Valentine’s Day is a celebration for couples who share a special bond. But for those who have been so unlucky as to fall in love with a narcissist, it can be a harrowing and stressful experience.
Narcissists lack empathy and view relationships as something that can be manipulated to get what they want. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, the narcissist is more focused on what he’s going to get (and how he’ll manage any affair partners they have) rather than how to make their significant other feel special or loved.
In this article, I cover four different types of trauma narcissists inflict on Valentine’s Day. During Valentine’s Day, narcissists can best use their crushing tactics against you. This can cause PTSD and complex PTSD, especially if it is experienced constantly or becomes a pattern in your relationship.
1 – The humiliation of humiliation
This generally includes taking away your dignity, lowering your self-esteem, lowering your standing in your eyes or the eyes of others, or making you feel embarrassed or ashamed.
Examples of humiliation trauma can include:
A narcissist who is getting his or her new supply will either text you or call you to ask you to stop calling or texting the narcissist.
The narcissist and his new resource contact you, together leave a sarcastic voicemail, and maybe even laugh while doing it.
Narcissists post pictures of themselves with their new supplies all over social media when they recently tried to convince you that they are working on your relationship.
Wage a devastating smear campaign by speaking smears about you to your family, friends, or co-workers. That is, “Oh, well, I tried to help her, but her functional alcoholism is too strong,” even though you only have a glass of wine with dinner a few nights a week.
Taking you out to a nice Valentine’s dinner. You get the impression that everything is going well, and it was probably one of the best Valentine’s dinners ever with the narcissist. But then, probably the same night, they announced that they wanted to break it off, get a divorce, or meet someone else.
Giving you a blank card for Valentine’s Day. Imagine getting a great card with your name on the envelope, opening the envelope, and the card is completely blank.
You sit down with them at the breakfast table to try to talk to them about something that happened or maybe your feelings, and they completely ignore you, pick up the newspaper, and start reading it as if you weren’t there.
Finally, the narcissist may give gifts but without any real emotion attached, leaving them feeling empty or worse – like just another item on their shopping list. Seeing other couples just celebrating each other’s love serves as a stark reminder that your relationship lacks so much that it should be, leading you into a deeper depression as you compare yourself negatively to others luckier than you.
2 – the shock of rejection
This may seem like they make you feel unworthy, compare you to other people (like that new secretary at work or that handsome CEO who just started working in their department), or cast a negative light on you, your personality traits, or your accomplishments. He gives you over and over a long list of reasons why you’re not a good enough partner for them, which oddly represents many of the things they said they liked about you at first. Refrain from affection, intimacy, or constant separation from you.
The reason the trauma of rejection is so harmful is that the person rejecting you will almost become an obsession if you don’t have the coping skills to get through the experience.
We also know, thanks to studies, that the person who appears indifferent or uninterested is usually the one who has the upper hand in the relationship. (I don’t like the idea of the upper hand because usually, in a normal, healthy, mutual relationship, neither partner is interested in getting the upper hand.)
Narcissists’ self-centeredness makes it impossible for them to truly appreciate their partner’s efforts on Valentine’s Day. It’s easy for them to be critical of any gifts or plans their partner has made, or to expect too much from them. This can make the partner feel unappreciated and insignificant. It can also lead to arguments if the narcissist believes their partner is not doing enough to show them how much they care, despite their partner’s best efforts otherwise.
They may try to dictate what gifts their partner should give them or how they should spend the day together. They may also plan overly elaborate events or activities that require their partner’s participation, regardless of whether it is something their partner actually wants to do. This can lead to resentment and frustration with the partner because they feel their needs and desires are being ignored.
3 – Trauma abandonment
Narcissists will use various forms of abandonment to create a hypervigilance that they are always about to leave you. It leaves you feeling emotionally insecure, unimportant, and unsure about how to meet your needs or about the future of your relationship.
Examples of things that may cause abandonment trauma include:
leaves you again. In my first relationship with a narcissist, we were married for nearly ten years, and it got to the point where he always packed his bags and left about every two weeks. It became such a regular part of our relationship that I would fill his suitcases for him and leave them on the porch.
Constantly not being accessible, blocking you from their phones and social media, talking about people they like, and staying in touch with an
You know that your partner or spouse has been having a long-term relationship behind your back. Narcissists may have families behind their partner’s or spouses’ backs. This is most common when the narcissist is traveling abroad for work, which they may be, but it’s surprising that they accidentally started a new family with someone while they were there, too.
Narcissist speeches behind your back when you thought they were going to ask you to marry them.
Accepting the narcissist’s apology for an affair only to find out they never stopped it, or knowing that the vacation you were looking forward to and saving for is no longer an option because the narcissist has spent all the money on something or someone else.
Furthermore, many narcissists may use this day as an opportunity for abuse – whether it be verbal attacks against their partner for not buying something expensive enough (in their eyes), or physical violence for feeling “unappreciated” by not receiving enough attention during the festivities. , or just general manipulation tactics like guilt-tripping them into doing what they want instead of making them happy (or vice versa).
All of these behaviors are unacceptable, yet unfortunately common when dealing with narcissistic individuals—making Valentine incredibly stressful mentally, emotionally, and physically in the process.
