People are easily attracted to narcissists, especially codependents. Narcissists can be deceptive and charismatic. One study showed that granular veneers could only be broken through after seven sessions.
I have had several clients who have claimed that the courtship with their narcissistic spouse was wonderful and that the abuse did not begin until after the wedding. However, with greater knowledge, these clients admitted there were signs of a narcissist that they had overlooked.
Related: How Narcissists, Sociopaths, & Psychopaths Manipulate You Into Emotionally Abusive Relationships
#5 Blind spots that make it difficult to spot a narcissist until it is too late
1. Sexual attraction
The greater the physical attraction and sexual intensity, the easier it is to ignore red flags. Individuals who can see auras confirm that sexual energy distorts mental and emotional energy – why lust is blind.
2. Seduction
Narcissists are skilled manipulators. Some of them can be quite seductive, and not just sexual. They may be skilled listeners and communicators or woo you with flattery, self-revelation, and vulnerability—just the opposite of what you might expect from a narcissist.
3. Idealism
Narcissists are often highly accomplished, successful, good-looking, strong, and/or multi-talented. It’s easy to idealize them and want to share in the benefits of their uniqueness, especially if you feel inferior. People with low self-esteem, like codependent people, are more likely to idealize someone they admire. They may be attracted to typical narcissistic traits that they lack, such as strength and boldness. The downside is that idealism makes us ignore contrary information.
4. Familiarity
If your parent is a narcissist, being with a narcissist will make you feel familiar, like you are family. This attraction occurs subconsciously and is often referred to as “chemistry.” With personal therapy, this attraction can change so that you can easily spot someone abusive or selfish. You may be repelled rather than attracted to a narcissist.
5. Interdependence
If you have low self-esteem or are codependent, you may not be aware of your feelings, which may guide you. You may not feel entitled to respect and have your needs and desires met. Most codependents tend to fit in and please others, which suits a narcissist perfectly. This predisposition is strongest in early dating when you are trying to make a good impression. Therefore, you may ignore or rationalize feelings of discomfort and anxiety that indicate a problem. If something bothers you, you won’t talk about it and try to forget it.
Related: Early Warning Signs That The Person You’re In Love With Is A Giant Narcissist
#Red flags when dating a narcissist
Here are some red flags to watch out for. The presence of certain traits does not mean that someone can be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) but they do not bode well for a satisfactory relationship.
One study found that when narcissists knew the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, they readily admitted they were narcissists when asked. So you can ask too, provided they know the features. The need for admiration, dispassion, and grandiosity are key. Look for signs of arrogance and entitlement as well.
1. Self-centeredness
For narcissists, the world revolves around them. Other people are just two-dimensional, which means narcissists cannot empathize. They are in their reality and see you as an extension of themselves to satisfy their needs and desires.
When you talk to your date, is he interested in getting to know you or is he just talking about himself? Surprisingly, some people do this, as if the listener does not exist. This is a clear sign that you will feel invisible in the relationship. If you feel invisible in your family, you may take it for granted. You may feel validated for the attention you pay as a good listener. Beware that this pattern will likely continue.
As mentioned earlier, some narcissists are skilled communicators and will appear fascinated by you, and even mirror your interests to make you like them. They may be good for short-term intimacy and make you feel like a king or queen; But in the end, they don’t stick with it. You will discover that their motive is to get what they want; For example, sex, but they are not interested in knowing more about you, your family, your problems, or your successes.
Be aware of other signs of disinterest: walking away in front of you, making you follow them for another phone call, arriving late, ignoring your boundaries and needs, or interrupting conversations to take calls from other people.
2. Arrogance
Narcissists feel superior to others and can be rude or abusive when they don’t get what they want. This is evident in their behavior and how they talk about themselves and others.
Is your partner a fault-finder who criticizes or blames others, the opposite sex, or your ex? One day he or she might hit you. When you go out, notice how he or she treats the waitresses, car hops, and vendors. Does he or she show respect for others, or act in a superior manner to certain other groups, such as minorities, immigrants, or people with less resources or education?
Narcissists love to associate with high-ranking people and organizations. They believe they are the best and want to surround themselves with the best. This is due to insecurity. Does your partner believe that only his or her school is the best, requiring the best car, the best table in the best restaurant, the finest wine, wearing expensive stickers, or name-dropping public figures they know? This may impress you, but it will frustrate you later when you feel ignored or like a prop in your life.
3. Entitlement
This trait is a gift. It reveals how narcissists believe they are the center of the universe. Not only do they believe that they are special and superior to others, but they also believe that they deserve special treatment and that the rules do not apply to them.
Does your date refuse to turn off his cell phone at the movies, expect others to do favors for him, stand in line, steal items like cutlery, airline blankets, or hotel ashtrays, or insist on special treatment from the parking attendant? Or the restaurant manager, or the waiter? If you are a woman, are you expected to drive to his neighborhood? The relationship with this person will be painful one-sided, and not two-way. Narcissists only care about getting what they want and making the relationship work for them.
4. Boasting and the need for admiration
Although narcissists want to believe they are superior and better, they are insecure. Hence, they need constant validation, appreciation, and recognition. They seek this by bragging about themselves and their accomplishments. They may even lie or exaggerate. People who brag are trying to convince themselves and you of their greatness.
5. Control and manipulation
Narcissists put their needs first. They may manipulate you with flattery, belittlement, or threats. Their lack of empathy may be shown when planning a date. It can be difficult to negotiate a time and place on their terms, especially if they feel you care about them. At first, they may want to please you to win you over, but once they achieve their “goal,” they want to please themselves.
It is the chase, not the hunt that motivates them. Once they win, they can lose interest, and move on to the next conquest before it becomes too emotionally intimate. If not, they will be emotionally unavailable and keep you at a distance, because they fear if you get too close, you won’t like what you see.
Listen to what your dates have to say about themselves and their past relationships. Do they take responsibility or blame others? Pay attention if they admit to serious shortcomings, commitment issues, infidelity, criminality, addiction, or abuse. Just as important, notice whether you feel anxious, uncomfortable, pressured, controlled, ignored, or belittled.
