If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve likely experienced a range of unpleasant emotions as a result. Most of my clients who have experienced narcissistic abuse have tried to distance themselves from their abuser, but are repeatedly drawn back into the narcissist’s orbit. Narcissists need people to reflect to them how great, wronged, or misunderstood they are. They want to control people and inflict hurt and pain. Narcissists thrive on drama and having people sacrifice them or portray them as oppressors. No matter how low a narcissist is in your life, if you’re meeting their needs in some way, they want you gone. Because they’re highly skilled at manipulation, they’ll do anything they can to get you back, including manipulating a vacuum cleaner. The term “narcissistic vacuuming” refers to the narcissist’s attempts to get you back into their life—often after a period of distance from you. Especially if this is a new behavior for you, the narcissist may wait a little while to see if you are serious about creating this distance. If it turns out you are, they will turn on the vacuum.

Tugging on the Heartstrings

When it comes to vacuuming, narcissists will take full advantage of your emotions. They will tell you how much they love and miss you, what a wonderful relationship they had with you, and that they can’t live without you. They may play the victim who needs you to step in and save them. In short, they will emotionally manipulate you on a deep level. You may have been involved in an unequal relationship with the narcissist in the past and feel like you are being pulled back into a familiar role.

Using a Random Excuse to Contact

Tonya told me, “My sister and I hadn’t been in touch for years, after a big fight. Then she randomly called me at 7 a.m. one morning to tell me that one of my cousins ​​had died. While I felt bad for him, I hadn’t seen him since I was 10. More significant things had happened over the years, including my mother being hospitalized while my sister was there. She didn’t make a phone call about these events. I felt it was very manipulative.” Narcissists may take full advantage of potential emotional situations to lure you back

TheyMakeYouFeelBad

Mark told me that his father tried to manipulate him by telling him how much trouble he was causing and that the only way to resolve the situation was to return to the family. “My father told me how much I was bothering my mother – my father and I had a falling out over his abusive behavior toward my mother. I was blamed for the entire family’s breakdown and the only solution suggested was to reconnect with my narcissistic father. I made it clear that I wanted no further contact with my family and yet here I was, feeling like I had to go back to him to sort out this mess.”

TheyMakeYouFool

While you may find yourself on the receiving end of gifts, compliments, and declarations of undying love, you may also be engaging in manipulative behavior. The narcissist may be contacting you with the intent of destroying your self-esteem and making you question your version of events. They blatantly lie, distort the facts, and convince you that you are a terrible person and that your perspective is skewed. You may feel grateful that they want to have anything to do with you.

TheyConvinceYouThey’veChange

“My ex sent me a long text saying she’s worked on herself and changed. She begged me to come back and promised that things would be different. They weren’t. Within two weeks she started acting in the same old abusive ways,” Danielle told me. Narcissists don’t hold back when it comes to lying and will convince you of anything if it gets them what they want.

The goal of harassment is to get you back. The narcissist will know your weaknesses and whether bullying, begging, or playing the victim is the most effective way to lure you in. You may find yourself in a harassment situation more than once. For some people, even once is enough to drag them into a dangerous place, for example, where domestic violence is involved. If you need help in permanently separating yourself from a narcissist, please seek out the support you need.