The only good thing I can say about being married to a classic narcissist for twenty years is that he was so bold and so cavalier about his narcissistic behavior and abuse, that he would actually tell me what he was going to do before he did it.
I know it doesn’t sound like a good thing, but having those much-needed minutes to prepare before he acted was often life-changing for me.
This type of inflated and selfish behavior is typical of classic or overt narcissists, and is what we think of when we hear the term.
A narcissist is defined as “an extremely selfish person with an exaggerated sense of self-importance.”
People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) “have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of overconfidence lies a fragile self-confidence.” An appreciation that is vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
Related: 6 Signs Of A Narcissist That Are Super Easy To Miss
I liken overt narcissists to the people we’ve seen on the news and, unfortunately, are all too familiar with, like OJ Simpson, Scott Peterson, and Ted Bundy. They have a charismatic and charming personality and love to be the center of attention. They’re the giant shark you see swimming right towards you, pushing their fins as high out of the water as possible.
If they could find a way to blast the theme song from the movie Jaws while you were swimming to attack just to make sure you saw them, I have no doubt…that would happen.
But what is a covert narcissist then, and why should we be particularly concerned about relationships with them?
According to Craig Malkin, Ph.D., — a clinical psychologist, researcher, lecturer at Harvard Medical School, and author of Rethinking Narcissism — in an article published in Psychology Today, “The term ‘covert narcissism’ (aka hypersensitive or vulnerable) It was formulated to capture the pattern in narcissists who are not loud, vain, and ostentatious braggarts, but are still—as their partners discover soon enough—just as arrogant and argumentative as people with a prouder, more extroverted brand of extraverted narcissism (aka overt or grandiose). “
The word “hidden” is literally defined as “not publicly displayed.”
In this way, the covert narcissist becomes exponentially more threatening because the nature of his or her behavior is to hide the signs of narcissism that you know to look for when dealing with an overt classic narcissist.
They’re the shark without the fin you’ll never see coming – and that’s exactly what they’re counting on.
According to therapists quoted in an article from Business Insider, “The covert narcissist […] blends into the background most of the time. They are not the cliche of the grandiose, self-obsessed, ‘look at me’ narcissist.” […] Instead, they “They are quietly harsh and behave in a more passive and aggressive manner.”
The article goes on to explain, “With a covert narcissist, their emotions are paramount, but the victim’s needs and feelings are up for debate. […] Everything is a competition, and nothing that happens to you even comes close to what happens.” They pass. […] They will also never apologize. […] They will simply give their victim the silent treatment as punishment until they give up and surrender.”
The danger lies not only in their ability to quietly strike their victims with little or no warning, but in their cold and calculated method of finding their victims and infiltrating their lives. It is difficult to escape the clutches of a covert narcissist because he drains his victims of energy and resources until they find a new purpose. Like an “intravenous drip of poison” that doesn’t stop until they move on.
Related: I Was Raised By A Narcissist Who Abducted Me When I Was 10
