Key Points
Toxic relationships can arise between siblings if parents are unavailable, depressed, aggressive, narcissistic, or controlling.
In the golden child/black sheep dynamic, one child is favored over the others. The black sheep is the family’s scapegoat.
In the mature child/perpetual child dynamic, one sibling is mature beyond his or her years while the other is not allowed to grow.
Specific toxic relationships can arise between siblings if parents are unavailable, depressed, aggressive, narcissistic, controlling, or favor one child over the others. When parents do not set boundaries or manage the sibling relationship healthily, these dynamics can become increasingly polarized and harmful.
- Golden Child/Black Sheep
Although many people deny it, parents often favor one child over the others. When they do so openly, the golden child/black sheep dynamic can arise.
The black sheep in the family is the scapegoat who is always portrayed as “bad” and unable to do anything right. Through the defense mechanism of projection and projective identification, the family projects all misfortunes onto the scapegoat. The scapegoat is often pushed aside and blamed when things go wrong.
Since the parents view the golden child as an extension of themselves, they will not allow the black sheep to threaten the narrative they have built. So when the scapegoated child does something good, their accomplishments are ignored or dismissed. The golden child must always be the best at everything, and the black sheep can only be recognized to the extent that the golden child’s brilliance remains unthreatened.
If the black sheep internalizes their family’s message to them, they may suffer from low self-esteem, carry toxic shame, and not believe they deserve happiness and success. They may subconsciously feel that if they achieve something, they will be attacked and criticized. So, even as adults, they may tend to sabotage themselves to avoid the attack they subconsciously anticipate.
Since the black sheep has never felt like he belongs somewhere, or that he is welcome in his home, he may also carry a deep sense of loneliness for the rest of his life.
However, being a golden child does not mean that everything is perfect. As Jung often said, “The greatest burden a child has to bear is the unlived life of his parents.” The golden child is the child to whom the parents direct their aspirations. While the black child is pushed to be independent and find his way in life, the golden child is forced into the traps of his controlling parents. The golden child is subtly punished or threatened if he does not follow the path set for him. So, even as an adult, the golden child always feels that he has to “do the right thing,” or appease his parents. The golden child may struggle to be spontaneous or do something out of the ordinary.
The golden child may also suffer from unconscious guilt when he sees his sibling being treated unfairly but cannot do much about it. Later in life, the golden child may suffer from a “savior complex,” be attracted to vulnerable partners who need help, or display people-pleasing and submissive behaviors.
- The Mature Child and the Forever Child
The mature person in this sibling dynamic is the mature person beyond their years. They are always responsible, disciplined, and reasonable. In contrast, the eternal child is usually the opposite. They are the rebellious person who follows their own will, are driven by emotion, and cannot discipline themselves.
In Jungian psychology, the eternal child embodies the Puer/Puerlla archetype. They hate boundaries, limitations, and commitment. They have many ideas about what they can do in the future but rarely put in the hard work to achieve their dreams. They have little tolerance for difficulty, so whenever things get tough, they escape into their fantasies. They may run from situation to situation, job to job, relationship to relationship, never committing to any meaningful course of action.
The eternal child is often charming, spontaneous, and playful. They are fun to be around but not a reliable partner. In many ways, they are children living in mature bodies who have a hard time being effective adults in the real world.
When there is an eternal child in the family, there is paradoxically the maturing child. Dynamically, the maturing child feels that since their sibling is disappointing, they cannot stand it. Thus, they feel they have no choice but to follow the path that has been set for them and become successful and effective members of society. The maturing child does whatever is expected of them. But this is not a free choice.
They do it because absolute compliance is what was once required of them. They may be replacing a depressed parent who makes it clear that they have no extra energy to raise children, or they may be overcompensating for a violent and unpredictable parent who may get angry if things are less than perfect. Having been peacemakers and mediators their entire lives, the maturing child’s agenda has never really mattered. It is always about what they “should do” rather than what they want or feel passionate about. Children learn to neglect their needs and desires. They do not feel that they are allowed to let loose, relax, have fun, and do something outside of what was expected of them. While they over-function at home, they are also likely to over-function at work, in their relationships, and in raising their children. Eventually, they become overwhelmed with responsibilities and may become burned out.
One factor that complicates this dynamic, especially when it turns into adult sibling rivalry, is envy. Willingly or unconsciously throughout their lives, the mature person has been envious of how indifferent their younger sibling is. They love their brothers and sisters, but they can’t help but feel bitter and resentful about the fact that they never had a real childhood. Caught between love and resentment, loyalty and the need for freedom, the mature person may sink into an emotional and existential crisis later in life.
- The Silent Bully
In a healthy scenario, a parent might punish a child when they speak disrespectfully or act aggressively. However, some parents may fail to do so because of their own attachment needs and history of trauma. They are so afraid of conflict and abandonment by their children that they do everything they can to please their children. They avoid being the “bad cop” and do nothing to discipline a child who is misbehaving. The inability of parents to assert parental authority means that children are left to find their boundaries, an impossible task.
When there is sibling abuse, the polarizing dynamic involves the bully and his victim, the silent person. For the bully, the ability to get away with aggression and even abuse is not a blessing. Children need boundaries and are often tested to see if there are any. When the bully can’t find the lines that their parents should have drawn, the world can feel like a chaotic and scary place. The bully is often a neglected, abused, or hurt child. They feel helpless and ashamed inside but have no better way to channel their hurt than to inflict it on their siblings.
The silent person has learned to be silent because their entire life, their story has been unspeakable. They have been threatened by their siblings’ violence, or else no one will believe them. Perhaps their only option is to disengage and bury the trauma deep within their bodies and souls. Later in life, their distressing symptoms may appear as chronic fatigue, physical pain, depression, or anxiety.
Instead of expressing their anger appropriately and setting boundaries, the silent person often blames themselves and internalizes the aggression they have experienced. They may become very hard on themselves, hearing an “inner critic” that constantly belittles them.
The silent person may carry psychological scars and internalized shame into adulthood and not feel like a legitimate person. They may not believe they are worthy of being loved and sabotage opportunities and loving relationships. They may also become a bully of others, as a way to release unprocessed resentment.
MovingForward
When people who are supposed to love us hurt, betray, or abandon us, the scars can cut deep and affect other areas of our lives. When relationships with our siblings break down, we are often left with a constant longing for reconciliation. We may get stuck in grief if we can’t let go of the sibling we were supposed to have but never have. We may still be waiting for an apology that never comes, an acknowledgment of what we did, or finally, an acceptance of our true selves in the family. When we try again and again and we just can’t get anywhere, we may feel helpless. Sometimes the solution is to make an effort to reconcile with our sibling. Other times, we may have to accept that we don’t have the sibling’s love that we want and let go.
