First, what embodies an endless toxic relationship?

He criticizes you all the time. You’re too clingy, too suffocating, too needy, too short, too tall, too flat-chested, too “you.”
He is out of sync with his emotions. You think there may be other women sniffing around and penetrating the perimeter of your relationship.
He won’t commit. Every time you want him to commit to anything (this might be the next time you see each other, not to mention the time he might concede to marry you), he suddenly breaks out in hives, becomes mute, and disappears for days in a restaurant. Time, he grows a beard and goes into the witness protection program in Iowa. You get the point.

How do you end up in a toxic relationship? Well, if you’re in one of these relationships and have been in it for some time, even though you know you need to get out of it, these are the five fears that might be keeping you stuck and the antidote to them.

1. We prefer the devil we know to the devil we do not know.

Once we become sexually and romantically involved with a non-committal and toxic person, this is usually when their disrespectful behavior begins and our self-esteem and self-confidence take a major hit. The only way to prevent this from happening is to get out of the relationship as quickly as possible.

But once we get addicted, like any other drug, we need more and more of the toxic substance so we can take revenge. The more we focus on him, the more dependent we become, which means the poisonous man possesses and controls us.

Toxic men know how to keep us so addicted to our put-downs that we honestly believe no one could love us better because we are simply too flawed for anyone to love us. It follows that we are forced to stay with our familiar devil.

Fear Antidote: Make a list of all the criticisms the toxic man has given you and then share it with an objective person you trust (a close friend, therapist, pastor, someone in your faith community) to get a reality check. Are you the person drawn by the toxic man? Are you a different person when you’re with him than when you’re not with him?

For example, maybe you are needy and clingy because you don’t trust him. You are confident and independent in relationships with people you know you can trust.

Now make a second list of all the ways you are beautiful and strong and share that list with the same objective person. Look at both lists and ask yourself which girl you want to cuddle with. Then take the necessary steps to make it happen.

2. We fear that if we leave a dead-end relationship, we may never have children.

This is a very real fear for women in their mid-30s to early 40s. Our eggs have an expiration date, and there will be a time when we are too old to become pregnant.

This was one of my greatest fears about leaving my last dead-end relationship when I was in my early 30s. It was only when I hit rock bottom in the relationship (another woman in my bed, or my panties were not proof) that I thought about what it would be like to have a child with my husband. Toxic boyfriend.

The antidote to Fear: I tried to imagine how a child would be affected by living in a home with two people who were always at odds and worried that this child might feel like he had to take care of me the same way I had taken care of my mother when she was in a toxic relationship with my stepfather. I knew I didn’t want that for my hypothetical child.

So, when you start to fear that you will end up childless, take a deep breath and remember that it is not enough to have a child. You need more than that. You need a loving, supportive, and stable relationship to raise this child.

Don’t let your biology make you put the cart before the horse. Heal yourself and your relationships first, then leave the door open for a child to enter your life, not just through your womb, but by any wonderful and unexpected means possible.

3. We fear that it is always the wrong time to make a toxic man accountable for his bad behavior.

What you’ll find is that toxic men have countless reasons for why they act the way they do.

They had a sad and painful childhood that still affects them today. They are struggling at work. Their ex-wife drains them. Their children are exhausted and upset. They have high cholesterol, low serotonin, insufficient testosterone, bipolar disorder, plantar fasciitis, and the pulse goes on.

And have you noticed that the more we need a toxic man in our lives, his life is never more difficult?

Once you wake up from your addiction to a toxic man, you will realize that his life is in a constant state of chaos. Bottom line: There is no good excuse for toxic behavior, and there is never a good time to hold a toxic person accountable.

The antidote to Fear: Make a list of how you would like to be treated. Give it to your toxic man and tell him these are the requirements for your relationship. Awareness creates change, watch your back, and don’t give up on yourself when you’re told you’re too demanding.

4. We are afraid that if we leave the toxic relationship, something terrible will happen to our man.

This is especially true for those of us who were responsible for a parent when we were children. Maybe our father was a drug addict, an alcoholic, or dependent on a toxic partner when we were growing up. For this reason, there is a primitive, incomplete fear that the person we love will perish without our intervention and attention.

I can remember sitting in Agape Church in Culver City crying and praying to God (even though up until now I was an atheist) to take care of my fragile ex-boyfriend who did everything he could to destroy our relationship. But I didn’t want to hold him accountable.

It’s been two weeks of absolute guilt hell. I was sure I would receive a phone call any minute from my friend’s mother telling me about his self-inflicted death.

The Antidote to Fear: Instead, I came home from work one night to discover a message tucked on my screen door from my boyfriend’s new girlfriend, Jenny, wanting to know if I thought he might be a sex addict. So much for the loss of my love that sealed its doom.

5. We’re afraid our endlessly toxic man will take everything he’s learned from us and give it to the next girl.

She would become his wife and the mother of his children and they would be happy, proving that all the negative things he said about us were true.

The Antidote to Fear: It is not our business to think about whether the toxic person will change, it is only our business to change ourselves. So instead of thinking about your toxic man’s possible ideal future, make a list of all the positive things that could happen to you once you let go of your fears and get out of the dead-end relationship.

Here are the positive things that happened to me when I hung up my shoes and left the toxic grass:

I was afraid that no one would love me better. I started dating my current husband three months after ending my toxic relationship, and he is so sweet that he makes me want to be a better person. Just like Helen Hunt made Jack Nicholson feel. I’m just Jack Nicholson.
I was afraid that if I left my ex, I might never meet a man and fall in love with him soon enough to have children. Not only do I now have two daughters, but I also have the great fortune of raising them in a stable, loving home.
I always feared that this was the wrong time to make my boyfriend accountable for his behavior. There was never a good time. There was always a crisis in his life that usually stemmed from the other ladies he was hiding in closets.
I was afraid my man would die without me. Within days he had a new girlfriend and was already making nuts.
I was afraid my man would give future women everything he didn’t give me. I recently found out that my ex is already married. I have no idea if the marriage is happy or not, but because I have found happiness myself, in my beautiful moments, I wish all the best to my ex and especially to the woman he made his wife.