Key Points

Narcissists are incapable of truly loving you as you are.

When narcissists say “I love you,” they mean “I love my fantasies about you.”

Once the excitement of courtship wears off, the narcissist will find fault and want you to change.

If you stay in the relationship, you will feel emotionally and/or physically abandoned, confused, exhausted, and heartbroken.

I often get asked something like, “Why did my narcissistic partner stop loving me?” Then I heard a very similar sad story about the course of the relationship that I have heard many times before from many different people.

They treated me well at first. They told me everything about me was perfect, and that they would love me forever. We even planned to go away together this summer. Then everything seemed to take a turn for the worse. They started finding fault with me, then they started ignoring me. Now they have left me, and I feel broken and disappointed. Did I do something wrong

Unfortunately, the answer is always the same. When narcissists say, “I love you,” they don’t mean the same thing that most people mean when they say those words. Here are what I call “The Five Harsh Truths About Narcissistic Love.” What I say applies to both men and women with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Note: I use the terms narcissist, narcissist, and narcissistic personality disorder as shorthand ways to describe someone who meets the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Fact 1: Narcissists fall in love with their fantasies about you.

The painful truth is that narcissists don’t fall in love with people. They fall in love with their expectations of who they currently consider to be their ideal partner. They may appear to be convincingly in love, but that’s because they temporarily believe in the fantasy version of you they’ve created in their mind.

The truth is that narcissistic love is very superficial and ultimately depends on how perfectly you embody their fantasies and how well you meet their needs. It’s all about them, not you.

Truth 2: Narcissists will be disappointed with the “real you.”

Unfortunately, you’re likely to mistake your initial passion and the exaggerated idealization that accompanies it for something more permanent. It can’t last because it’s based on a fantasy. Once narcissists stop trying to impress you long enough to get to know you, they’ll eventually be disappointed that you’re a real person. Real people have flaws. They’re not perfect Disney princes or princesses.

Truth 3: Narcissists will want you to change.

When your narcissistic lover discovers that you don’t fully embody everything they wanted in a partner, the building project begins. Your lover will begin suggesting ways you should change to be “better.”

If you resist making the suggested “improvements,” your narcissistic partner will likely stop being nice and start being mean to you. As a result, you’ll both start fighting more often and the good times will be less.

Fact 4: Narcissists will devalue you.

As your narcissistic lover gets more comfortable with you and more unhappy with your flaws, the compliments will inevitably disappear, and the devaluation will begin.

Suddenly, you’ve somehow become stupid, ugly, and less attractive—and the narcissist in your life is telling you so!

• You’ll hear things like:
• Why are you wearing that to the party?
• Don’t you think you should lose a few pounds?
• Maybe you should consider getting a personal trainer.
• And the ever-popular question: How can you be so stupid?

By the way, even if you try to make all the changes your partner suggests, it will never be enough. Narcissists are perfectionists and nothing is as perfect as it can be in their minds. If you give them what they want, they’ll move the goalposts further and further away.

Fact 5: Narcissists will dump you.

This abandonment can be emotional, physical, or both. And in many ways, emotional abandonment is worse. In emotional abandonment, your narcissistic partner does not physically leave you or formally break up with you. However, he or she makes it clear to you that you, your desires, and your well-being are now irrelevant.

At this point, your narcissistic lover may be flirting with other people in front of you or secretly cheating on you. Many narcissists eventually leave physically, especially if they believe they have better options available to them than you. You’re like an old toy that they no longer find interesting enough to play with or cherish. They’re off in search of someone new who hasn’t been tarnished by reality.

Summary

Narcissists are bad at maintaining real relationships because they have a hard time caring about anyone but themselves. They may act convincingly as the enamored lover at the beginning of the relationship, but that can’t last. They don’t love the real you. They’ve fallen for their carefully constructed fantasy about you. When that fantasy breaks down, they become angry, bored, and rude. They blame you for the relationship’s failures, not their shortcomings or unrealistic standards.