Key Points
People high in narcissism tend to need their needs met by others.
“Being yourself” may conflict with the narcissist’s needs.
It is possible to learn how to be yourself again, but doing so may lead to alienation or aggression from the narcissist.
If you were unlucky enough to be raised by someone high in narcissism, or you have formed a close relationship with someone high in these traits, you may realize that the one thing they don’t want you to be is… you. If your parent was high in narcissism, you may have a very vague idea of who you are in the first place, given the degree to which your parent shaped you and your understanding of who you are.
Narcissists tend to be unusually needy people. They often measure their actions by the response of others and are very much looking for external validation. Anyone in a close relationship with a narcissist may be drawn to having their needs met. These needs include feeling wanted and valued above all others, being in control, feeling superior, and perhaps even supporting the narcissist in his or her passive-aggressive behaviors.
Most importantly, when it comes to the relationship with the narcissist in your life, he or she will likely want you to be what he or she wants and needs. “Being yourself” is incompatible with that, usually for the following reasons.
- You know who you are.
Being yourself suggests that you know where you stop and where the narcissist begins. You have an awareness of the existence of a “you.” Many people—especially those raised by narcissists—have a very weak sense of themselves as independent beings. When you have a clear sense of “you,” you will be able to establish boundaries between you and the narcissist. You will have a sense of what you like, what you dislike, and what your values are. It is difficult for a narcissist to control someone who knows who they are, what they like, and who sees themselves as separate from the narcissist in the way they need to.
- You act as you want.
“Being yourself” suggests that you act in a way that you feel is appropriate for your personality. People high in narcissism tend to want people to mirror them and act in ways that meet their needs. If you act in a perfectly reasonable way, that meets your needs rather than the narcissist’s, you may be seen as a threat to them—or at the very least, you may be less useful than if you could not be yourself.
- You don’t fit the role.
Narcissists tend to benefit from assigning people “roles.” This is perhaps most evident in families where parents assign roles to children—roles that may include “golden child,” “scapegoat,” “surrogate parent,” or “enabler.” There is often great pressure to fulfill these roles—and if you choose to “be yourself” in a way that goes beyond the role you are assigned, you are likely to be less helpful to the narcissist.
- You challenge the narcissist’s narrative.
Narcissists often try to construct a world in which they are special and superior. They may invent stories in which they appear to be wonderful (and special) parents, partners, or friends. They may use manipulation techniques to tell stories about the past and present that may have no basis in reality. If “being yourself” means challenging their narratives, you risk shattering the very narratives that maintain their superiority.
- You are empowered.
Narcissists tend to need people around them who can be easily manipulated. They undermine people with emotionally abusive tactics, and they attract people who may already have a weaker sense of self (sometimes due to their upbringing). When you stand up for who you are, you’re likely not meeting the narcissist’s needs the way they want you to.
How to Deal with the Aftermath
You may be questioning who you are. Maybe you feel that at some point in your life, you had a stronger sense of self and you want to rediscover it. Maybe you’ve suffered the consequences of being yourself and becoming disconnected from the narcissist in your life, or you’ve been on the receiving end of aggressive behavior.
No matter how long you’ve been identified with the narcissist, you can work on becoming yourself and experiencing life as an independent person. You have the right to be yourself—no matter what you’ve been told. Even if they’re not clearly defined, you have rights and values that make you unique and that may conflict with the rights and values of the narcissist you’re dealing with. No matter how much the narcissist tries to convince you that their needs take precedence over yours, that’s not true.
