Everyone has had a toxic friend at some point in their life. Wise people may do their best to avoid getting involved in complex, energy-draining friendships, but as the saying goes: “You can’t choose your friends.”
However, you can get rid of toxic people in your life. For many relationships, this is the best option.
But toxicity is not binary when it comes to any relationship. A romantic partner or friend can have toxic behaviors without being completely “toxic.” There are ways to manage such behavior.
How do I know? Because I was that needy, involved, manipulative friend. I’m not saying I’m perfect now, far from it. But I’ve been working hard on myself.
I firmly believe that having a mental illness does not give you license to be toxic. However, I also acknowledge that many problematic behaviors stem from mental illness.
I’ve been diagnosed with a variety of issues myself – from major depressive disorder to generalized anxiety and OCD. However, my latest assessment includes the “characteristics” of BPD. I’ve found that many people I’ve talked to over the years can identify some toxic behaviors as “borderline.”
This is largely because those who know someone with BPD have experienced firsthand the effects of the disorder – self-destructive habits, manipulative behavior, unstable relationships, extreme mood swings, and suicidal thoughts and/or attempts.
(Note: Although you may recognize some behaviors as toxic or borderline, never diagnose yourself or others with any form of mental illness. Like any illness, personality disorders require a diagnosis from a medical professional. If your friend has symptoms Borderline, don’t label them as having BPD unless they have been diagnosed as such and have shared that diagnosis with you.)
Now, I have only been diagnosed with borderline characteristics.
Why? One psychiatrist told me that at the age of 24, my personality was not fully developed.
Other specialists said the stigma surrounding borderline personality disorder makes mental health professionals reluctant to make a full diagnosis unless symptoms are particularly severe.
However, I have recently been treated using techniques designed for people with personality disorders, with a combination of medication and dialectical behavioral therapy.
It helped me a lot.
Since dedicating myself to therapy, I’ve gotten sober and put a lot more effort into dealing with toxic friendships:
- Create boundaries.
People with BPD struggle with boundaries. Crossing boundaries, over and over again, is classic toxic behavior, whether it requires an increase in someone’s money, attention, or even just their time.
Attention has always been a big issue for me. Like many people with BPD, I have a fear of abandonment, and my needy behavior has pushed people away from me, feeding the cycle of problematic behavior.
It is ultimately the responsibility of the person violating boundaries to stop doing so. However, you can help by making your boundaries clear and calling out your friends when they cross them. Could this hurt their feelings? may be. But in the long run, they would rather have a healthy relationship with you, rather than push you away.
Related: 8 Ways Narcissists Use Narcissistic Projection to Hurt You
- Be clear; Don’t hint.
This goes hand in hand with creating boundaries. You may be tempted to point out your friend’s problematic behavior rather than criticize him directly.
I get it; It is easier to be indirect. I hate confrontation myself, as I think most people do. But, not everyone can take a hint – someone who frequently exhibits toxic behavior may be oblivious to any suggestions about their behavior.
Again, it is always the responsibility of the person causing any personal problems to correct their behavior. But if you want them to change, you better be direct. And yes, you may hurt their feelings. You can drive them away completely. But if your friend isn’t willing to change his behavior, he may not be worth being your friend at all.
Related: Golden Child Syndrome: Why Narcissistic Parents Exploit Their Children
- Don’t blame yourself.
Becoming friends with someone who exhibits self-destructive behaviors can be emotionally exhausting. Sometimes, some things may lead to their destruction.
You may be concerned that what you said or did caused him to act out, perhaps even threatening or trying to hurt himself. Keep in mind that whatever your friend does to himself, it is never your fault. Even if they are reacting to an interaction with you, it is only their responsibility when they engage in destructive behaviors.
- Don’t be afraid to walk away.
No one wants to be part of something as extreme as a near-death experience, whether it’s due to drug use or an active attempt at self-harm. You may be afraid of unintentionally hurting your friend by staying away from him. do not be. Ultimately, your mental health is just as important as anyone else’s.
It doesn’t even have to be something extreme. If you find yourself constantly taking issue with a friend’s manipulative behavior, no matter how small or insignificant, you can always walk away.
You are also not responsible for your friend’s mental health. If you’re concerned about them, you can alert a close friend or family member or direct them to a mental health professional.
You can’t guarantee they’ll receive help, but if it makes you feel better about walking away, it’s something to consider. Your friend should get professional help anyway, rather than relying solely on friends. While you can empathize with your toxic friends and help guide them in the right direction, their behavior is their responsibility.
I’ve told many friends that I want them to feel like they can walk away if they need to, because ultimately it’s good for me and for them, too. If I’m trapped in a cycle of codependency with a friend and can’t stop, it’s better for both of us in the long run to set boundaries or end the friendship.
Does it hurt you when someone ends a friendship? Heck yes, it does. It hurts a lot. But often, doing the things that are good for you can be very difficult.
