On the surface, narcissists may appear charming, intelligent, and caring—they know how to lure and seduce their way back into your life. But once they lure you back in, they revert to their selfish selves. Their motto will always be “Me first!” Everything revolves around them. They have a great sense of self-importance and entitlement, and crave admiration and attention. They can also be very intuitive, but they use their intuition for self-interest and manipulation.
In my psychiatric practice, I have seen how difficult it is for patients to break up with a narcissistic partner. Narcissists can make you fall so deeply in love with them that it feels like you are giving up a part of your heart to leave them. They use all sorts of manipulation to convince you to stay.
Narcissists are so dangerous because they lack empathy, and have a limited capacity for unconditional love. Tragically, their hearts either did not develop or were closed due to early psychological trauma, such as being raised by narcissistic parents, which is an emotionally and spiritually crippling disability. (The damage caused by narcissistic parenting is beautifully detailed in Alice Miller’s The Gifted Child .) It can be hard to fathom, but these people have no insight into their actions, and no remorse for them.
To find out if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, ask yourself the following questions.
Test: Have you ever been in a relationship with a narcissist?
Does the person act as if life revolves around them?
Do I have to compliment them to get their attention or approval?
Do they constantly turn the conversation to themselves?
Do they belittle my feelings or interests?
If I disagree, do they become cold or aloof?
If you answered “yes” to one or two questions, you’re probably dealing with a narcissist. Answering “yes” to three or more questions suggests that the narcissist is violating your emotional freedom.
Narcissists are difficult to deal with. With these patients, the best I can do is tune in to their positive aspects and focus on the behaviors they agree aren’t working. However, even if one wants to change, progress is limited, with little gain. My professional advice: Don’t fall in love with a narcissist or imagine that they are capable of the give and take necessary for intimacy. In such relationships, you will always be somewhat emotionally alone. If you have a reluctant narcissistic spouse, be careful not to try to win the nurturing you never got from your parents; it won’t happen. Also, don’t expect your sensitivity to be honored. These people spoil love with all the obstacles you have to jump to please them.
They will use every trick to get you back, so be prepared. Narcissists are really persuasive. When you are ready to leave, stick to your convictions and move on to a more positive future filled with true love.
Set boundaries
Because narcissists have no empathy, and cannot truly love, you must leave them suddenly and endure the pain. Set boundaries and say “no” to them and in your heart. Then gather all your strength and continue walking into the unknown towards something better.
Focus on the future
Once you have broken up with a narcissist, it is extremely important that you focus all your energy and positive thoughts on doing good things for yourself and the world. Do not let your mind wander to the past or to what they are doing.
Be kind to yourself
Treat yourself. Be very kind to yourself and know that you are worthy of a loving relationship with someone who can love you back.
Every person we meet along the way, loving or not, is meant to help us grow. Do not blame yourself for getting involved with a narcissist. But learn what you can from this, including setting healthy boundaries and saying “no” to abuse, so it doesn’t happen again. It’s emotionally liberating to heal any attraction to abusive people so you can have more true love in your life.
