the main points:

Narcissists ultimately devalue their partner, no matter how wonderful the partner is.
It is difficult for people with NPD to move from a self-centered view of life to a couple-centered view.
A romantic relationship with a partner with narcissistic personality disorder is likely to become stressful and debilitating.
I am often asked whether it is possible to have a long-term romantic relationship with a narcissist or whether it is possible to have a happy marriage when your partner has untreated narcissistic personality disorder. Unfortunately, the answer to both questions is “no”. While many people with narcissistic personality disorder are very charming and persuasive when they flirt with you, they lack the emotional maturity and skills to make a real relationship work. Once you get past the courtship stage and you’re new to them, they’ll start treating you badly.

How bad are they treating you? What will they do?

In general, narcissists use the same relationship behaviors with all of their colleagues. If you listen closely to the way they talk about their ex, why they broke up, who is to blame, and what they did in response, you’ll get a fairly reliable preview of how they’ll act with you once the bloom is over. rose. This means that if they have a history of violence, harassment, infidelity, acrimonious and prolonged divorce, or other unpleasant relationship behaviors, this is most likely what you can expect from them in the end.

Also, please listen to the way they talk about other people in general. If they have very few real friends and tend to underestimate almost everyone, including the bartender, it will be your turn after all.

Note: I am using the terms narcissistic, narcissistic, and NPD as shorthand to refer to someone who qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

Read also 24 Signs You’re Dealing With A Covert Narcissist

5 Things you need to know before entering a relationship with a narcissist

If I had just five things to tell you about having a long-term intimate relationship with a partner with narcissistic personality disorder, they would be:

1. After the courtship ends, your narcissistic mate will begin to insult and devalue you, no matter how much he claims to love you.
2. You will be blamed for many things that are not your fault.
3. Your narcissistic mate will get into serious fights over really trivial matters — like how you load the dishwasher.
4. If you don’t have firm boundaries and your strategy is to keep giving in to avoid fights, things will only get worse.
5. Your love and compassion will make no difference. This is not a condition that love can cure.

“I” versus “we” relationships
One of the problems with a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder is that narcissists are all about themselves. They are only capable of what I call “my relationships”. In an “I” relationship, people only see events in terms of “How does this affect me? Am I getting what I want?” In an “we” relationship, there is a transition from “I” to “we.”

Read also 10 Examples Of Manipulation In Relationships

In We Relationships, both partners see each other as equals, and both expect to be treated in a fair and respectful manner. In a successful “us relationship,” both partners are willing to sacrifice some of what they individually want in order to support their partner’s happiness. As a result, there are few, if any, power struggles and attempts to control the other person.

Unfortunately, the majority of narcissists are unable to move from their usual “relationship” to an “us” relationship. No matter how smart they are in other areas of their lives, they are curiously unable to understand the impact of their selfish behavior on the long-term health of their intimate relationships.

I-you versus me-you relationships
Philosopher Martin Buber (1878-1965) published a highly influential essay in German, Ich und Du (1923), which has been republished in English several times under the title I and Thou, and which aptly captures the essence of narcissistic relationships as. Popper does not write specifically about narcissism. However, I have found his work to be most useful when considering what is really going on beneath the surface of relationships where one partner has untreated narcissistic personality disorder.

Popper distinguishes between “I-Thou” relationships, in which each member sees the other as an equal partner in creating what happens between them, and “I-It” relationships in which one person controls and the other person is treated like the object being acted upon (“it”) ). There are normal, non-narcissistic “I-It” relationships. In these, the I-It structure aims to benefit the person who is the object of the other person’s attention.

An example of a healthy “I-It” relationship is the relationship between a medical professional and a sick patient. The built in inequality is in favor of the patient. The doctor is supposed to be more knowledgeable and expected to take the lead, ask helpful questions, listen carefully, and suggest treatments. The patient has a more passive role in the interaction, except when they have questions they would like answered or provide feedback on how the treatment has affected them.

In a narcissistic “I-It” relationship, narcissists try to maintain control over their partner and anticipate and desire their needs to take priority over their partner’s needs.

Read also How To Leave A Narcissist: 6 Powerful Hacks

Narcissists unfairly blame their partners

Not only will you find yourself in the “it” situation in a relationship with a narcissist, but your narcissistic partner will also try to convince you that you are to blame for everything that goes wrong. They will claim that you are flawed and justified in undervaluing you and ignoring your opinions. No matter how well they make their case and how much you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, what really happens is that you are emotionally abused and unfairly blamed.

Narcissists are not willing to apologize or take responsibility for their mistakes for reasons that have nothing to do with you in reality. The real reasons for their behavior stem from their turmoil and the events of their childhood. Your actions may anger them, but you are not the reason. The damage happened long before I met you.

Learn to ignore justifications for their abusive behavior

You will be told silly and insulting things about yourself all intended to support their opinions and the right to devalue you. If they are mad at you, they will try to make you feel stupid. If you don’t agree with them, they will try to make you feel stupid and wrong. Don’t pay attention.

I’ll say it again: it’s not about you at all. They will eventually say these things even if you have three PhDs, are incredibly attractive, and just won a Nobel Prize.