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Having a new crush can be overwhelming. The constant excitement, optimistic outlook on the future, and all the sweet daydreams that come with a new potential partner can send you into a state of blissful ignorance.
That might feel great at the moment, but it can cause you to miss some important red flags — signs that someone might not be the best match for you. While you shouldn’t necessarily go looking for subtle differences between you on a first date, some warning signs shouldn’t be ignored.
As one dating expert recently explained to MBG, you can break down red flags into three broad categories — one of which is the most important to prioritize.
The3TypesOfRedFlags
According to psychotherapist Ken Page, LCSW, red flags can be divided into three types: objective, relational, and interpersonal.
Let’s break it down:
- Objective Red Flags
Objective red flags are behaviors that are objectively unhealthy for a relationship, Page explains. These include any form of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, as well as things like lying, ongoing infidelity, chronic selfish behavior, or narcissistic tendencies, among many others.
- Relational Red Flags
Relational red flags are problematic dynamics between the two parties, not a characteristic of any one person.
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“For example, you could be in a relationship with someone who tends to be very controlling and paired with a partner who tends to be negative. That might be okay if they’re working on it, but it can also be a constant trigger for both of them,” Page explains. “That’s not to say that either person is a bad person or can’t be in a good relationship with someone else, but with each other, that can be a red flag.”
- Personal Red Flags
Personal red flags are those specific factors that sabotage the relationship or triggers that are specific to you. These may be behaviors that bother you or make you feel insecure or angry, but they may not seem like a bad thing to everyone else. In other words, someone else may not see it as a red flag, but it is a red flag to you, and that’s normal.
For example, if you’re someone who prioritizes quality time with your partner, but the person you’re seeing has different preferences when it comes to spending time together and can’t meet that need for you, this could be a personal red flag. Others may not see it that way, but that’s why it’s a personal (and not objective) red flag.
WhichIsMoreImportant
Let’s be clear: Any red flag is important to keep in mind and worth having a conversation about. However, objective red flags are the ones you should be most attentive to, as these tend to be the hardest to deal with and could indicate a truly toxic relationship, Page notes.
Relational and personal red flags, on the other hand, can be more flexible. If you truly love someone or see a potential future with them and are both willing to put in the effort to address these red flags, it’s worth a try.
This isn’t to say that some objective red flags can’t be addressed or overcome as well—every person and every relationship is different—but these objective red flags must be actively and directly addressed for the relationship to survive.
As Julie Nguyen, a trauma-informed relationship coach, previously told mbg, “Toxic dynamics can be mended with time, effort, and self-awareness. But both people must be willing to change and accept responsibility to move forward.”
The Bottom Line
As psychotherapist Annette Nunez, MS, PhD, previously told mbg, it’s important to be able to distinguish between resolvable differences and genuine, non-negotiable differences.
While all red flags are important to notice, objective red flags are clear warning signs that something is wrong in the relationship that can’t be ignored.
If you find yourself noticing some strong red flags but feel unsure about whether you should stay, reach out to a therapist or a trusted family member for support. We also have a toxic relationship quiz to help you think through and evaluate further.
