“Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it, I just want you back forever (I want you back, I want you back, I want you back forever). Whenever I mess up. Just tell me the song and I’ll sing it.”
When Gary Barlow wrote these lyrics for “Take That,” he wasn’t thinking about narcissists, but about love and broken relationships. Being in love with a narcissist is never a comfortable place to be.
And for those, especially women, who have been in a relationship with a narcissist and are now done, they will know how hard it is to leave for good.
A narcissist will never understand why you chose to leave and will have many reasons why you shouldn’t and they won’t give up without a fight. So, if you’ve just broken up with a narcissist, here’s some friendly advice.
- They’re simply the best, better than everyone else
Narcissists have a huge ego and an inflated sense of self-importance. In their humble opinion, they are the best people you’ll ever meet and they will tell you so out loud before, during and after your relationship with them.
They also brag or lie about their achievements. Like the guy who tried to scam my college friend who claimed to work for MI6!
The trick is for a potential lover to spot the deception and threats before they get involved, but if they don’t and want to leave:
Be wary of grandiose gestures like expensive gifts to try to win you back.
Often they will rely on the fact that they underestimated you during the relationship and you’ll feel like you’re not ready to start over.
Start by taking an inventory of your skills, abilities and qualities – you’re better than you think.
- All by myself (I don’t want to be…)
Remember that narcissists are master manipulators and if grand gestures fail, they’ll likely try to elicit sympathy from you.
Related : Understanding and Handling the 4 Types of Narcissism
They will try to remind you how much you need them and that they are nothing without you.
Or they may try to convince you that you don’t want to be alone either. Remember:
Avoid trying to be a savior. Many women fall into this trap believing that they can save or heal their man if they love him enough.
A wise man once said, “A woman cannot change a man because she loves him; a man changes because he loves her.” All evidence suggests that narcissists rarely want to change because they can’t see who they are.
After living in the shadow of a narcissist, you may have become isolated and lonely.
Make a deal with yourself. Give them a month to find new friends and renew old ones. Without them to undermine you, you will be fine.
- Paper Roses
Like the song, their love for you is just a replica, an imitation of the real thing.
The narcissist loves themselves first and foremost. You were there as a sideshow to the main event.
If you’re lucky, you were an accessory or a prize to add to their status.
It may hurt right after a breakup, but paper roses aren’t as pretty and authentic as the real thing. So what can you do to avoid fake love next time?
Look at the happiest couples you know—perhaps older members of your circle or family—try to figure out what makes them happy and find something of the same for yourself.
Don’t rush into a new relationship too quickly. Remember, when we’ve lost love and are hurt, we may be looking for a reminder.
Loving a narcissist exposes a person to psychological abuse. People who are abused in a relationship often choose to be in an abusive relationship again. Try not to fall into this trap.
- Winner Takes All
“Hell hath no fury like a lover scorned.” Narcissists can be aggressive enemies and are more than willing to fight for what they see as their material rights—whether it’s their business, their home, their children, or their lovers.
To them, you are just another possession to be counted among the rest.
If they can’t have you, they won’t want you to go to someone else. Likewise, they will fight you for control of anything you own that they think they should have.
This includes children because they are ultimately another thing to brag about and their success is a vicarious ego boost.
If you haven’t already left them, create a war chest—a secret account or stash of things that will sustain you when having them deprives you of resources.
If you have children, maintain high morals and don’t try to buy them off or use them as weapons. Children generally see through manipulation. You won’t lose their love easily.
Don’t be tempted to give up your rights for a quick getaway. You may have given up your job, your independence, and raising your children. You are a person in your own right who has equal value. Keep the focus on that.
- I will never give you up
Along with their material rights, there is a perversion of narcissistic sexuality, often called the reaction.
Reaction means increasing focus and attention on something because it is not available to them. Forbidden fruit becomes more attractive because it is forbidden.
Related : Recognize The Signs of a Narcissistic Mother in Law!
By leaving, you may become more vulnerable to desire and focus. Narcissists react to such rules by breaking them—or becoming aggressive toward the person who is denying them.
If this happens to you, you need to be vigilant. The narcissist may stalk you or, if there are children involved, try to take them away. In rare cases, they may kill or harm the family in an attempt to regain control.
While the overall tone of this piece is lighter than some others on this site, it is important to recognize if you are being stalked, aggressive, or in any kind of danger and act accordingly.
Get help, talk to friends, and don’t hesitate to contact the authorities. Most states have strict laws against stalking and harassment.
Use them if you must, but don’t become a victim. A narcissist cannot avoid being a narcissist, but their rights are no greater than yours.
