The attraction between people is such a mystery. It involves a combination of factors such as biochemistry, culture, senses, thought, and timing. If I had to put it all in one word, I would choose “familiarity.”

We gravitate toward what feels familiar. As they say, we are drawn to what we are.

We’re not big fans of this concept, especially when we’re dealing with people who display traits we don’t like.

We struggle to change them, and at the same time, we may exhibit similar traits. However, we suppress them, or they appear in different ways.

When we find ourselves in a relationship with a difficult person, we often ask ourselves: “Why me? How did things get here? Is it my fault?” The big question is: “What do I do now?”

If this resonates with you, don’t torture yourself. Don’t feel ashamed, remorseful, or guilty. Just learn from it and let these lessons guide your actions. Nothing in life happens randomly. Every experience we have is part of our journey and is presented as an opportunity for growth.

Once we get emotionally attached, we end up on a path of destruction.

Maintaining a relationship with someone with a personality disorder can be very difficult and leave you markedly emotionally traumatized. This can damage your self-esteem and even your health, not to mention other potential consequences such as violence and addiction.

Let’s first understand some personality disorders. There are about 10 types, but the goal here is not to get technical information or give you a lecture on the topic. The goal is to provide simple tips to help you evaluate your situation and move on to effective solutions.

People with personality disorders are very rigid in their thinking. They are extremely self-absorbed, display disproportionately selfish behaviors, and have a poor capacity for introspection and empathy. They tend to approach life in a very strategic way, which means that they have a set of ideas, beliefs, and rules that they follow regarding how they see themselves and others.

For this reason, a constant power struggle is present in the relationship. They are driven by a desire to deceive, manipulate, and achieve their goals at all costs. They feel very strongly about their beliefs, and they fiercely defend these beliefs because they are part of a self-protection system.

A marked lack of trust in others is prevalent in this group. This element places a significant barrier to communication and intimacy, which are essential elements of a successful relationship. The most common types are narcissistic, borderline, dependent, and antisocial personality disorders.

Before going into more detail, let me clarify that age is an important factor. An individual’s personality is not fully formed until approximately age 25. Patterns begin to appear in adolescence. The stronger the traits and the older they are, the fewer opportunities for transformation and growth.

Here are five signs that you (or someone you love) has a personality disorder:

You often feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

Since the beginning of the relationship, I have noticed strange and intense reactions for no good reason. They may suddenly become very angry, explosive, or jealous. Sometimes, they may impose long periods of silence on you to punish you, make you feel guilty, and seize power in the relationship.

You can try different strategies to calm them down, only to see the situation escalate. Sometimes, you may find yourself apologizing for no reason just to resolve a disagreement and restore harmony. The “making up” moment can be so intense and enjoyable that you hope it never happens again.

Over time, you run out of strategies, and you just learn to dance according to the person’s mood. You become hypervigilant and concerned about their moods and situations, and your only goal is to avoid conflict.

In the process, you lose yourself. You forge your identity at the expense of accumulating a lot of resentment toward yourself and your partner.

Related: Codependency, Don’t Dance!

You have feelings of self-doubt.

People with personality disorders are very persuasive. They feel so right about their perception that you find yourself sympathizing with them and questioning your own opinions. This feature makes you more accepting of guilt and increases your apologetic style after every disagreement.

You may find yourself spending long hours mentally chatting, scrutinizing your actions and behaviors, only to finally agree with your partner that you triggered the situation. I have become dependent on others.

You feel isolated

You want to save this relationship. After all, you are emotionally attached and have already invested a lot of time into it, regardless of the advice of family and friends. Moreover, it may have caused some unpleasant moments and even conflict and alienation from some valuable people in your life.

You want to prove everyone wrong, and you start living the fantasy that you can fix it. You keep coming back to those special moments, passion, connection, and all the things you and your partner have in common. As a result, you start avoiding people and social gatherings. You even create a fantasy of the perfect relationship, and begin to portray it by lying to yourself, your coworkers, and your family. In the end, in your heart, you know the truth that makes you sad and depressed.

The idea of asking anyone for help takes you away from reality because of the shame you already feel. Additionally, because of the control factor in these relationships, you may have given up hobbies, personal interests, or professional goals you once had, which increases isolation and resentment.

You feel hopeless.

You feel stuck in a rut, and you don’t have the strength to leave or figure out how to fix it. You have difficulty seeing a future in this relationship. One minute you’re inside, but the next, you’re outside. It is unpredictable and uncertain. You feel afraid most of the time.

When things are good, you know they could go wrong at any moment. You walk around with this uncomfortable knot in your stomach. You have trouble even making vacation plans or social commitments because you don’t know whether or not you will get together when the time comes. Plans can be ruined even at the last minute.

Emotional and physical symptoms begin to appear.

Eventually, the constant state of anxiety and fear of abandonment becomes chronic. The daily practice of emotional suppression and vigilance develops into symptoms of anxiety. You may experience tension headaches, digestive problems, high blood pressure, difficulty sleeping, and racing thoughts.

As a result, you may eat the wrong foods, drink excessively, or use drugs, including tranquilizers, to reduce anxiety. Due to chronic stress, your immune system may weaken, and you may start getting sick more often.

Now you’ve come to terms with the fact that your partner has a personality disorder, what’s the next step?

Seek professional help or join a support group.

Recognition is the first step and a huge relief. Once you publish it, it is no longer a secret, but rather the first push in moving forward. Additionally, introspection work will help you explore the level of vulnerability, trauma, and personality traits that led you to ignore initial red flags and continue pursuing the relationship regardless. This will help you heal and prepare you for future relationships.

Talk to a close friend or family member you trust.

Do not feel shy. Your friends will likely feel relieved and suggest ways to help you emotionally and in other areas, you may need.

Take small steps for self-care while in a relationship.

Get back in the gym or your favorite sport, start a healthy diet, go back to school, learn a new skill, do spiritual research, or take a yoga or meditation class. The idea is to bring new positive things into your life to gather strength and reclaim your identity and power.

The conventional belief in the mental health community is that people with personality disorders will not change. I do not hold such an extreme belief.

People with personality disorders experience low self-awareness and a strong attachment to the rewards and power they receive from their behaviors. However, personal growth is possible and available to anyone who truly wants it.

A major loss or traumatic life experience can upend a tough and stubborn personality. If your partner is willing to seek professional help, there may be some hope for the relationship. Unfortunately, a period of separation is inevitable for potential success. Most importantly, whether or not you continue the relationship, you should do some soul searching. If you were in a good place emotionally, you wouldn’t have endured the relationship for long.

To stay in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder, you must be at a very vulnerable point in your life, or there are long-standing unresolved traumas, insecurities, and self-esteem issues that need attention.

Here are five signs that you (or someone you love) has a personality disorder:

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