The only good thing I can say about being married to a classic narcissist for twenty years is that he was so bold and so cavalier about his narcissistic behavior and abuse, that he would tell me what he was going to do before he did it.
I know it doesn’t sound like a good thing, but having those much-needed minutes to prepare before he acted was often life-changing for me.
This type of inflated and selfish behavior is typical of classic or overt narcissists and is what we think of when we hear the term.
A narcissist is defined as “an extremely selfish person with an exaggerated sense of self-importance.”
People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) “have an inflated sense of their importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of overconfidence lies a fragile self-confidence.” An appreciation that is vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
Related: 8 Dire Mistakes To Avoid When Divorcing A Manipulative Narcissist
I liken overt narcissists to the people we’ve seen on the news and, unfortunately, are all too familiar with, like OJ Simpson, Scott Peterson, and Ted Bundy. They have a charismatic and charming personality and love to be the center of attention. They are the giant sharks that you see swimming right towards you, pushing their fins as high out of the water as possible.
If they could find a way to blast the theme song from the movie Jaws while you were swimming to attack just to make sure you saw them, I have no doubt…it would happen.
But what is a covert narcissist then, and why should we be particularly concerned about relationships with them?
According to Craig Malkin, Ph.D., — a clinical psychologist, researcher, lecturer at Harvard Medical School, and author of Rethinking Narcissism — in an article published in Psychology Today, “The term ‘covert narcissism’ (aka hypersensitive or vulnerable) It was formulated to capture the pattern in narcissists who are not loud, vain, and ostentatious braggarts, but are still—as their partners discover soon enough—just as arrogant and argumentative as people with a prouder, more extroverted brand of extraverted narcissism (aka overt or grandiose). “
The word “hidden” is defined as “not publicly displayed.”
In this way, the covert narcissist becomes exponentially more threatening because the nature of his or her behavior is to hide the signs of narcissism that you know to look for when dealing with an overt classic narcissist.
They’re the sharks without the fin that you’ll never see coming – and that’s exactly what they’re counting on.
According to therapists quoted in an article from Business Insider, “The covert narcissist […] blends into the background most of the time. They are not the cliche of the grandiose, self-obsessed, ‘look at me’ narcissist.” […] Instead, they “They are quietly harsh and behave more passively and aggressively.”
The article goes on to explain, “With a covert narcissist, their emotions are paramount, but the victim’s needs and feelings are up for debate. […] Everything is a competition, and nothing that happens to you even comes close to what they’ve been through. […] They will also never apologize […] They will simply treat their victim as punishment until they give up and surrender.”
The danger lies not only in their ability to quietly strike their victims with little or no warning but in their cold and calculated method of finding their victims and infiltrating their lives. It is difficult to escape the clutches of a covert narcissist because he drains his victims of energy and resources until they find a new purpose. Like an “intravenous drip of poison” that doesn’t stop until they move on.
Related: 9 Obvious Signs That You’re Dealing With A Narcissist
So, what can you do about this silent threat of covert narcissistic abuse?
You learn to spot them before they enter your life before they attack you, and before they have a chance to wear you down to the point where escape may become an overwhelming struggle.
Dr. Malkin, in another article about covert abuse, continues: “As you might suspect, it takes a cold, calculated approach to covertly target people with the sole aim of undermining their emotional and physical health. It takes someone who views others more as pawns than people, who treat them as objects.” They can be played with and tossed aside – in fact, that’s what most research suggests.
#3 Ways to Spot Covert Narcissists Before They Strike
1. Covert narcissists are conflicted.
Look for someone who seems overly confident, yet insecure. They may surround themselves with, or identify with, expensive things or people to gain a sense of self-worth.
2. They manipulate your empathy
Watch out for someone who has an overwhelming grief story and comes to depend on you too quickly – they may say you changed or saved their life, and now they can’t live without you.
3. Their lies are sophisticated.
Covert narcissists often tell impressive tales about jobs they’ve held, or celebrities they’ve known or been associated with, but they’re not true. They may watch a lot of television programs regularly to gather material for their own stories.
I lived with a classic narcissist and domestic abuser for twenty years. I’ve been on the other side for six. And I can tell you what it feels like to be stuck in a situation that you desperately want to get out of.
I also know that there are ways to avoid tripping in the first place – if you keep your eyes open, watch for signs, and move away quickly when you see them. To understand a covert narcissist, it’s fair to say that spotting someone who is someone can be much harder, so it becomes our job to become more aware.
They may come off quietly, but in the end, all sharks still look like sharks once you see them up close.
