
The goal was to either make everyone jealous because they had never had a great happy relationship like mine or put them in a state of crippling regret for blowing it up with me and hopefully, make them all feel inadequate and lonely like I did deep down.
And she did it in embarrassing ways. I will do this while posting quotes about gratitude, self-love and not comparing yourself to others. I was an ambivalent, self-sabotaging, compulsive liar whose desire to prove everyone wrong and be one of the cool kids, outweighed the self-love that I had no idea how to turn on.
None of these relationships ever worked out.
As I got older and matured, I calmed down a bit. There were relationships in which I felt really happy, I just wanted everyone to know. What’s wrong with that? I was able to keep my relationships private in ways I had never been able to do before but most of the time, there was some new controversy or drama that I needed to be managed by everyone I knew and get their advice on it. I had a terrible tendency to overtake.
If your emotional core is not solid and your boundaries are not intact, your relationships will be able to feel solid (falsely) only if they are isolated by applause, attention (social media) and validation from everyone other than you and your partner.
A little over ten years ago, I met a guy who was everything my triggers weren’t attracted to.
This included being very private.
He never wanted me to be anything other than happy-even if he wasn’t with him. Over the years, he watched me fall on my face and sabotage myself as I broke my heart and got it broken, over and over again. He’s older than me and when I first met him, he was in his late twenties but even then, he was always a very special guy.
I was too young and immature.
As much as he claimed to want it, I wasn’t attracted to how confident and comfortable he was in his skin.
I wasn’t attracted to the fact that he was completely available, without an agenda, and I didn’t feel like he had anything to prove to anyone. He was not in control of others or triangulation. There was no game playing and he did not get down to setting conditions about basic human kindness and decency.
I didn’t have to work or compete for his attention, honesty, kindness, availability, and respect. He not only taught me the value of a more private life but encouraged me to share and start this blog. As paradoxical as it sounds, I began to realize that being a more private person has absolutely nothing to do with withholding information or confidentiality. This is what inspired my post on the special life of being a happy one.
We remained friends over the years and whenever I was with him, I never felt the need to advertise or post about it. Part of this was because he was a special guy but also, I simply didn’t feel the need to advertise as I usually do. At first, I saw this as a red flag. Not because it was an actual red flag but because I was used to making sure I had to prove myself/brag more than I was comfortable with just being around.
We started dating and for once, I was too busy enjoying myself and our relationship to even think about keeping everyone up to date with every little detail. I love him more than I will be able to express, so I stopped trying it. I let go of my happiness and concern for others (instead of feeling that I should continue to talk about myself).
I share a lot here on the blog about my life, my past, my trauma, insecurities, fears, failures, and experiences. But as far as my current life’s love goes it’s the one thing that I bring closest to my heart and keep more private than anything else.
This is not to say that I would never post a photo with him, not share anything about my relationship with you guys, or that I deny that I am in a relationship when asked. This does not mean that I do not share anything with anyone. Just as there is a difference between confidence and vanity, there is a big difference between being private and being secretive.
Specificity is a relational immunostimulant enhancer. Secrecy is a cancer.
Everyone is different. I know people who have one social media account for them as a couple (I can never do that but for them, it works). My friends post their relationships daily on social media and she works with them. I love seeing updates and couples that I like/care about love life and each other. Keeping your relationship private is a personal decision that should be mutual. But no matter what you and your partner share or not, the only important thing is that both of you sincerely appreciate each other more than the opinions of others.
Viewing your relationship is like adding salt to a meal. You can always add more but it is impossible to undo once you share the private details and put your relationship there. You may regret over-sharing and letting people into the inner workings of your relationship, but you will never regret protecting your peace. Remember, you can always add salt. And salt is more effective when used in moderation.
She has trained thousands of people from all over the world. She has trained celebrities, billionaires, psychologists, students, professional athletes, and stay-at-home moms/dads-you name it. And none of them regretted keeping their relationship private.
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Sometimes, less really is more. Of course, things come up and we talk to our friends but you should always do this with the return of your partner. We get aroused and want to tell our friends everything. We want them to tell us that we are not crazy and that our partner was wrong (but he still loves us).
Even if you tell your friends all the details, no one knows what’s going on behind closed doors. When you run to your friends and family every time there is a problem, the slope becomes very slippery and unhealthy. More often than not, disagreements and arguments will be forgotten but not as easily for people who dropped everything to be there for you. These people are invested and then they become more protective over you (and in some cases, they already feel lonely, because of your love life, and bitterness).
Bottom line: the less you participate, the less nonsense * t you deal with.
In a world of constant distractions, it is difficult to find and maintain a healthy relationship. So, why are you opening the door to more drama and distraction? Especially if you are the one who controls this door.
When you maintain your relationship, you close it to the superficial and open it to the kind of great benefits that can only grow between two people.
Your relationship is not the work of anyone but you and your partner. Keep some mystery. Be a class act and stay on your white horse.
If there’s anything I’ve learned while growing up and dating as a millennial, it’s this:
Less people know…
Less f * * * ing pussy I give
For more peace, I feel
The more intimacy I experience, the happier I become.Five reasons to keep your relationship private:
Your relationship will be yours. Not your parents, your boyfriend, his sister, her mother, his ex-wife, your aunt, and your co-worker. And no one can take that away from you.
You will have the kind of real connection with your partner that most people have to use social media to portray. This is the real definition of a " power couple.”
The breakup is much cleaner and less dramatic.
There is less pressure on the relationship and therefore, more of an opportunity to communicate.
You get a chance to solidify your relationship before it is demolished.And the most beautiful thing about all this?…
