Narcissists attract you with their charm and flattery. I needed love. But your partner didn’t give it.

Now you are suffering, whether you are inside or outside. You feel the confusion and hurt of being involved in a narcissistic relationship.

They seem to like you a lot, with all the promises and adoration. Then things changed, maybe a little at first. They have become more distant and critical.

Related: How To Make A Relationship With A Narcissist Work

Just one narcissistic relationship can demolish your self-esteem.
Do you remember the legend of Narcissus, who fell in love with his reflection in a pond? Even the beautiful nymph Echo couldn’t lure him away. This is the real problem.

Narcissists love themselves more than you do. They just want a mirror of how amazing, beautiful, and lovable they are. Deviate from that and they will turn on you or leave.

Losing them seems like the greatest loss imaginable, but it’s not. The biggest loss is how bad you feel about yourself now.

Narcissists leave you feeling like you’ve done something wrong, that you need too much, and that you’re not lovable. You may be desperate to win back their love.

What you really need to get back is your self-esteem.

Narcissists destroy your self-esteem, leaving you swimming in self-doubt. It’s how they feel superior – that they are always right – to raise their shaky self-confidence.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s important to grieve what you thought you had. It’s a loss. However, it is also important to see what you don’t have and know that it is not your fault.

Here are 4 surprising ways being in a narcissistic relationship hurts your self-esteem.

1. You cannot need or want anything.
   A narcissist cannot make room for your needs or feelings. Especially if you try to talk to them about the ways they’ve hurt you, or if you point out a promise they didn’t keep.

They defend themselves, or get angry. They either make you feel — or outright tell you — that you are so needy. If this is your childhood experience, they make you believe they are always right.

They are not. The relationship goes both ways.

For a narcissist, love is a one-way street that only goes his way. This can make you feel like there is something wrong with you; That you are not lovable.

2. You don’t feel loved.
   Being with a narcissist makes you doubt how much you love them.

If they leave you, you’re probably imagining them dating. How will they give someone else what they promised you. These thoughts crush you. It’s the worst kind of pain.

It’s the kind of pain that comes from comparing yourself and not feeling good enough, even before it shows up. They made you feel good enough, at least for a little while.

Now, they’ve taken it all away. You desperately need to get her back, but you can’t, even if you try. You’re constantly asking, “Why? What happened?”

Did you do something to make them go away? You look back and look at all the details of the romance, all the good things between you. Did I make a mistake in loving him?

3. You doubt your own perceptions.
   A relationship with a narcissist is like gaslighting (a form of manipulation that can be extremely intense to control you). It makes you doubt what you think and feel.

Maybe their actions don’t match their words. Are they lying? Did you make a mistake in what they said? You don’t know anything for sure, not anymore.

You think about one thing, and then it changes – in their behavior and in your mind. It would be worse if they actually told you that you were wrong. You are in a constant state of doubt about your own perceptions.

You will never feel like you are on solid ground within yourself, let alone them. What is reality? You want to trust them, but can you? You are not sure. Was the entire relationship a lie?

Related: How To Get Over A Narcissist

4. You are afraid to trust in love.
   The fear of trusting love again is the worst effect on your self-esteem, especially if you blame yourself.

You may be sure they would have stayed if you had not needed them so badly; If you don’t do this or that. If you give them more than they want.

You’re sure you’ll never like this so much again. Or that everyone you’re with will be just like him.

You are stuck. They hurt you so bad. I thought this was love. You hoped (or they promised) that it would be forever. Now, you’re alone, missing them. Will you ever stop?

The first step is to get angry, at your narcissistic ex, not at the way he or she directs your anger toward you.

What does your anger do? It helps you see their flaws and not romanticize love.