When we find ourselves in a toxic relationship, it may seem like there is no way out. Sometimes we fool ourselves into believing that this type of relationship is normal. But to be healthy, we have to learn how to get out of a toxic relationship first. Here’s how.
- Admit that the relationship is toxic.
If you’re in a toxic relationship, you’re likely going in and out of denial about how toxic the relationship is. One moment you feel disgusted and the next you make excuses and justify your partner’s intolerable behavior. Most will let go of some issues from time to time in long-term romantic relationships. You must be willing to accept your partner as he is. They also need to do the same for you.
On the other hand, there are certain things that a person should never ignore in a relationship. You are planting bad seeds in the barren ground if your partner lies to you, cheats on you, humiliates you, uses you for money or other resources, or abuses you emotionally or physically. End it if your partner doesn’t hold themselves accountable and is causing you chronic pain.
- Stop believing that this relationship is the best you can do.
If you are in a toxic relationship as described above, you have probably stopped trusting friends and family. You keep your relationship separate from others because you are afraid that your loved ones will see how unhealthy it is. Or you feel like your toxic partner is the only person who will understand and love you.
Withdrawing from others and avoiding intimate face-to-face interactions with others reinforces the idea that you will never be known or cared for by anyone other than your toxic partner. It keeps you in the panic of thinking that you will find yourself alone. This desperation will prevent you from drawing boundaries and holding your partner accountable wholeheartedly.
Before doing anything, work on building your support system. Join a gym, hiking club, or book club, start a new hobby, meet friends to exercise, and eat with different acquaintances. You have to start allowing others to get close to you so that you no longer feel as if your orbit will collapse without this toxic partner who is the center of your life.
- Detoxification.
You’re fooling yourself and wasting valuable time if you try to believe that you can still somehow remain friends or have a phone relationship with your toxic partner. These people have a way of manipulating and making others feel sorry for them.
If you continue contact, you enable this person to continue working to attract you back to them. The only realistic way out is to stop all communication so you can start over. Spending time apart also positively helps enhance perspective.
- Pursue self-growth.
Of course, the change will not be immediate and you will not meet Mr. or Mrs. Wright right away. Take all that time you spent trying to understand your toxic partner better or fix a flawed relationship and invest it in yourself. Use your energy to pursue self-growth. Start meditating, journaling, reading self-help books, or taking weekly psychotherapy.
When dating, think carefully about the people you’ve gone on before, and work towards dating new and different personality types. Strong immediate attraction can mean future trouble for the relationship. Step back and wait a few beats. This tactic will help you avoid another disappointing relationship.
Even if a pattern of toxic love describes your relationship, there is a way out of the spiral. I describe in my workbook, Toxic Love: 5 Steps, specific strategies for how to get out of a toxic relationship, overcome this pattern, and also how to start attaching to healthy romantic partners.
