When your partner says something to you, what is your usual response? Do you drop irony or sweetness? Ignore or engage?
Couples have a range of opportunities to interact with each other, and the way they do so reveals the health of the relationship.

Shelly Gable is a psychologist who studies interactions. It looked at how partners react to something good in the other’s life. She had 79 young couples complete a five-minute task.

Her team watched how the partners responded when someone shared something positive. They categorized the responses into four types:

Here are different ways to respond when your partner says something

active – build (active support)
passive-builder (minimum support)
active – destructive (passive) and
Negative – destructive (ignoring what was said or changing the subject).
For example, suppose Dartle comes home and tells Josie he got a raise. Josie can respond in many different ways.

An active, constructive response might be: “Awesome! It’s great to be recognized for your work.” or
She can give a negative, constructive response: “That’s cool” [briefly from TikTok]. or
She can be an active destroyer: “What if they expected you to do more? Could you even handle your job now?”
Negative-destructive: “I am so angry with your mother right now.”

Gable followed up with couples after two months and found that the difference between those who did well and those who broke up was the amount of active constructive responses. Partners who showed a genuine interest in each other’s lives were generally healthy.

This is because positive, constructive responses are not just words; They transmit information about the relationship. If Josie Dartel gives a high five (“Awesome”), it shows that he is respectful, safe, and supported. The positive effect is not from the literal meaning of her words. It’s her feeling for Dartel that comes to him.

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Relationships and bidding relationships

John Gottman calls the interactions of relationships that anticipate a response “quotes”. When the partner says something, it is a show, and the reaction is revealing. Let’s say Josie and Dartell are driving in friendly silence. Josie looks out the window and says, “I used to have a purple Ford Taurus like that in college, only it rusted right through.” Her comment isn’t about the clunker, it’s about communicating with Dartel.

If his answer is affirmative (“That’s a nice trip!”), it is an example of a partner “turning” toward the other, in Gottman n’s terms. If the response to the bid is negative (“You’ve told me that a million times”), that’s a “decline” moment. It is also a distant turn if the bid is ignored or welcomed. The response shows whether the sentiment is interesting or dismissive. Accumulating turns towards each other are relationship adhesives.

A few years ago, my wife texted me: “My iPad is missing. Any ideas?” I was busy, but I texted: “No, sorry.” I went back to work. A few minutes later I saw that she was calling. I sighed. I’ve been busy writing a book about hooking up with your wife, so I didn’t want to reply. I replied, but my first thought was to be sarcastic and say something like, “Did you just want to tell me out loud that he’s gone?” But luckily I’ve been thinking about it better.

Read also Beyond ‘I Love You’: 10 Powerful Love Phrases for Expressing Your Feelings

She was angry and having a stressful day, and we talked for three minutes. I listened and asked a couple of questions (“Maybe the kids put it somewhere?”) and it was fine. This was a small example of giving in, and it could have gone a number of ways: If you were condescending it would have caused estrangement and resentment.

I tried to be present, so it went well. Perhaps I could have been more empathetic, and perhaps generated more communication. She wasn’t necessarily asking me to fix the problem (although that would be welcome) but she wanted me to take a few moments to listen to something that was consuming her energy.

Bids come in frequently, and couples who manage them in a reasonable or encouraging way do much better than those who don’t.
Gottman followed the couples for six years after their marriage and found that the divorcees responded positively after the offer only 33% of the time. Couples who stayed together responded positively about 86% of the time. This is a huge difference, and it’s found in many types of couples: rich and poor, gay and straight, and it’s central to predicting which relationships will last.

How often do you respond positively to your partner’s offers?

The healthiest couples are encouraging or constructive nine times out of ten. Struggling couples only turn toward each other about a third of the time. What is your typical response? How does your partner invite you in? Are they seeking attention, acting playful, or wanting help? All of these are opportunities to show interest, support, and make connections