Covert narcissism is a fairly recent phenomenon when it comes to our understanding of narcissism in general.
Covert narcissists are victimized people who appear vulnerable and needy. They can exhibit traits of neediness.
Resentment is the middle name of covert narcissists who generally like to use the “poor me” trick to attract sympathizers who they can later take advantage of.
They are covert by name – covert by nature!
Don’t think or assume for a second that covert narcissists will care more about you than the more obvious type of narcissist simply because they find ways to connect with you and attract you with their “under the radar” tactics.
Related :Can You be Immune to Narcissists?
They are still cruel, and they still destroy the character of good people.
Here’sHowToDealWithThem
What Exactly Is a Covert Narcissist?
The concept of covert narcissism has become much more solidified over the past few decades. It’s not enough to have the overt, arrogant narcissists in the world, who are just begging everyone to give them attention.
Covert narcissists are much more proud than that. Their insecurities are still the same, but they approach how they ask for attention differently. They want to play the same people, but in a way that makes them look exactly like the person they’re attacking.
They want to connect with the people they’re manipulating. They want to look like they’re there to do some sort of service to them, and they can often come across as needy or depressed.
Covert narcissists can come across as sad, anxious, and victimized, and they can come across as irritable or hostile when it suits them.
People get hooked on these moving, arrogant traits, and being around them can be very different.
What a Covert Narcissist Might Say
Covert narcissists are very good at being underhanded. They say one thing and mean another, and somehow, along the way, they manage to insult you without doing it directly. This makes it hard to call them out when they stare at you with wide eyes and say, “Why do you think I would say that about you? If I wanted to insult you, I would be direct.”
No, they won’t. And they know it.
Things you might hear a covert narcissist say:
Of course they have everything they want. I would do it too if I had a family with money.
With my intelligence and education, why would I want to work for minimum wage? It would be a waste of my time.
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My boss doesn’t know what he’s talking about. If I owned this company, I could make ten times as much as they do.
3 Ways to Deal with Covert Narcissists
If you suspect that someone in your life is a covert narcissist, things can get complicated quickly if you can’t control your reactions to their behavior.
Remember one thing before you begin, and use it as a reminder on days when dealing with them is particularly difficult. This is:
You can change anyone.
All you can do is change how you react to them.
Create a healthy distance
Any time you get the chance to create distance between yourself and a covert narcissist – you should take it.
Covert narcissists specialize in being your best friend one minute, and then completely shutting down the next. This is usually because they want you to chase them, and find out what’s going on with them. They do this as a way to draw you in and make sure you care about them, and it stems from a combination of their own insecurities and their own extreme sensitivity.
It sounds like hard work, but you know as well as I do that covert narcissists will find any excuse to create tension. They are rarely content with a quiet life, and they usually get bored if nothing interesting (to them) is happening.
Covert narcissists love to gossip and make others the center of their conversation while ridiculing and shaming others.
Imagine for a moment that the thin outer layer of the covert narcissist knew they were being talked about in this way?!
A covert narcissist will not see your point of view, and will find a way to humiliate it, and they will do so in front of anyone who will listen.
Maintain as much distance as possible to allow yourself healthy boundaries to grow outside of their presence.
Stay calm
Dealing with a covert narcissist means you are more likely to be tempted by innocent things.
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Empty promises are at the top of the list. They tell you they would love to help you or do something for you, only to tell you when you remind them that their life is much more important than yours.
Well, maybe I have the time, but I really have to work for a living, and the bills don’t pay themselves. I said I’d help you when I was available.
I don’t have time for that. I don’t know how you can be happy sitting around watching TV.
Why don’t you do that thing that scares you? Why are you so scared – it’s so much fun!
I even know some covert narcissists who regularly do “charity stuff” and post their fundraising page on social media. Everyone thinks they’re great, but in reality all they do is another opportunity to promote themselves. It’s never about the good they’re doing.
You have to stay calm, because they want a reaction. Getting a reaction leaves you vulnerable to blame for all sorts of things.
Good communication is key
Good communication can come in the form of strong boundaries. Telling a covert narcissist when you don’t want to do something that you know will drain you mentally and emotionally can be as easy as, “I’m so sorry, I just can’t make it that day.” Giving reasons can be difficult at times, so the less they know the better.
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A covert narcissist won’t realise that what they’re doing is wrong. However, if you stick to what makes you comfortable and maintain polite communication, you’ll find yourself unable to get so caught up in the game they love to try to control.
You see, the covert narcissist wants to make you angry, and the more opportunities they have to do that, the more likely they are to succeed.
Gracefully withdraw.
