I don’t know about you, but I’m not good at thinking of clever responses. In fact, this is not entirely true. I can think of funny things, but it’s about 24 hours too late. That’s why I like to keep a running catalog in my mind, so I can have the perfect response to any annoying person or situation.

And even if you prefer the Gray Rock approach, it’s always a good idea to have a few extra lines up your sleeve. Here are 31 funny things to say to a narcissist.

31 Funny things to say to a narcissist

When a narcissist acts like a victim.

“You must come down from that cross. “We need wood to start a fire.”
“Doesn’t it hurt to hang up that cross all day?”

Narcissists like to appear as self-sacrificing martyrs, when we all know that they only think about themselves. This suppression is perfect for when they blame you for their difficult circumstances or complain that they have to do everything.

When a narcissist deceives you.

“If it’s a joke, I should laugh, right?”
“You’re right, I’m crazy. Crazy in love with you my dear!

Narcissists use manipulative tactics such as gaslighting to upset you and make you think you are crazy. You question your reality, and this gives them a strong hold over you. They thrive on creating drama and drawing you into awkward arguments. Either call them out or play them at their own game.

When a narcissist lies to you.

“That’s an interesting point. In any case…”
“Can you repeat that?” “I want to remember the stupidest thing I ever heard.”

If you’re looking for funny things to say to a narcissist to stop their lies, try these. The problem with narcissists is that they are delusional and believe the lies they tell. They hate being challenged because it shows them off. Ask them to repeat whatever silly lie they are telling this time.

If the narcissist is bragging and fishing for compliments.

“Listen, I tied your shoelaces today, so let’s count our blessings.”
“You’ll go away one day. I hope it stays there.”

Narcissists have a desperate need for attention. They satisfy this in several ways. One is humble bragging. Modest bragging is saying something self-deprecating in the hope that it will boost one’s ego.

When you want to curb their ego.

“Do you think you are the sperm that won?”
“You’re so ugly you could trick or treat over the phone.”
“Does your mother tell you to act like you don’t know her when she’s out and about?”

The thing I’ve learned about narcissists is that they have no sense of humor, and they don’t understand sarcasm. Therefore, it is easy to provoke them with a sarcastic comment.

When a narcissist exaggerates his achievements.

“The sun shines on the dog’s butt every now and then.”
“See, even a blind squirrel finds nuts sometimes.”

Narcissists are empty vessels who need a constant source of attention and validation. They often exaggerate or lie about their accomplishments to get the praise they feel they deserve.

When a narcissist wants to start an argument with you.

“I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it to you.”
“I would agree with you, but then we would be wrong.”

Don’t give the narcissists in your life what they crave. They love the interaction that arguments provide, and once you get hooked on their drama, they hold your attention.

When you want to insult a narcissist.

“No, I don’t want french fries with it.”
“Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?”

I made myself laugh when this popped into my head. This multi-layered insult will go beyond your typical narcissist because she will automatically assume you’re talking about her appearance. They will not think that you are criticizing their personality.

When a narcissist always improves your achievements.

“Oh my God, me too!”
“Wow, I thought I was the only one!”

Every time a narcissist says something weird/unique/interesting about themselves, say, “Oh my God, me too!” It steals their thunder and really upsets them.

When the narcissist is your parent.

“I’m so sorry you had unprotected sex.”
“Look, I’m the best that’s come out of you.”

It is common for narcissists to blame their children for all missed opportunities. Life would be so much better if you hadn’t come and ruined it. All those sacrifices they had to make, and she turned into an ungrateful little person.

When a narcissist constantly criticizes you.

“I’m so sorry I’m so bad (whatever they’re complaining about).” I will work to be better.”
“Thank you for pointing that out. I won’t do that again.”
“You’re right.”

You are withdrawing the narcissist’s supply when you agree with them. They create drama to focus attention on themselves, but agreeing with their criticism spoils their sails.

When you just need to stop a narcissist.

“Get the day you deserve.”
“Save your breath. You’ll need it for your blow-up doll.”
“Listen, I’ve been called a lot worse than a lot better.”
“Why don’t you talk about something you know?”
“I admire your ability to make such a clever insult despite your obvious flaws.”
“Sorry, what’s your name again?”
“I hope it works out for you.”

My last list of funny things to say to a narcissist is to stop the conversation. Sometimes you’ve had enough and can’t handle the person or situation anymore. Saying things like “Have the day you deserve” silences them.