We’ve all had those moments when we thought our partner was being crazy selfish. (At least, those of us in LTRs have…) And while it’s tempting to call your S.O. Narcissistic When you’re upset, there’s a big difference between vanity, arrogance, overconfidence, and true narcissism.
Although on the surface they share some traits, the difference between a selfish asshole and a clinical narcissist is that the latter has no real empathy for others, making their relationship with you center around them and their self-image. They don’t care about you on a deeper level, beyond what you reflect to them. Although we would strongly caution that making an actual diagnosis can only be done by a doctor, if you are coupled with a narcissist, there are some signs of a narcissist you can look for to help you walk away from this person before you delve too deep.
Related: 11 Ways Narcissists Use Shame To Control You
#Here are the 4 most important signs that you love a narcissist:
1. They don’t value you
Narcissists have great difficulty valuing others. “They simply can’t enjoy you as you are, feel proud of you, or acknowledge your efforts in any capacity — for example, when you try to help them or make them happy,” says Dr. Rhonda Freeman, a neuropsychologist who focuses on the following. Many of her studies are on narcissism. “This lack of appreciation may be difficult to spot at first because they may brag about you to people they know or be attracted to you because of certain special traits or accomplishments you have.”
But remember, there’s a big difference between appreciation and your partner using your uniqueness to make them look good, or wanting to be your partner because of your qualities or resume.
Related: 8 Tiny Signs A Narcissist Has You In Their Deadly Grips
2. They never take responsibility
Narcissists tend to be intolerant of being held responsible for rudeness, cruelty, or other social offenses, Freeman says. “Sometimes they are overtly hostile, but other times they reframe their behavior in other ways, including but not limited to a joke, a mistake, someone else’s mistake, your hypersensitivity, or your (unjustified) worry about what they think Others, or “distort reality so that they are perceived as the victim rather than the victim,” she says.
If they constantly say things like: “It was just a joke!” “You know I wasn’t serious,” or “You’re too sensitive — and you know I didn’t mean anything by it,” and “You always worry about what other people think!” Are you insecure or something?” You could be dating a narcissist.
3. They insist that they are trustworthy
Freeman says narcissists often want complete access to the new person they’re dating. “Trust is fragile, and deep trust is usually earned and maintained by our inner circle because they have consistently proven that they care about us, that they are loyal to us, and would never betray us,” she says.
However, narcissists tend to want to achieve the level of trust of their “inner circle” without putting in the time or work to prove that they are worthy of it. “For them, going from 0 to 100 is normal, and many of them get upset when their new partner isn’t immediately ready to share absolutely everything,” Freeman explains.
Trust should never feel forced. If you feel like your partner is pushing you to say, do, or share certain things, narcissism may be to blame.
Related: How To Spot A Narcissist Immediately On A First Date
4. You’re always getting into “trouble” with them
Many narcissists have certain physical standards for the people they date. “They feel entitled to comment, correct, and criticize when you do not meet these standards. For most people, being ‘corrected’ regarding our appearance or physical appearance is hurtful and, at the very least, considered rude. However, narcissists will view this as your fault for letting you down.” Their hope,” explains Freeman.
For example, I showed up to a movie date wearing casual clothes, a ponytail, and minimal makeup. Your date starts laughing or immediately points out your nature and might say something rude like: “I guess today’s the day you don’t care about your appearance, huh?”
If you think you may be suffering from depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone.
