At first, he might be drinking wine and having dinner with you; He put you on a pedestal where you stayed for, I don’t know, six months or so until the cracks started to show.
Suddenly, it’s not about you anymore. Instead of making a reservation at a fancy restaurant for your anniversary, he expected you to cook for him, and then the steak wasn’t rare enough, and the wine wasn’t quite cold to perfection.
Suddenly, the world seemed to revolve around him.
It’s okay, I thought. He simply feels comfortable in the relationship. So you decide to give it more time, even though your inner voice keeps saying something is wrong, you can’t quite put your finger on the problem.
Oh yeah, he now puts his own needs before yours… all the time. At this stage he is asking you to marry him, and you are still not listening to your inner voice. You can tie the knot anyway. And this annoying behavior gets worse.
Before you know it, you’re married to a narcissist. It is supposed to meet all his needs. Your spouse’s problems are much more important than they could ever be.
Can you turn him around and get married? Maybe if you follow these steps:
- Force your partner to put themselves in your shoes.
When he makes condescending remarks, repeat to him (in a nice way) exactly what he said.
For example, if he says, “Why can’t you be like ? She cooks well for her husband.” Turn it around and say to your husband, “What if I told you, why can’t you be more like ? He’s doing so much better for his wife.”
When your partner hears these words again, he may realize how much pain he or she is feeling. Sometimes, we say things but don’t stop and think about how they affect the other person.
- Make sure your wife truly understands the extent of the problem.
It may be that he simply takes you for granted and attributes this selfish attitude to, “Oh, everyone acts the way I do in marriage.” You can point out that successful couples put their partners first most of the time.
Sure, we’re all a little selfish sometimes. But narcissists never put their partner’s needs before their own. Gently point out that while you go the extra mile for him most of the time, he rarely reciprocates.
Give specific examples of how you want to see it change. Reiterate how important your relationship is, and that you have all the confidence in the world that he can change his behavior.
But if he doesn’t, the marriage is in danger. This suggestion alone may be enough to rock his world and convince your husband to comply.
- Give your partner an ultimatum and stick to it.
If you say you’re going out, you should be ready to leave. This does not mean that he has to undergo a transformation in a matter of days. If you notice a change in your behavior with each passing week, give it more time.
But if your husband refuses to budge and insists on going his way or the highway, you may need to take a break and separate while you seek counseling.
Changing a narcissist’s behavior is difficult, but if he is willing to do the work and realizes that this behavior must change, your marriage can go a long way.
The other question is: How much do you want to stay in the marriage if your needs are not being met? Your answer may make that decision for you.
