Narcissistic people tend to be very difficult to deal with. They are usually very self-absorbed and primarily focused on themselves – often coming across as extremely arrogant, demanding, and entitled. Usually, it is almost impossible to convince them to take responsibility for their actions.
None of us dream of raising children who will look up to us or take advantage of us when they become adults. Unfortunately, this scenario happens to far too many.
In Jesse Singal’s article, How Children Become Narcissists – which is based on a new study – he tends to accept parental overestimation as the cause of childhood narcissism, not a lack of parental warmth. If we compare social learning theory with the generalized psychoanalytic view of the “warm” mother; This may be the case, although it is doubtful.
Instead, I propose narrowing the scope of the psychoanalytic concept of the “empathic mother” to the mother who fulfills the child’s basic narcissistic needs. In this case, the situation is not either – or – but rather both.
Here are the four main causes of a narcissistic personality in childhood:
1. Genetics
It turns out that narcissism has a strong genetic background. This is what we cannot influence (other than not choosing a partner who shows signs of narcissism).
2. Intrauterine effects.
During embryonic development, certain types of neurons form. What’s happening is an incredibly complex and coordinated process shaped by millions of years of evolution.
We do not know exactly all of its components, and we cannot influence it, so the best we can do to ensure that the baby’s development is not changed or disturbed is to provide the least stressful and healthiest environment for the fetus. maybe.
3. Lack of parental empathy during the primary stage of narcissism.
Psychoanalysts claim that there is a condition in child development around the age of 2-4 years that they call primary narcissism. At this stage, the child has already developed a kind of independence from his mother and begins to form his ego by absorbing the clues around him.
This stage is easy to recognize – it’s full of “Watch me!” look at me! I’m smarter than you! “My dad can hit your dad,” kind of mentality.
Kohut and Kernberg posit that parental empathy, in general, is necessary for raising mentally strong and healthy children, and I suggest further specification in the case of childhood narcissism. It is important to realize that your child is going through a normal and normal phase of healthy primary narcissism, and therefore needs positive feedback – both emotionally and cognitively.
Parents need to fulfill their children’s natural need to be seen, appreciated, and appreciated. Children need to feel like they are the center of their parents’ world. They need to feel loved so that they in turn know that they are loved.
They need to be seen to feel valued, and they need to feel valued to know that they are valuable.
Cognitively, parents need to provide appropriate positive feedback, which serves as the center of their self-esteem. It should be authentic – promoting real positive achievements for their children.
I’m a big believer in positive discipline, so I prefer to reward – mostly verbally – ten good moves a child makes rather than criticize one.
When a need is not met, there is harm in the child’s development. If parents do not meet the narcissist’s primary needs, personality development falters. A child may continue to search for the satisfaction of this need throughout his life if he does not receive the recognition and appreciation that he was looking for in his early stages of development.
4. Excessive praise during childhood development.
Meeting a need does not have to conflict with reality. All children take a tremendous amount of positive action if you watch them with an open mind. It is the parent’s job to find the positive traits of their child and reinforce them as much as possible.
While we may look for positive behavior or accomplishments, we should not over-praise or exaggerate ordinary actions.
If your child brings a painting for you to see, it’s better to pay attention to it — ask about the details, color choice, meaning, and why he chose to paint exactly what he did — rather than evaluate. He is known as “Little Van Gogh”. Moreover, after childhood, we have to set expectations and work towards them slowly, patiently but accordingly.
Many of these expectations are social expectations – never getting ahead at the expense of others, never bragging, never demanding more attention than others, or interrupting. Setting rules and expectations is also a parental task that goes hand in hand with meeting needs.
It is clear that of the four components that support narcissistic personality traits, we cannot directly influence genetic and intrauterine influences. But I am a firm believer that even with the worst genetic makeup and the most troublesome pregnancies, we as parents have the opportunity to address the emergence of narcissism by fulfilling the child’s healthy narcissistic need at the stage of primary narcissism, guiding and teaching. Tactfully train them in the golden rules of social interactions.
